Your Half-assed 2017 Pittsburgh Steelers Season Preview

So, this feels appropriate.  Originally, WCS was going to write the bulk of this preview while I, the “recovering” Steelers fan was going to add in some comic relief and rejoice in the fact that I don’t give a fuck if Ben dies on the field or not, if Mike Tomlin talks about the standards after a loss to a 5 win team, or whether James Harrison got fined by Roger Goodell for getting an erection in front of the NBC Sunday Night Football cameras.

But then real life got in the way. WCS has some loved ones affected by the shit in Charlottesville, so he’s out for a bit dealing with that.

AND YOU GET ME!!!

Let me start with what was going to be the extent of my contribution.  This is the Steelers’ season in a nutshell:

AND/OR

EQUALS

It’s sadly that fucking simple.  Anything happens to Ben and this team is fucked.  Anything happens to Bell and this team is fucked.  The Raiders are our only hope and when you’re counting on this

You might as well go see a fucking Rams-Chargers game in London.   Seriously, I cannot wait until Goodell comes up with THAT brilliant idea.

As far as the Steelers, the rest of the team is solid.  The defense should once again be one of the top defenses in the league.  Ben has all the weapons he wants and both lines are surprisingly stable.  Special teams leave a lot to be desired, but they are neither a weapon nor a liability.

Let’s take a look at the schedule, shall we?

Week 1

We start out with the Browns??  Who did Ben have to blow in an Alabama bathroom to make that happen?  Okay, 1-0.

Week 2

Vikings at home most likely without Teddy? That blowie must have been really good.  Call it 2-0.

Week 3

At the Bears before they have a chance to be any good?  Ben may give Ted Stryker a run for his money.  3-0

Week 4

Ok, good.  I was getting a little carried away there.  At the Ravens is pretty much a guaranteed loss.  They will be thinking they are good, but they will really not be.  Cold bucket of water courtesy of the Ravens here. 3-1

Week 5

Jags at home coming off a Ravens loss is a pretty easy bounceback setup.  Let’s go with 4-1.

Week 6

At Kansas City is a tough proposition, but doable considering this team did it last year. Plus, KC is due for a fall. A tenous 5-1.

Week 7

The first Cincinnati game is at home, which bodes well.  After reading Redshirt’s preview, I think that Cincy will really struggle this year.  This may be the game where the Steelers put Dalton out of his misery and Alabama boy comes in to take over the starting role. Let’s go with 6-1.

Week 8

Sunday Night game at Detroit.  Also known as Deebo-nergate!  I think there should be a prop bet to see if there will be more Jerome Bettis references or points.  Take the over. 7-1.

Week 9

Bye Week.  This is the most dangerous week as this is when our marijuana enthusiasts will toke up and risk suspension from the Rog.

Week 10

At the Colts.  Are the Colts any good?  I mean Hodor is still there, but beyond him, what’s there?  I hate piling up the wins, but I don’t see a loss here. 8-1.

Week 11

Finally a loss!  The short week will hurt and the Titans will be legit good.  8-2

Week 12

The Packers on Sunday Night Football.  Maybe Ben and Aaron will compare blowjob techniques. I fully expect the Packers to play well and win.  This will be two Sunday Night Football losses in a row after the James Harrison boner incident.  Goodell will fine him an additional $50,000.  And the media will start talking about what’s wrong with the Steelers. 8-3

Week 13

Monday Night Football in Cincinnati.  If there is one thing Mike Tomlin’s Steelers teams are good at is winning Monday Night Football games.  His record coaching them is really damn good.  Plus, it’s the Bengals in Ohio where Ben thrives.  Must be the restrooms. 9-3

Week 14

Second Ravens game is at home and again on Sunday Night Football.  This time the Steelers will even their Sunday Night Football record and Cris Collinsworth will be pissed. 10-3

Week 15

In Aussie Rules, they talk about teams having “bogey” teams.  The Patriots are the Steelers’ bogey team.  The Steelers cannot beat them.  Period. 10-4

Week 16

Christmas Night on Sunday Night Football against a team that doesn’t exist.  Yeah, that’s a 11-4.  BTW, how the FUCK are the Steelers on prime time THAT MUCH?  Even I’m annoyed by this.  At least it justifies me getting rid of Sunday Ticket…

Week 17

The Browns at home to end the season is like Alabama scheduling Coppin State before the LSU game.  Cupcakes exist in the NFL too. 12-4.

***

So, 12-4 (or 11-5 if they choke against a lesser team like they do every year under Mike Tomlin, so yeah, that’s more likely) and a probable AFC North championship.

The big question will be how many wins the Patriots get and what seed the Steelers get.  A #2 seed means they avoid the Pats until the AFC Championship and they get a first round bye.  This is the best case scenario.  Anything else and we are looking at possibly facing the Raiders or Titans, neither of which is a good thing.  I would rather have the Patriots have to run through that gauntlet thankyouverymuch.

Of course, all of this is ultimately pointless because Ben will die on the field sometime after the bye and Bell will get popped for drugs around Week 5.  I read it on the bathroom wall.

Given this site generates no revenue and I give no shits about critical acclaim, I guess that makes me an artist.  Go figure.

And now, a musical interlude.

What am I getting at with these videos?  Something my mom taught me a long time ago that is one of the most important things I’ve ever learned:

EVERYTHING HAS A TIME AND PLACE

That band is the absolute best band I have ever seen live on stage.  Sometime in the late 90s, Los Amigos Invisibles (apropos to this group as their name means The Invisible Friends.  They might as well be the DFO house band!) got discovered in the United States from their native Venezuela.  They toured all over the US and I saw them multiple times.

Do you all remember the great party bands of the 80s?  Like Oingo Boingo, the B-52s, and Fishbone?  What they all had in common was that their music was fun to dance to and fun to listen to.  The lyrics were usually funny and weird.  Los Amigos Invisibles are the Latin heirs to this legacy.

Their concerts were some of the funnest times I have ever had in my life.  I was in my late 20s/early 30s and I was working a job that was good, but I had not yet risen up the ladder so high that a midweek show at the Belly Up in Solana Beach was out of the question.  I still remember driving back past Camp Pendleton going over 100 in my Z4 with my best friend in the car with the taste of some random girl’s lipstick lingering on my tongue.

The band still plays shows, but not at the Belly Up anymore and I’m not the same person I was then.

TIME AND PLACE

There is a time and place for everything.  Special moments are only captured in special circumstances when you can take advantage of them.  No one wants to be the old guy at a club.  When you are a teenager, you can’t get in.  That’s ok, though.  It’s not time for you yet.  The concept works the same with relationships.  You may meet the most amazing person but if you are in different places in your life, it’s not gonna happen.  No matter how good the sex is.

And now I bring it full circle to the Steelers.  The window of opportunity for this team has been closing for two years now.  This is probably their last chance.  After Ben retires (or GETS retired), the chance of finding another franchise QB is, as Chick Hearn used to say, between Slim and None and Slim just left town.  It took 20+ years to replace Terry Bradshaw.  It will probably take that long to replace Ben.

It’s now or never.

But I’m not holding my breath.  Just like I have my memories of amazing shows and meeting amazing women and dancing all night and having the time of my life, I also have my memories of Super Bowl victories.  Some people never get to experience that.  We should all be so lucky.

If you’re young and single like Weaselo and Maestro, go out tonight and have an awesome night that you will remember when you are 80.  Yeah, it’s a Tuesday night but that’s the point. If you can do it, why the fuck not?

It sure beats relying on a football team made up of rapists, wife-beaters, and pot-heads to give you happiness.