^{Banner image via some random ass site}

Scene: A large industrial footprint that, come on, you can read the banner image, right? Clearly we’re at a recycling facility. Let’s say it’s north of New York for proximity to the NFL offices and because where exactly doesn’t matter. It’s fiction, just suspend reality and allow me to transport you to a recycling center. 

/BUS DOOR FLIES OPEN

GODDAMMIT, EVERYONE OFF THE BUS! There isn’t even a toilet on there, how did so many of you decide it was ok to just drop trou and take a crap back there?

:blank stares:

Fuck it, you guys are on your own, Dave, Chris, Ryan, Mike, John, Reggie, Jon, Steve, and Bob, get your fat asses off my bus, and find your own ride home!

/BUS DOOR CLOSES SHUT

/BUS TIRES SCREECH OFF

Great, now we’re on our own in the middle of…wait, where are we?

What? You guys don’t recognize a recycling center?  Hell, I furnished my last two houses entirely on three trips to a recycling center, four to the local dump, and then just stealing things from college kids on craigslist.  The bigger question to me is WHY are we all here together?

/TRASH HEAP FLIES OPEN

HEY! You know EXACTLY why you’re here.  Each of you fired your head coach, or they “retired,” right Keim?

:sad face:

What’s your point, Tomsula?  And why is Elway here?

Haaaaaaaaay!

  First of all, shut up. Secondly, all of your jobs depend on hiring the right head coach.

I wouldn’t say all of us…

Back to you all shutting up. Third, Vance Joseph may be safe for now, but we all know that Elway’s got the eye discipline of Gronk on amateur night at a Tempe strip club.

Ok, but why here? We’re professionals, goddammit.

Again, not all of us. Look at Mike Brown, he apparently is just here for the garbage since he can’t pull the plug on Marvin Lewis, and that decision should have been easier than figuring out which GM is most likely to be eating from the garbage heap here.

DAMMIT, MIKE BROWN, GET OUT OF MY GOURMET DINNER PILE!  YOU, TOO, QUINN.

You can take the boy out of Detroit, but you can’t take Detroit out of the boy.

You’re from Massachusetts, you sonuvabitch.  ANYWAY, we all know how this goes. You all do an “exhaustive” search for the next leader of your franchises, maybe one of you gets creative and thinks outside of the box, but the rest of you are just going back to the well of coaching retreads who you or your colleagues fired before.  Gettleman, you know exactly what I mean.

I don’t get it.

You’re recycling coaches.  I know some of you prefer the term coaching carousel…

    Wheeeeeeeeeeee!

Holy shit.  Look guys, you’re all sorting through trash heaps.  One man’s trash is another man’s treasure. I’m here because I, too, deserve another chance at being a head coach in the NFL.

Goddammit.  Ok, I’m here because I live in this trash heap. Listen, coach recycling is a time honored NFL tradition.  Hell we even saw this with Norv Turner, for chrissake, where people saw his success as an offensive coordinator, gave him a job as a head coach in Washington where he was an abject failure, he got recycled in Oakland where he went 9-23, he went back to offensive coordinator duties for ONE SEASON in SF in 2006, and that was enough to make him a shiny object for the San Diego Chargers to pick him up from the recycling center where he went 56-40 as a head coach for the Chargers but could never get over the pockmarked hump.  This offseason will be no different. Black Monday happened, and it was fantastic.  Plus the pre-Black Monday firing earned by Ben McAdoo and the looming opening in Cincinnati [Editor’s Note: Goddammit] that should obviously also be accompanied by an opening in Cleveland. So let’s walk around the NFL coaches recycling center and see what new hope/scapegoat you’ll bring home to momma.

GOLDEN HEAP

Jon Gruden

Career W-L record as a head coach: 95-81, 1 Super Bowl Ring (his first year in TB with someone else’s team, after which he had a sub-.500 record)

Doooooooon’t care.  Bring it in!

Jim Harbaugh

Career W-L record as a head coach: 44-19, 0 Super Bowl Rings

Bill Cowher

Career W-L record as a head coach: 149-90-1, 1 Super Bowl Ring (and 1 Super Bowl loss)

MORE REALISTIC PRECIOUS METALS

Pat Shurmur

Career W-L record as a head coach: 10-23, 0 Super Bowl Rings

NEWLY DENTED CANS

Jack Del Rio (assuming the Gruden thing doesn’t get fucked up)

Career W-L record as a head coach: 93-94, 0 Super Bowl Rings

John Fox

Career W-L record as a head coach: 133-123 (14-34 in most recent stint), 0 Super Bowl Rings (2 Super Bowl losses)

BELICHICK TREE BRANCH PILE

Josh McDaniels

Career W-L record as a head coach: 11-17, 0 Super Bowl Rings

Bill O’Brien (if he gets shitcanned, less likely now that his GM has taken a leave of absence)

Career W-L record as a head coach: 31-33, 0 Super Bowl Rings

Todd Haley

Career W-L record as a head coach: 19-26, 0 Super Bowl Rings

Jim Schwartz

Career W-L record as a head coach: 29-51, 0 Super Bowl Rings

IN A HEAP BY HIMSELF

Jeff Fisher (This is a terrible idea, and required reading here: https://www.doorfliesopen.com/2016/12/12/jeff-fisher-did-his-job/)

Career W-L Record as a head coach: 173-165-1, 0 Super Bowl Rings (1 Super Bowl Loss)

What about Teryl Austin, Matt Patricia, Steve Wilks, Kris Richard, Mike Vrabel, Frank Reich, Matt LaFleur, George Edwards, and John DeFilippo?

Come on, this is a recycling center.  If they’ve never failed before, you’re not thinking like a real NFL GM.  Now, where’s that shit filled bus so I can get some fresh samples?

/FOURTH WALL BREAKS OPEN

  What do you think, DFOers?  Who are your picks to fill which openings? And which team is the best fit for good ole’ Hobo Jim? (Career W-L record as a head coach: 6-11, does not include 6-4 record with the Rhein Fire)