It’s hate week they said, go to your evil place they said. Is it not bad enough the Eagles have to play the hated P*ts this weekend?
Nope, heading to big D to see what is happening with the Cowboys. As a professional journalist from the Upstairs Backlane Hollywood Journalism School of College (Go Cats. We are totally going to kill Devry next year) I have certain standards to uphold.
Flying in and you can see the damn Jerrydome from miles away, it is like a blight on the earth.
Ahhh Dallas Airport, did you know it used to close for the evening? Yep, they kick you out. I was on my way to help with hurricane relief in the Bahamas where I had family and at 11 pm they kicked me out and said I could sleep on the bench. Whereas the Miami airport the next night was like a hostel. Sorry, back to the story.
Arriving at this monolith I truly am impressed at the sheer size of it and beside naked Nate Newton in the parking lot is the Jerrydome.
LC: Hi Nate! Can I get you a towel? Or do you want to smoke a bowl before I go in there?
NakedNateNewton: Nah, I don’t need a towel. I like to get my tan on, and plus if you sit on the benches in the heat it gives your nuts a good sizzle. That being said I will always get blazed, come over to my ride, I have a trunk full of the stuff.
Nate Newton has a trunk full of weed. This is fact.
LC: Soo, like you seriously still travel with a trunk full of weed?
NNN: It’s medicinal and I just have a big subscription man. It’s all good Jerry has my lawyer.
LC: Can you take me to the locker room, I am here for an interview or something. I can’t really remember.
NNN: For sure, come with me, probably about time for a jacuzzi anyway this place super chill.
LC: Jacuzzi? Sweet, I really need to relax.
NNN: Yeah I threw the best parties back in the day so now Mr. Jones lets me live here. I can eat whatever I want, I can use the facilities and I never have to wear clothes.
LC: So Jones was at the parties with you?
NNN: Hell yeah, shit we got a bunch of strippers up in there and he keeps yellin “JERRY AINT DEAD NOW GREASE UP MY POLE!”
LC: I absolutely believe this to be true.
I make my way to the locker room thanks to Naked Nate Newton and wander over to see Dak Prescott in the cold tub.
LC snickering: Hey Dak have a few moments for me?
DP: Sure come on over and have a seat. You still snickering about Naked Nate?
LC: Haha ahh no, I am over that now. It is just we have a poster in the clubhouse with Dak canned ham, and you are Dak, currently in a can so it is the funniest thing ever.
DP: You truly are an idiot.
LC: We aren’t breaking new ground here Dak, shall we move on?
DP: If you have to.
LC: DAKDAKDAKDAKDAK! Holy shit, I just realized Ryan Leaf was a qb here for 3 games, I totally forgot about it. I also forgot Randall Cunningham played here too which makes me sad.
DP: What’s your question? Do you know that you are probably the worst interviewer I have ever had?
LC: I get that a lot but do you think the Cowboys would have had a better record last year if Ryan Leaf, Randall or you were the quarterback?
DP: Well m-
LC: Yeah yeah you are totally right, it’s Randall for sure. So what are your thoughts on Jason Garrett coming back for anothe-
<<<<DOOR FLIES OPEN>>>>>
JJ: YEEEE FUCCKIINN HAAAAWWW BOYS!! HOW THE FUCK WE DOIN??? HEY JOURNO-NERD YOU GOT QUESTIONS??? WELL DOUBLE J HAS ALLLLLLLL THE GOD DAMN ANSWERS!!!!!
LC: Well, I was asking Dak about your head coach an-
JJ: GINGER PUBES??? HELL, YOU KNOW DOUBLE J CALLS THE SHOTS HERE! GINGER NERD COULDN’T EVEN MAKE BACKUP FOR THEM ROUGH RIDERS FROM YOUR COUNTRY! WHICH ROUGH RIDERS IS IT? IS IT BOTH? YEAH DOUBLE J SAYS GINGERNERD GOT CUT BY BOTH EM! DID YOU KNOW HE PLAYED FOR THE SAN ANTONE RIDERS TOO??? WELL FUCK ME SIDEWAYS HE HAS BEEN CUT BY 3 RIDERS!
(It was by 2 “Riders” but one in the World League and 1 in the CFL, his story is kinda cool actually)
LC: Mr. Jones, Nate Newton was telli-
JJ: OOOHH NAKED NATE! I TELL YOU WHAT, I’VE SEEN HIM USED LIKE A PHILLY STREETPOST! CRISCO JUST MAKES HIM MORE OF A CHALLENGE!! 8 SECONDS??? GOOD LUCK MUCHACHO! HEY LET ME TELL YOU BOYS ABOUT THE TIME DANNY WHITE AND I RODE CAMELS IN TO AN APPLEBEES!!!
LC: Man the NFL is screwed up.
If you missed last week in Denver.