Offseason Qb Interviews! – Miami edition.



Loves to use the letter U behind O. Iggles fan, Fulham FC supporter. Bartend as a hobby in Canadia.

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Yeaahhhh Miami, I have to say I’ve been looking forward to this because I love smoking and hot women. Who wouldn’t want to play here? After an injury to Tannehill last year they brought in one of DFO’s favoUrites. I hope the cat hasn’t taken his laissez faire attitude elsewhere.

Got to do a quick check of what I have for this. Smokes? Check. Catnip? Check. Interview prep? Hmmm. Nope. Oh well, a deck of Camels and a toy to appease the cat should do.

Walking up to the facility I see a lonesome figure in the brooding and talking to himself.


Jay Cutler: Can’t all of these sheeple just see that innoculations are just mind control for the masses? They say no diseases but what happens? Diseases! Damn it, I forgot my lighter.

LC: Hey Jay, I am here for the offseason interview what is going on?

JC: Sigh. Got a lighter?

LC: Sure do! Shall we have a dart and start the interview here?

JC: Whatever man, just give me some fire.

LC: Just two guys taking a trip to flavoUr country. So, what is your plan for the coming season?

JC: I do what my wife tells me to. Easier that way. Go stand on the deck and look out at the sea naked she asked. Sure, whatever. Easier just to agree, plus the sea breeze on your balls is nice.

LC: I see, so do you think that you will play this year?

JC: I don’t know and have put zero thought into it.

LC: Did you enjoy the season last year? I mean it is better than Chicago here.

JC: Paycheques.

LC: Paycheques? Your wife must still have money from that show she was on so that can’t be the only reason you came back. Also what did you do with your money?

JC: Sigh. Dude, I just wake up and do what I am told. Did you see that press conference? I do not work out, I do not study tape, I just get in there and kill time. My money? Yeah, invested in Farmville, didn’t work out.

LC: Well that makes sense seeing how you operated in the wildcat last year.

JC: Didn’t care then, don’t care now.

Cutler’s eyes are darting from place to place, not really focusing on anything.

LC: You ok man?

JC: Thought that I saw a mouse, those sonavabitches spread disease you know.

LC: Yeah if they bite you just head to the doctor and a couple shots and you are set. Kinda like the clap, or so I have been told.

JC: SHOTS??? You do know the government is pushing them so they can have mind control over the masses and to give children Autism?

LC: Ok, for one, that is ridiculous. Second point is why the hell would the government want autistic masses which would be a burden on society as a whole and cut the contributions of the populace down. Your argument doesn’t make any sense!

JC: You are just an envoy for BIG PHARMA.

LC: Actually, I do not like pharmaceuticals and prefer a more natural pain killer and mood adjuster.


LC: I see this is going nowhere. I look forward to hearing you in the booth next season bringing your truth bombs.

JC: Whatever man, I’m not giving you back your lighter.

I leave Jay out there with his insane thoughts and head in to the facility. As i am walking down the hallway I hear a commotion from an office.

<<<<slowly opens door>>>>>

Adam Gase: WHooooothiscoffeeisexcellent! FeellikeIcangrindtapefordays!

LC: Oh, um,  hi coach, how’s it going? You alright?

AG: Justgettingreadyfornextoffseason. Notimeforabreak,gottakeepgrinding. Wantacupofcoffee?

LC: Sure, can I smoke in here? 

AG: Nochanchemuchacho, thatiswhywesendthecatoutsidefordarts. Idon’thavenaycreamforyourcoffeebutChrisFoersterhadsomecoffeewhitenerinhisdeskandheisgonesomightaswelluseitup.

LC: Foerster? The disgraced coach for doing drugs?

AG: Yepthatshim, canthavethatstuffaroundhere. HehadagreatlineoncoffeefromColumbiathough.

LC: Umm coach I think that you aren’t using coffee creamer and that he left some cocaine around, you are moving around this room like a hummingbird so you should probably stop.

AG: HellnoCola, thisisjustacaffeinebuzz!

LC: Dear God, where is Tannehill, I want to get this over with so I can enjoy South Beach.

AG: YeahSouthBeachyeah, yousureyoudontwanttotalkanymore? Wecantalkandtalkandtalkaboutanythingyouwant.

Well this is going about how I expected it. Let me just get through this and I will have a beer and a Cuban Sandwich in my immediate future.

Music booms through the doors to the dressing room.

Dear God no, I knew this was possible but hoped it wouldn’t happen….. Deep breaths….. It’s ok, just a couple questions and I a’ out of here.

*****Note, this would have been a Pitbull song hence my fear but I asked Don T what I should do to replace it but is fitting. Here it is.


LC: Ryan, how is your rehab coming?

Ryan Tannehill: Not bad, really looking forward to next season.

LC: Your wife is a smokeshow eh?

RT: Uh, yeah.

LC: Really punching above your weight eh?

RT: Are we going to talk football?

LC: Sure, your wife has to be your greatest achievement, I mean you are a passable qb but seriously, look at her.

RT: I had a great college career an-

LC: You mean there were more smokeshows in college for you? Jesus, really makes you think.

RT: Think? About what?

LC: Thanks for asking. I think about a lot of things. For instance how a noodle armed yokel like you can get a fine piece of ass like that? I would count my lucky stars that Belichick and Haley don’t coach here or they would have your wife for sure. I can see it now, Boss Todd pulls up in his Camaro, Whitesnake blaring, got that look in his eye and your wife would be a puddle. Seriously, we would have to call a mop up crew. There is no way you rev her engine like Boss Todd could.

RT: You are an idiot. We are done here.

LC: Hold on, I have some advice for you. When they figure out how washed up you are you could go to Cleveland, lose your wife to Boss Todd, and then your greatest accomplishment would be your quarterbacking skills! See! I’m a problem solver!

I think that Tannehill will be fine this year. We will get the Cat in the booth which will be absolutely fantastic because I really don’t see him playing again. PROVE ME WRONG CAT! PROVE ME WRONG!

Last week’s interview took place in Arizona.

A pugs best friend. Wine drinker. Loves to use the letter U behind O. Iggles fan, Fulham FC supporter. Bartend as a hobby in Canadia. One of the resident futbol freaks at the clubhouse
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Bring back Brian Griese!

–No one ever


[reads this as “greasy”, begins salivating]

– Andy Reid

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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So, no Dan Marino just skulking around the facilities? Like he has anything better to do with his time.


Glad you focused on the important news in Miami. And I’ll bet Cutler is a hell of a mouser.


Well done. It’s depressing to know that Tannehill is actually dumber than what you portray. And Jay Cutty is going to need some laser inspiration when the Phins run the wildcat next year because every team is going to make their QB run a route and catch a ball because it worked for the Iggles in the Superb Owl.

Oh well, only 5 more years until management figures out Tannehill isn’t a Franchise QB.

/drinks a bottle of Absinthe

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Game Time Decision

/drinks a bottle of Absinthe

So, going for extra credit or starting the advanced course early?


Going for a double major in alcohol and hallucinogens?