Two Ears, One Mouth and All–DFO Mailbag Submissions

Thanks to those who participated in the debut edition of Mouth Flies Open, the don’t-call-it-a-sequel revamped reboot of the DFO Advice Mailbag.  We had some great questions, some meh questions, and some hopefully entertaining if not-cranked-all-the-way-to-eleven-illuminating advice. The only way this advice column works is with audience participation–from DFOers, your friends, fantasy football rivals who argue that there’s nothing wrong with your fantasy championship being week 17 of the NFL season, your enemies, your parents that one time you walked in on them mid-coitus; you get the picture.

So this is a call for advice requests! Send your letters into [email protected], and operators/BFC are standing by to read and respond as expeditiously as makes sense. Bonus: As a J-O-O, I can put in some work tonight/tomorrow/whenever despite some big ole Fat Guy’s exploits and a carpenter’s birthday.

Before I leave you, and in the spirit of the holidays, here’s a reprise of a request for advice that showed in an open thread the other night:

How do I ensure that what will eventually be my inlaws leave my goddamn house at a reasonable hour? Clog all the toilets? Walk around nekkid because that’s my sleepin attire? Tell their daughter that its time she did her duties?

-tomsellecksmoustache

Now, some great advice came in from the commentists, including:

• Proclaiming “Time for our annual family tradition, watching Freddy Got Fingered” or “So who wants to watch Oldboy again?”
• At the magic hour sit in your favorite chair, watch TV and fart loudly. If that doesn’t work start jerking off, like that otter up there. You can also do this after everyone has left and before they arrive.
• Get drunk and pass out. They may still be there, but you definitely won’t care.

And then ICYMI, here’s what I said:

Remember, if you have questions and need advice, email [email protected]. New inquiries will be supplemented by DFO and Celebrity Guest Columnist advice in response to inquiries to other advice columns. We’re going to aim to be funny but respectful to everyone no matter what. Unless they’re Packers or Patriots fans. BrettFavre’sColonoscopy is not a licensed therapist nor does he hold an advanced degree in psychology, social work, or any of the cognitive sciences. He is an enthusiastic young-ish man with an overpriced education and an unabiding love for dispensing good advice while being incapable of applying it to his own life.