Two Ears, One Mouth and All–DFO Mailbag Submissions

Thanks to those who participated in the debut edition of Mouth Flies Open, the don’t-call-it-a-sequel revamped reboot of the DFO Advice Mailbag.  We had some great questions, some meh questions, and some hopefully entertaining if not-cranked-all-the-way-to-eleven-illuminating advice. The only way this advice column works is with audience participation–from DFOers, your friends, fantasy football rivals who argue that there’s nothing wrong with your fantasy championship being week 17 of the NFL season, your enemies, your parents that one time you walked in on them mid-coitus; you get the picture.

So this is a call for advice requests! Send your letters into, and operators/BFC are standing by to read and respond as expeditiously as makes sense. Bonus: As a J-O-O, I can put in some work tonight/tomorrow/whenever despite some big ole Fat Guy’s exploits and a carpenter’s birthday.

Before I leave you, and in the spirit of the holidays, here’s a reprise of a request for advice that showed in an open thread the other night:

How do I ensure that what will eventually be my inlaws leave my goddamn house at a reasonable hour? Clog all the toilets? Walk around nekkid because that’s my sleepin attire? Tell their daughter that its time she did her duties?


Now, some great advice came in from the commentists, including:

  • Proclaiming “Time for our annual family tradition, watching Freddy Got Fingered” or “So who wants to watch Oldboy again?”
  • At the magic hour sit in your favorite chair, watch TV and fart loudly. If that doesn’t work start jerking off, like that otter up there. You can also do this after everyone has left and before they arrive.
  • Get drunk and pass out. They may still be there, but you definitely won’t care.

And then ICYMI, here’s what I said:

  • My dad’s solution to this was to play Inna-Gadda-Davida whenever he wanted the party to wrap up. The whole 17 minute and 5 second version. It worked most of the time. Apparently Robert Mueller does that thing where he flicks the lights on and off repeatedly when he wants everyone to go home. I generally prefer the “thanks for coming but we have to wake up early in the morning so let’s wrap up for tonight. Look forward to seeing you ______”

I stand by that, even though there’s a strong possibly it wasn’t as helpful to tomsellecksmoustache as the counsel toward onanism. The broader point, and a theme you’ll (hopefully) notice in this iteration of the mailbag is that it’s always better to overcommunicate than to undercommunicate and then resent. Now, I’m not saying be completely unfiltered–that’s for stand-up comics and European cigarettes.   You can be tactful and cognizant of other’s feelings without being either a doormat or a dick. But especially in a situation with someone else’s family, the wisest course is to at least try to get on the same page as your SO ahead of time to set a target time for adjournment and a way to implement. Sure, the battle plan may go out the window as soon as the first bullet is fired, but the planning is helpful to figure out how to win the war.

I hope that you all, like tomsellecksmoustache, are having a fulfilling and hirsute Christmas with plenty of food, family, festivity, and any other f’s you can fit in there this year. Looking forward to wrapping up 2018 in a way that bitch of a year doesn’t deserve, and let’s get through it together with advice and snark. Merry Christmas to all, and don’t let those mice stir!

Remember, if you have questions and need advice, email New inquiries will be supplemented by DFO and Celebrity Guest Columnist advice in response to inquiries to other advice columns. We’re going to aim to be funny but respectful to everyone no matter what. Unless they’re Packers or Patriots fans. BrettFavre’sColonoscopy is not a licensed therapist nor does he hold an advanced degree in psychology, social work, or any of the cognitive sciences. He is an enthusiastic young-ish man with an overpriced education and an unabiding love for dispensing good advice while being incapable of applying it to his own life.

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BFC is a Chicago native transplanted to our nation's capital and transplanted again to the mountain West. He enjoys football, whisky, and the oxford comma.
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yeah rightArmedandHammeredGame Time DecisionSonOfSpamSenor Weaselo Recent comment authors
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King Hippo

I mean, unlike Karen, at least Jeebus could keep his food down ,, amirite?


Well, it just kinda leaked out the side.

yeah right

And now a Christmas Eve tradition.

Five mile walk and then work.

Game Time Decision

Curious as to how long the walk takes.

yeah right

An hour and 10 to an hour and 15 minutes. I move pretty damn fast for my age.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

I had to look up onanism. Cool!

yeah right

I survived the Little Drummer Boy Challenge!
It was goddamn harrowing.

It forced me to stay in when I could have gone out.

It forced me to keep to myself when I could have interacted with other humans.

It made me enter every business like a deer waiting for the hunter to shoot me.

I can’t wait until next year!


I have to leave the house for a little bit and that time period will be the only time in which I can still lose, so of course it will happen.


And of course the Mexican restaurant we were at for lunch plays the fucking Mexican version of LDB, just as we were paying the tab. I knew we should have gone to the Indian place.


“I can’t miss you if you don’t leave”.

Game Time Decision

We had my wife’s family over for Xmas yesterday and all but one of the guests left around the same time. He wanted to watch the NO vs PIT game. Which to this point had not been on the TV. We had on Christmas music for most of the day. So we’re now an hour past when everyone has left looking at each other and wondering when he’s going to leave. Thankfully he left when the game was over.
I was sitting beside him farting up a storm and that did not work. Was trying to be respectful and keep the “get out” rated PG so didn’t go much further. On the suggestions from above, tho the list did cross my mind. Thanks DFO.
With no rooting interest in the game other than for fantasy football, it was funny to hear his take on the game as a Saints fan. The fake punt by Pit was a “game changer”. But no points scored off it by NO and they fumbled away the ball. Been awhile since I’ve watched football with that level of homerism.

Tl;dr: dinners over, GTFO


Also, I have an answer to the “How do I get my GF to do Pompoir?” question.



“So I am about to rub one out and if you are in to that then by all means I am your Louis CK”


I prefer the true and tested, “You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here!”