Mouth Flies Open: DFO Advice Mailbag #16

The team at DFO is committed to brightening the world with insights, observations, and dick jokes. This mailbag feature is just one more way in which we extend our mission beyond football to the rest of life’s broad and multi-chromatic palette. The NFL season is a reality for 28 or so teams, so the floodgates are open for fantasy football questions as well as fantasy and reality outside of football.  If you have questions and/or need advice, email dfosubmissions@gmail.com. New inquiries will be supplemented by DFO and Celebrity Guest Columnist advice in response to inquiries to other advice columns. We’re going to aim to be funny but respectful to everyone no matter what. Unless they’re Packers or Patriots fans. BrettFavre’sColonoscopy is not a licensed therapist nor does he hold an advanced degree in psychology, social work, or any of the cognitive sciences. He is an enthusiastic young-ish man with an overpriced education and an unabiding love for dispensing good advice while being incapable of applying it to his own life.

Hey, sports fans, it’s me, BFC, and after a little unearned time off, I’m back with another edition of Mouth Flies Open, the column where if you have questions, I’ll answer them, and if you don’t, then you can fuck right off and I’ll answer questions sent to someone else. The Bears have a solid grip on last place in the NFC North, making me look dumber than Sports Illustrated, but hey, at least I’m not G/O Media.  That’s the BFC guarantee–I’m going to tell you like it is, even if I’m wrong, but I won’t come to your house and shit on your carpet like an herb. So with that, to the dfosubmissions@gmail.com mailbox!

Good afternoon,

My name is [REDACTED] and I represent [REDACTED]. Our web properties are the leader in sports odds and reviews [EDITOR’S NOTE: False].

We would love to publish an article on Doors Files Open. Our request is that the article shows as No sponsored and has a Do-Follow link back to us. We can cover you financially via Paypal once the article is posted.

We have a great set of writers that will assure the content feels natural on your site.

Please let me know how to proceed from here or please forward this to the correct person to handle this request.

Looking forward to hearing from you.

Best regards;

[REDACTED]
[REDACTED BECAUSE DFO DOESN’T DO ADS/IS NOT #UPFORWHATEVER]

 

Oh goddammit. Dear [REDACTED]: The only thing worse than a sponsored post is a LYING sponsored post. That and ripping out the heart and soul (and joy) of all that is good in this messed up world. As noted in Rikki’s Welcome post, we don’t do ads here. So the answer is (homage to Drew) a HEARTY FUCK YOU to you and your allegedly popular gambling site. But we will answer non-spam letters that come into dfosubmissions@gmail.com, so send in those advice requests! In the meantime, let’s see what else we’ve got.

Dear Mouth Flies Open–

I recently left a good job in one part of the Northeast for a competing firm in the same region. As soon as I left, my former colleagues earned the highest honor in our field. Was I holding them back?

Bryce H., Philadelphia

Yes. And congrats to your former colleagues. And fuck Osuna.

Speaking of labor issues with employees seeking a job elsewhere, let’s turn to Ask a Manager to a very on-brand for DFO post:

 

   

   

Ah, the old my company turned into a porn site so should I not put it on my resume conundrum.  Happens to the best of us. I’m pretty confident that an employer isn’t going to hold it against you that you LEFT the startup once it turned to porn, but honestly, way better to have that conversation than the “what’s with this long gap in employment history” discussion, which has suddenly gone from fine to not-getting-an-interview level of a problem. As Alison from Ask A Manager’s advice implies, the odds that the startup still has the same name while operating as a porn site are very low, so figure out the pre-porn d/b/a name and go from there. And on the bright side, if you do want to get into porn, this job is a nice entry point. But for this gig, just be upfront of why you left and why you don’t want a reference from a drunk porny CEO. I’ve had applicants tell me not to call a particular reference, and while that’s a minor flag, as long as there are other people to talk to, it isn’t a deal breaker. I guess net-net, better to leave the porn site on the resume than to not have it on your resume and still be working at the porn site.

Next, let’s go to a source I haven’t previously mined, the Nation’s advice column by Liza Featherstone–

Our unincorporated community in Northern California has been economically depressed (though culturally rich) for decades. We have struggled just to get sidewalks and streetlights on our main street.

Our unincorporated community in Northern California has been economically depressed (though culturally rich) for decades. We have struggled just to get sidewalks and streetlights on our main street.

Within the last year, two wealthy individuals have bought up a lot of real estate on the commercial strip. They’re planning new development, in the process helping to address our affordable housing crisis. They also respect the history of our area. I’m an artist and historian, and they’ve asked me to be involved in bringing art and history into the proposed project.

Then someone learned that one of these rich folks made homophobic, anti-marriage-equality Facebook posts and that their business partner was backing a Tea Party group. Outrage blossomed on social media, with many vowing to boycott their businesses.

I worry that a boycott would hurt the locals who work for them. Additionally, the investors are making a commitment to the area that no one else has. This situation is a stark example of the effects of wealth concentration. We are being all but forced to accept the capitalists’ abhorrent views in order to receive the benefit of their wealth. Is a community boycott the best way to react? What else could we do?

—Artistic Serf

So basically, your neighbors object to the values of the rich people funding YOU? Yeah, that’s a shocker.

/DOOR FLIES OPEN

Image Credit: Netflix

“Hey, it’s me, totally not-a-fancy dog, Tom Brady. And if there’s one thing I know a lot about, it’s getting the benefit of the doubt for being in the right place at the right time. Also, being a complete fucking shill for my corporate overlords who are totally NOT promising me points on the back end for taking below market contracts during my playing career. Because even when you’re rich like me, there is nothing more important than continuing to lubricate the gears of the machine that make things go and keep power entrenched where it is. Even if it isn’t in the interest of my teammates or the greater good, it’s good for me, and that’s all that really matters. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go make jokes about how nothing I say should be taken seriously or impact my bottom line no matter how dumb or bigoted it is.”

/DOOR FLIES SHUT

Finally, let’s go back to a fave and close out with a slightly older but just as fun Ask A Manager question–

   

   

 

   

 

Wow. That is more words than Tom Brady is capable of reading. Also, this is Buccaneers/Jets front office caliber management. There are some big gray areas at work for what’s “fun” vs “inappropriate” but outside of on-set at a porno, I can’t think of an office where this is close to ok. 80% of NFL owners and the entirety of the NFL network may disagree, but damn, this is totally fucked up. This type of HR department should be burned to the ground, so I would see if you can find at least an ally or two in that whole office to join in on filing a complaint, possibly even observing how MASSIVE of a legal liability this is, with customers and employees alike exposed to harassment. And if you can’t find a single person to be on your side here, time to GTFO.

That’s it for this week’s mailbag, hope my VORP is better than Mitch Trubisky’s. See you ’round the clubouse, and congratulations to the Patriots on unburdening themselves of the drive for perfection this season.

Boss getting you down? In-laws moving in without your permission? Looking for the right way to quit a fantasy football league? Want to hear about all the injuries I’m already dealing with in a keeper league? No one ever does, so just let me know if you need advice! Email dfosubmissions@gmail.com with your questions, post questions below, and spread the word!

BrettFavresColonoscopy
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BrettFavresColonoscopy
BrettFavresColonoscopy
BFC is a Chicago native transplanted to our nation's capital and transplanted again to the mountain West. He enjoys football, whisky, and the oxford comma.
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Gratliff

Is it really a good thing that the Nationals won a thing?
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Sharkbait

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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

All of baseball reeks of MAGA

King Hippo

too many fucking country-ass white people

TheRevanchist

What is unethical porn? I might be guilty of things. Maybe.

King Hippo

This is deffo a Balls and/or Moose query.

SonOfSpam

It’s that thing like when you don’t rewind “Fisting Firemen 9” before returning it to Blockbuster.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Videos of lawyers commingling client escrow funds with firm operating account funds.

Stories about doctors failing to disclose that they hold 10 shares of stock in AstraZeneca in their published research papers.

King Hippo

I like how normal this series always makes me feel. You doing good, BFC!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Beyond making people uncomfortable the idea of that happening every damned Friday is tired as shit. It’s like those scenes in Beavis and Butt-head where they flash forward to them in an old folks home and one of them is beating the same exact joke into the ground. Except minus the self-awareness.

blaxabbath

Man, I only wish I worked at a company so asinine as to have HR not address such a black and white harassment issue. Document that bitch, get an attorney, and….oh! OH OHHHH!!!! — SUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

yeah right

That work place with the fake orgasms needs to be burned down. If you can’t contact HR over something this blatant and awkward than why the fuck do you have an HR department at all?

Rule one of harassment is and always has been, if it makes you uncomfortable or feels inappropriate then don’t do it.

King Hippo

This particular subset seems like sommet that would not even fly on early seasons of Mad Men.

Sharkbait

Fake it Friday? I fake most of my work every day.

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