2019 Quotables – Divisional Round (Submissions)

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So I made it back from Colorado just in time to assemble this weeks Quotables. I didn’t catch any of the games myself so didn’t know where to look for highlights — and it shows! As for you Front Rangers, I don’t know how anyone lives in such cold. That said, your highway system would be something quite special if not for the left lanes being saturated with drivers rocking CU stickers on their back windows while driving eight under the speed limit.

Anyways, here are your Divisional Round Quotables submissions.


How’d security let that dude on the left bring in a banjo?

Marcus Mariota is gonna be sitting DEEP on the depth chart.

Background: This Texans fan won the former-Texan Tyrann Mathieu autographed football.

“Mr Gutekunst — As a Packers stockholder, I would like to know….”

This move is usually reserved for: (1) being up by one; (2) with under two minutes left; (3) on the goal line, Ravens.

I am convinced. It is time to impeach Nancy Pelosi.

It’s spelled “Casey”, idiots.

Upon finding out we’ve legislated away all the immergrants.
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blaxabbath
I sat on a jury years ago, 2nd degree attempted murder case. One day the defendant wore sneakers with his suit to court. It was that day I knew he was guilty.
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[…] 2019 Quotables – Divisional Round (Submissions) – January 14, 2020 […]

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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I haven’t seen a single ball get this wet since Nate Solder [censored] his [censored] and then [censored] [censored].

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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I haven’t seen an 8 sitting in the corner being ignored like that since Robert Evans got both Bo Derek and Madolyn Smith to come back to his suite at the same time.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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4980? Red and gold? A banjo? Goddamnit, every single thing about this Neal Peart tribute went wrong.

King Hippo

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Uncle Jesse seems to have aged quite well (outside of the Old Confederacy)

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

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“Please don’t shoot me after the game! My hands will be just like this!”

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

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I haven’t seen this many excited White people in the same place since the last time I set foot in a Chipotle.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

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“Nice form, Bob. Alright, up next trying out for kicker we have… Chad Johnson..” – Houston Roughnecks GM

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

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“We haven’t watched a Niners game since 2013! Let’s go!”

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

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Man, Kratos really let himself go…

Beerguyrob

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“My name is Li’l Karen, and I would like to speak to your manager!”

LemonJello

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Reaction whenever their gritty, high football IQ, lunchpail hero JJ Watt was shown on screen. #nodaysoff

LemonJello

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KC stayed in character even when asked “How many briskets did coach eat pre-game?” by stadium staff.

Enrico Pallazzo

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YEAAAAAAH!!! WE FORCED A SECOND DOWN!!!

Enrico Pallazzo

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The furry torso is a good start but you better move into a Golden Corral if you ever want to be an owner.

Enrico Pallazzo

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When the new season of Fuller House drops…

BrettFavresColonoscopy

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Who else from the Niners front office can we throw in prison?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

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Mariota was wide open, but Henry locked onto his primary receiver like he was Trubisky

BrettFavresColonoscopy

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Starting Kirk Cousins in Ned Beatty’s classic role

BrettFavresColonoscopy

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The Last Boyscout 2: Baltimore Boogaloo

Game Time Decision

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He’s fine
– NFL concussion protocol

BrettFavresColonoscopy

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The camwhore version of the Houston 500 wasn’t as successful as the original

Game Time Decision

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Just found out that they can get half price Arby’s tomorrow if the Niners win

LemonJello

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Tim Tebow cums. Hard.

TheRevanchist

Remember when Tebow won a playoff game?

LemonJello

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It’s nice to see Tom Coughlin trying new hobbies.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

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Li’l Wayne’s Harry Caray impression is…not bad, actually

LemonJello

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“I haven’t seen a black man run from a group of Tennesseans like this since***producer hits the dump button in the broadcast van***

LemonJello

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With studies showing a disparate number of the homeless having mental illness, NFL security couldn’t bring themselves to tell these Tomsula Acolytes that their God-King had caught a train to the east coast.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

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“How many other black people in the house tonight? 3? 2? 1?”

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

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CCTV footage reveals Chiefs’ variation on the Astros’ “steal signals and relay the information by banging on a trashcan” scheme.

Game Time Decision

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is he still available?
-Matt Nagy

LemonJello

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“What the hell is Whoopi Goldberg doing on the field?”
-Confused Packers “owners”

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“No, you idiot, that’s Flavor Flav.” – ‘more enlightened’ Packers owners

nomonkeyfun

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Dammit Ray. How many times do we have to tell you not to leave your stabby stabby things on the field.

nomonkeyfun

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I haven’t seen a “Kacey” bob their head like that since Ms. Kox retired from film.

ArmedandHammered

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Stupid mascot, it’s a “pull”, not “push”.

nomonkeyfun

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You usually don’t see something so soft in Baltimore outside of soft shell season. This item is better known as the Orioles lineup.

ArmedandHammered

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Holy crap, I know the in thing for comic book movies is the team theme, but isn’t this scraping the bottom of the barrel?

ArmedandHammered

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What did they call that play? The Rainbow Connection?

Alternatively: A Philip Rivers tribute play.

ArmedandHammered

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“Nailed it!” – Blair Walsh
“Nailed it!” – Mr. Ayo

“I am only the god of field goals, not punts! Stupid priests.” – Shanklor

ArmedandHammered

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The guy who keeps up with fatal shootings in Baltimore throws up his hands, muttering “I only thought I would have to work after the game.”

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

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“Today, Starbucks announced the release of it’s new Oat Milk Latte”

Game Time Decision

This is the reaction when told Pumpkin spice would now be around all year

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Fuck, yours is better