2019 Quotables – Conference Round (Submissions)

blaxabbath
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Good weekend? Good weekends. So I’m trying to get some other work done here and am just going to jump right to your Quotables Conference Round submissions.


Damn millennials can’t just high five? They really gotta kiss?

If Jimmy G had weapons like this, he’d have thrown NINE passes in that game.

Actual Cardinals headline, “Andy Reid was suppose to be in Arizona.” Pathetic.

The Surface Pro is the perfect tool — so long as you don’t wear gloves.

“No reason this guy shouldn’t be able to land six or seven wives.” – Steve Young

The Juice is taking a stab at predicting the Super Bowl winner!

Travis Kelce looks prepared for the 2020 Unite the Right Rally #WWG1WGA

“Guys who take out a ref then walk to the sideline or Jed York. Gee, wonder who I’ll root for?” -RTD
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blaxabbath
blaxabbath
I sat on a jury years ago, 2nd degree attempted murder case. One day the defendant wore sneakers with his suit to court. It was that day I knew he was guilty.
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[…] 2019 Quotables – Conference Round (Submissions) – January 21, 2020 […]

LemonJello

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“GODDAMMIT! WHO LICKED ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH OFF THE BEATER AND THEN HANDED IT TO ME?”

Unsurprised

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Linda Lovelace is gonna sue for trademark infringement

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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Tannehill was quickly realized that the Surface Pro doesn’t transmit smells and closed the browser window for Transnational Amusements before one of the coaches noticed.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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“Why does the Lamar Hunt trophy have bite marks in it?”

“I thought had chocolate inside.”

SonOfSpam

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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It was that day blaxxabath knew Jerry Rice was guilty.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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“Sigh. I still wish you were Sean McVay.”

Unsurprised

I wish Tim McVeigh was there.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

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Pads are for pussies

/end double entendre

BrettFavresColonoscopy

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High five or high 25?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

/ 28 – 3 = 25
//shows self out

BrettFavresColonoscopy

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Azaleas can suck it

Unsurprised

Funny. It doesn’t look like T.I.

LemonJello

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“Contact with an official on the field? That’s a fine! A BIG fine!!!”
-R. Goodell, unsuccessfully trying to hide his erection

BC Dick

What are these erections you guys keep talking about – R. Kraft, successful at same.

Redshirt

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And another “All You Can Eat” buffet falls before Andy Reid.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

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“I wonder how Erin Andrews would’ve reacted to that.” — Richard Sherman

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

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That’s the smile of a quarterback being paid $137 million to hand the ball off.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

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“I wish Jerry played for me while I was coaching the Niners. I would’ve cut him so fast…” — C. Kelly

nomonkeyfun

Poor Andy Reid always having to deal with these fat jokes. Can’t we just let the man go for the whole hog in peace. It won’t take him longer than a wasted timeout to eat it from snout to tail.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

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“Okay, who ate all the chocolate out of the center of this thing?!”

Don T

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SFW marketing of Microsoft’s CockGlide®️ tech

Don T

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Don’t go all Marvin Gay Sr. now, OK?

Game Time Decision

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run play?
swipes left.

nomonkeyfun

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“I hope the Chiefs are going to win it all. That Tyreek Hill knows how to treat a woman properly.”

BrettFavresColonoscopy

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If only he had used his time in Miami to have Snowflake teach him how to throw footballs with his nose.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

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Sometimes you think you have true love and then you catch the early flight home from San Diego and a couple of nude people jump out of your bathroom blindfolded like a goddamn magic show ready to double team your girlfriend…and then, well, you know what you have to do.

nomonkeyfun

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Man, Donovan McNabb is going to puke if he has to see Andy Reid hoist the Lombardi.

Enrico Pallazzo

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You’re next, Joey Chestnut!

BC Dick

Yes. And that headline is still up. Add the D, dammit!

Enrico Pallazzo

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Andy Reid wanted to do that but…uh…hmmmmm

nomonkeyfun

A shitty drug, but it has given us so many jokes and songs.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

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I’m sick of Rich Eisen and his stunts.

LemonJello

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“NAWT FACKIN’ FA-UH! JIMMIE WAS OU-AH FUTCH-AH DREAMBOAT REPLACEMENT FO-AH WHEN TAWMMY FACKIN’ RETIRED! THIS WAS OU-AH DESTINY! NO ONE DENIES THIS!”

SonOfSpam

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Phil Simms: “Wow, I guess them Surface tablets have been around forever – I remember Lawrence Taylor doing that on the sidelines all the time.”

theeWeeBabySeamus

Oh, that is good.

Old School Zero

I was gonna make a Steve Gleason joke but let’s just stick with this.

LemonJello

Oh. Damn.

SonOfSpam

Please do that. I wanna know someone when I get to hell.

SonOfSpam

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My prediction? Well, the Chiefs are gonna be ready to play. See, they’re angry. They see the Super Bowl trophy as theirs, and the 49ers are just like some limp-wristed waiter trying to horn in on their property. That trophy better stay out of the way or it might not survive what’s comin’. Man, I’d sure hate to be whoever has to clean up the field when I get through with those two. God bless!

LemonJello

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“Hey! What’s Hall of Fame Raiders Receiver Jerry Rice doing at today’s game?!?”
-some millennial 49ers fan, probably

nomonkeyfun

Not seen off screen is NY Jet Ronnie Lott cursing the defenseless receiver, helmet to helmet, and spearing rules that have made the NFL the offensive sport it is today.

BC Dick

I also curse them. Nae man is defenceless on a football field.

Beerguyrob

The one 12 in a Seahawks Rice jersey weeps silently in the corner, hoping nobody notices.

nomonkeyfun
theeWeeBabySeamus

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That’s the guy who called us for holding in the first half. GET HIM!!!!!

SonOfSpam

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The trophy ceremony was emotional, and tears fell freely, not unlike the chili mac in the background.

LemonJello

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**Cat’s In The Cradle plays over the stadium PA**

theeWeeBabySeamus

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Someone is gonna have to clean up all that shit coming down behind us.
No problemo….Kaep needs a job.

LemonJello

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J. Buck: “He’s clearly concussed. That’s not Coach’s scratch-n-sniff Microsoft Surface Pro, the official tablet of the National Football League!”

theeWeeBabySeamus

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NO TOUCHING!!!!

ArmedandHammered

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I’m gonna have a Mercedes park in my tender loin district tonight!

ArmedandHammered

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What am I offered for this fine trophy?
Do I hear 2 briskets and an entire hogs weight in smoked sausage?
A brisket and a chicken?
How about a full bbq brisket?
C’mon!
This is a rare artifact for a Chief’s fan! Work with me here!

Game Time Decision

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How does this “surface” work as a tissue? Not bad. Not bad at all.

Game Time Decision

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Splooooosh

Game Time Decision

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You’re doing it wrong. On the lips, damn it
– Tom Brady

nomonkeyfun

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“You needed fucking Elway to get to the Super Bowl. I did it with a 50 something year old comedian. Who’s better now? Huh, who’s better now?”

nomonkeyfun

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Andy Reid hopes to get that monkey off his back in two weeks, then slather it in sweet, sweet BBQ sauce.

nomonkeyfun

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You would think it was Sarah Thomas and Tyreek Hill on the field.