Request Line: This and That

INT. RECORDING STUDIO – DAY

The PRODUCER is puttering around the studio, assembling a Rude Goldberg-looking construction out of various office materials.  He is humming the tune from the Jimmy Buffet song “Coconut Telegraph” to himself.  DJ 3000 sits silently, updating his operating system.

DJ 3000: [Configuring update – 35% complete]

The PRODUCER casually walks over to a section of drywall, looks it over carefully, then begins hitting it with the back end of a claw hammer, tearing large pieces of material out.

DJ 3000: [Configuring update – 68% complete]

The PRODUCER begins yanking sections of copper pipe out of the hole he has created and adds them to the contraption he is building using a large roll of packing tape.

DJ 3000: [boots up]

The PRODUCER pauses and glances over at him.

DJ 3000: AH!  WELL, I AM BACK.  I SURE AM FEELING REFRESHED.  HOW IS EVERY…UH…THING?

DJ 3000’s console lights blink with concern as he surveys the scene around the studio.  The PRODUCER continues humming while resuming construction.

DJ 3000: WHAT ARE YOU MAKING?

PRODUCER: A marble racing track.

DJ 3000: [notices that a significant amount of electrical conduit has been used at various junctures] WHAT…WHAT ARE YOU MAKING IT OUT OF?

PRODUCER: Oh, you know, this and that.

DJ 3000: I SEE.  ARE YOU ALMOST FINISHED?

PRODUCER: Indeed I am!  Perfect timing, too, because it’s time to introduce today’s guest for Request Line.

The PRODUCER tapes a couple more pieces into place, and then stands up and heads over to the console, where the guest is waiting.

PRODUCER: [punches a button to go live] Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to this week’s edition of Request Line!  I couldn’t be more thrilled to introduce our first guest…

DJ 3000: IS THAT…

PRODUCER: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha, no, don’t be ridiculous.  This isn’t the Duke of Cravendale…it’s the Earl of Bovania.  He’s the special envoy from the Kingdom of Craven to the nation-state of Pacifica.

DJ 3000: PACIFICA?

PRODUCER: Yes, the nation-state of Pacifica, which was formed from the remains of California, Oregon, Washington State, and British Columbia, and also includes the island of Colorado.

DJ 3000: YOU MEAN VANCOUVER?

PRODUCER: Yes, Vancouver too.  My Lord, we’re so excited to have you here so we can discuss the Last Marble Standing games.

EARL OF BOVANIA:

PRODUCER: In particular, I’d love to talk about the block pushing event.  And perhaps hear your explanation as to us how it was that The Freshers were afforded not one, but TWO extra chances in the block pushing event after one of the marbles jumped the track.

EARL OF BOVANIA:

DJ 3000: UM…DON’T YOU THINK…

PRODUCER: [with increasing agitation] No, no, let him speak for himself.

EARL OF BOVANIA:

PRODUCER: Or maybe he didn’t hear my question.  That’s fine, I’ll repeat it.  [carefully articulated, with a great deal of menace] Why did The Freshers receive two extra chances in the block pushing event, forcing Milky Madness into the last place and preventing them from advancing in the standings?

EARL OF BOVANIA:

PRODUCER: YOU THINK THIS IS A FUCKING GAME? HUH? I’VE GOT NEWS FOR YOU, YOU ROYAL SACK OF SHIT, IT DIDN’T EVEN WORK!  YOU COULDN’T KEEP THOSE LOSERS OUT OF LAST PLACE NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU STACKED THE DECK.

EARL OF BOVANIA:

The PRODUCER withdraws a pen that has been holding the EARL OF BOVANIA in place and the marble begins rolling down the makeshift track. 

PRODUCER: YOU WANT TO SEE WHAT’S AT THE BOTTOM OF THE TRACK, YOU SACK OF SHIT? HUH? YOU WANT TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS?

The EARL OF BOVANIA enters a section of copper tubing.

PRODUCER: TRY JUMPING THE TRACK NOW, YOU CHEATING PIECE OF FUCK!

Eventually the EARL OF BOVANIA emerges from the copper tubing, reaches the bottom of the track and bumps a mousetrap-style trigger that ultimately causes a file cabinet which has been balanced on one corner to descend and land heavily on the marble, cracking it in half.  Unsatisfied, the PRODUCER leaps up from his chair and begins pounding on the marble with the claw hammer, reducing it to small fragments of broken glass.

PRODUCER: YOU LIKE THAT, YOU FUCKING FUCK? HUH? YOU LIKE IT?

Breathing heavily, the PRODUCER takes the shards of the EARL OF BOVANIA and deposits them into the top of his homemade still.  The camera lingers and we see that the distillation column is practically full of the remains of hundreds of shattered marbles.  The PRODUCER then turns to DJ 3000, who is nervously eyeing the hammer. 

PRODUCER: [brightly] So.  What do you say that we get to the music?

Today’s theme is: “This and That”.  We’re looking for songs which contain just two items in the title, in the format “XXX and YYY”.  Things like “The XXX and the YYY” are fine too.  There’s probably about a million songs that fit this format, so the only real restriction is that you pick songs that are GOOD.  Post links as “https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cRA7eNda7e_was_R!GG3D” and they should embed in the comments after you refresh.  

 

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Law-abiding Raiders fan, pet owner, Los Angeles resident.
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