Instant Hippo Thoughts – Week 14, #NuAIDS Season

It’s Festive Fixtures time o’ year, when the Premiership plays seemingly every day, and we get Sabado NFL (Donks AND Black Panthers next week WOO!!!!).  But no matter whether one worships Sha’nkhor, Shan’khor, or even Shank’hor [Official Church Doctrine is Shan’klor- bloody schismatic wars have been fought over less] you were certainly sated yesterday.  And not JUST by way of Sergio Castillo, Blair Walsh’s Mexican, Non-Union Equivalent.  Though that dude wants to get the sack even MOAR than Adam Gase, it would seem.

[Closed captions for the Hard of Hippo provided by the Church of the Immaculate Deception, Rev. E. Mayhem presiding]

The early slate?

So FUCK IT, it’s my column, and I will start with Horse Cock Lock’s FOUR scoring tosses, [Missouri alumnus and Drew Lock] as Donks WOO!! [Woo] celebrate their Superb Owl 50 Redux visit to Hippo’s hometown (during our Plague Year lockdown, obvs, we wouldn’t want Hippo to see his Donks live before he dies or anything) with a 32-27 win over the Black Panthers.  Denver was playing with its 3rd round rookie and a bunch of guys off the street at CB, but they actually held up pretty damned good.  It’s almost like Don [Vic] Fangio can establish a defense just fine.  This is something to build on, both for the coaching staff and the young QB – both of which should return for 2021 (in my view). [Elway can get stuffed though.]

We did get some early hilarity, with MRSA Dreamboat [Tampa Bay’s Tom Brady] missing multiple early, deep passes – to wide open Gronk and Godwin, respectively.  But fucking Minny couldn’t convert its early chances, especially when placement kicking was involved (paging Mister Winkles) [SNARLSNARLGNASHRIPTEARSNARLSNARLGNASH].  The Shield made sure to page the officiating crew, and one bailout BLEERGH [bullshit flag] after another followed, until Tampa led 23-6.  Further hilarity ensued, watching Captain Dingleberry [Kirk Cousins] check down every goddamned play down 12, under 4 minutes to play, with NO FUCKING TIMEOUTS.  Christ, what a fuckhead.  [Troof] Still, MRSA Dreamboat finished under 200 yards, at home against a garbage barge pass defense.  We won’t be able to keep them out of the playoffs, but it should be “one and done” so long as they don’t luck into the 5 seed. [Oh God, they’re going to the Super Bowl…]

We’ve seen an amazing turnaround/rash of competence out of Los Gigantes [New Jersey Giants] the past month plus.  [I think there’s a cream for that]  That…abruptly crashed into a wall like a car driven after 9pm by Tony LaRussa.  Danny Dimebag [Daniel Jones] returned, to immediately fumble and spot the Qards [Arizona Cardinals] an early, never-relinquished lead.  26-7 was your ultimate final.  [This just in- the Arizona GOP has called for the Cardinals to secede from the NFC and join the XFL]  I noticed almost nothing from this game, soUrry.

This is how good the Fat Andy/Mahomesy Chefs have become.  They spotted a good Miami (stop laughing) [never] side a 10-zip lead, and committed 4 turnovers.  At the time of that 4th turnover?  KC led 30-10.  LOLfins drove the length of the field for a score, got a 3 and out and ANOTHER score…then Mahomes started paying attention, and methodically got first downs until the game-sealing FG with 70-ish seconds left.  Tua got them quickly in FG range, but the ensuing onsider was non-dramatic.  33-27, still one hell of a backdoor cover. [somethingsomethingLisaAnnsomething]

KC’s win clinched the AFC West, before Vegas even took the field.  But they hosted the Humps [Colts] in a game with massive Wild Card, Bitches! implications.  But in trying mightily to lose to the Jest last week, we all saw that the Raiders defense is MOAR imaginary than the 500s [alleged Texans] organization, or any of us reading and/or writing this column. [For newbies- it is an Article of Faith that we are all Imaginary Internet Friends, despite the fact that a number of us have met at DFOCons, hung out, donated organs to each other, etc.] Indy rolls, 44-27, with a nice Emo [Derek Carr] Pick 6 to make things silly.

I forgot to wrap the most forgettable early fixtures.  Red Rocket [Andy Dalton] achieved his mighty vengeance over the Bungles [self-explanatory], 30-7.  His stat line was the forgettable type Cincy was used to, but the Non-Gendered Cowperson [Dallas] defense did all the heavy lifting.  Or at least, they accepted the many gifts they were given by an injured, train wreck CIN offense.

I faced DonT and El Tractorcito [Derrick Henry] in DFO playoffs.  Uh…the Domestic Jaguras put up much less of a fight than their London counterparts.  [It’s a fair cop, guv’nah]  26 carries, 215 yards, 2 scores.  Yeah.  31-3 before TN quit trying, and Minshew Mania got one garbage time score.  You know, for old-times sake.

Chi**** [Bears] celebrated the beginning of their usual reversion to 8-8, beating the tar shit out of the 500s, 36-7.  I am not sure the 500s offense has a single NFL-calibre player, other than TheShaun.  [Tunsil isn’t tragic. Until you think about the players they could have gotten with the draft picks he cost] He’s gonna die out there, and right soon.

Back to the Late Show.  Remember how we expected the SeaTruthers to beat the hound [?] of their Joisey visitors last week?  Will, they got it right on the second go-round.  Good Lord, have the Jest ever packed it in.  [Is this another anal sex joke?]  Adding insult to injury?  Geno Smith finished off the last quarter-plus for Seattle.  And Jamal Adams got a cheapie Q4 sack to set the all-time, single season record for a DB.

RED ALERT!  We got a Dwayne Haskins sighting, to start the 2nd half in Santa Cl…I mean in Arizona against the Tomsulas [39ers. I’ve deducted 10 until Jimmy G comes back].  Fortunately for Dok [our estimable Doktor Zymm] and other Team fans, Chase Young had spotted him a 13-7 lead (Not Quite Ded Alex Smith was 8/19, 57 yards and a pick).  Pretty much solely Chase Young, but it was enough.  Nick Mullens is an absolute shitshow, tossing a Pick 6 on the last play of Q3 for a 23-7 very insurmountable lead.  Somehow, Mullens did still get them within 23-15, but the dream of all four NFC Westers in el torneo?  Es muerte.

The magic undies/golden plates struck midnight for One Taysom Hill (h/t, Litre) [Ok, that funny], as the freaking Iggles shut the Saints out in the first half.  [Damning] It would have been 20-nil, but the PHI placement kicker shanked a 22-yarder right at the death.  DFO’s favoUrite Stormin’ Mormon tossed two Q3 scores, but then lost a dagger fumble late, nearing tying-FG range.  PHI converted the gift into a clinching TD, 24-14 – until Pedersen’s idiocy (not taking a knee after missed FG under 2:00, fumbling, followed by TD and a near-successful onside kick).  Jalen Hurts?  [Probably- he did play a full game of tackle football] Looked pretty good out there.  Not great, but also not Dakota Jeebus [Carson Wentz].  And we have a 4-sided race again in the NFC Special Needs Division!

Bay of Green didn’t want the other State Farm horrible commercial actor to have all the fun, and their win over the no-Fuck Lions wrapped up the NFC North.  Detroit actually kept it close for awhile, but one half of competence was all they could muster.  31-24, fin – thanks to a 58-yard dagger from Mason Crosby (DET kicked a FG in the red zone after long KO return, but the onside kick failed).  The #1 seed is still very much in play, so the Packers won’t/can’t put things in cruise control.  Fat Stafford got hurt late, so should be a fun final 3 weeks in Michigan.  [Awaiting results on x-rays to the ribs.  Just shut him down, for the love of God.]

Sherman’s Ashes [Atlanta] ventured west to play Clippers du Merde [“Clippers of Shit”- the Chargers] and it was absolutely as bad as you’d imagine.  The Clips’ Keystone Kops routine at the end of the half cost them an easy FG, and summed up just how over his head Anthony Lynn is.  Yes, he took over responsibility for special teams leading into this game.  Sadly, they have already played the Jest, so they can’t be flexed to Week 17 SNF, which would absolutely be what 2020 deserves (even though said game would technically be in 2021).  ATL didn’t want this win, neither – with Matty Ice [Matt Ryan] throwing an idiotic late Q4 pickerception, well within Younghoe range.  But Herbert the Duck returned the favoUr, even later.  And then Matty was all like, nah, y’all take it back.  THREE PICKS in the final 3:30 or so of normal time.  Somehow, Clippers du Merde waddled into FG range in less than 30 seconds, despite a personal foul (post-change of possession).  Badgley surprisingly MADE IT from 43, and we don’t have to watch Extra Time.  Thank you, Lord above!

That leaves a fairly tasty SNF tilt, Yinzers away to Brokeback and Palz.  I toss you over to our Spiritual Leader, and resident Bills Mafia capo, Rev. Mayhem!!

[Men. MEN! I was fucking JAZZED for this game, because in Hippo’s words, we finally had the less evil/higher IQ quarterback for a change.  The first quarter was a complete fucking slugfest.  Not in the exciting “heavyweight fight before Don King killed boxing” sense, but in the “Jethro blew up the moonshine still, I guess we’ll go down to the American Legion and watch the slug races” sense.  The second quarter wasn’t much more promising– after a Tyler Bass field goal, things wound down toward a 7-3 halftime score.  BUT NOT YET! Fourth-rounder Taron “Not The Kid From Kingsman” Johnson intercepted The Ben and took it 55 yards TO THE PROVERBIAL HOUSE. Bass-O-Matic missed the XP, but the momentum had shifted. Josh Allen and Stefon Diggs caught fire, the defense went into overdrive, and the Bills gained something of a signature win, 26-15. Or perhaps it was the Steelers showing that their 11-0 start really was a fluke of weak opponents and advantageous scheduling.

Nope. SIGNATURE WIN, BITCHES! SUUUUUUPPPERRRR BOOOOOOOWLLLLL]

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King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
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[…] I didn’t catch a lick of football this weekend so you’ll have to HippoTalk for any thoughts on, you know, the NFL. For me, I’m a little sick, a lot of tired, and just […]

blaxabbath

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Heavy Fog is Meghan McCain’s secret service name.

rockingdog

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Redshirt

I see the Electoral College Vote at 240-232 Biden with three states to go, but the Bengals have scarred me to consider no lead as safe.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The Raiders have fired their defensive coordinator.

Paul Guenther? More like Paul GONE-ther, amirite?

Last edited 3 years ago by Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Sharkbait

I hear Greggggggggg is available.

Dunstan

Well the Raiders do owe the guy.

blaxabbath

Word on The Strip is Wade Phillips would be interested.

SonOfSpam

“Tell me more about this strip steak”

-A. Reid

Game Time Decision

Cute kid Blax Hippo Rev

TheRevanchist

We still aren’t sure who the father is.

LemonJello

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Sharkbait

More seasonally appropriate:
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Dunstan

I’m hardly the first person to point this out, but a lot of Christianity sounds to me like it was a bit of excuse-making that got out of control.

“Mary, you’re way too far along for this baby to have been mine. I can’t believe you cheated on me, and you weren’t a virgin on our wedding night!”
“I didn’t cheat on you, I swear! It was… uh… well, I just got pregnant anyway!”
“That’s not possible! Are you asking me to believe that this is some kind of miracle baby?”
“Yes! Yes, that’s it!”

Several decades later…
“So, Matthew, what happened to that guy you were following around for a few years? You know, the one you said was the Messiah? Whatever happened to him?”
“Uh… he died. Crucified.”
“Hmm. Well, that’s got to be a little embarrassing for you.”
“No, he really was the Messiah! Why, after he was crucified, he rose from the dead!”
“Really? So he’s still out there giving sermons and stuff? How come you’re not still following him?”
“Uh, well, you see, right after he rose from the dead, he went away again…. But he’s totally coming back someday!”

Redshirt

God: “Hah! I’m certain to beat that serpent in Apple Tree Contest.”
Adam: “Can we have one of those apples, my Lord?”
God: “Uh, no.”
Eve: “Why not?”
God:”…reasons. Hey look at those Unicorns!””

BrettFavresColonoscopy

How the hell did the Bears look cromulent? Romeo that bad?

LemonJello

BRING BACK LOVIE!

LemonJello

What’ll Ryan Pace include in the trade if the Illini take Nagy off his hands?

blaxabbath

“IT’S ALL IN THE BEARS’ ALGORITHMS!!!!!”

-Crackhead Mike Lindell
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Sharkbait

I read this morning that fucker is planning on running for Governor of Minnesota

blaxabbath

He should.

litre_cola

Mighty Whitey drew, the Iggles won, and I lost all 4 playoff matchups. 2020 is weird.

Doktor Zymm

I’m gonna be so disappointed if the winner of the NFC East makes it to 8-8

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Same here. The only hope I have remaining for this season is to see a 6-10 team win the NFC East.

blaxabbath

Hippo: “DREW LOCK IS A GOT DAMNED STAR!”

Everyone Else: “Oh I’d forgotten, Hippo is the pill guy!”

Don T

What a charming Little Man. Adjusting my AFC Champ. prediction* to TEN @ BUF.

* Prayer. Not that much of a stretch, as long as TEN avoids playoff teams with a good-to-great O-line. Fucken Browns.

Sharkbait

The week leading up to that game would be non stop Music City Miracle highlights. Rev might not survive the week.

litre_cola

That is -268 degrees C. Also known as a Prairie Winter.

Doktor Zymm

Not quite cold enough for Bose-Einstein condensate to form, which is unfortunate, as when you stir it with lasers it has the unusual property of making field goal kicks accurate