Your Early Games Slate

Excuse the mess around these parts. A hellacious, take-no-prisoners Canadian slap fight took place here yesterday. I see certain commenters in a whole new light now and as for me-I don’t think I’ll ever be quite the same again. I regard these upcoming games as a salve for the many psychic wounds incurred. Let’s get to them, shall we?

Chi @ KC: The Battles of the 1-3’s! Cutler is questionable but expected to play so I can’t use the word Clausenfuck. Damn it! Bears leading receiver is Bennett, averaging 50 yds. per game. That’s not going to cut it. Chicago has 13 guys listed as questionable and has had to throw together the old tried and true “patchwork” line to protect Cutler. He’ll be blamed for their inevitable failure against a Chiefs squad that can get to the QB. Don’t put it past Reid to completely ignore JC inside the red zone YET AGAIN.

Sea @ Cin: Cincy is favoured by 3 in this game and Lynch will miss his 2nd straight game. Dalton is ginger-hot with a 9/1 TD/Intercept ratio. Both teams have won their last few games-Wilson has been sacked a league-leading 18 times so far while Dalton has fallen into enemy hands just twice so far. That’s good protection! Seattle is third best in QB pressures though. All-Pro Geno Atkins doesn’t care-he’s up against Justin Britt and the incipient skid marks he’ll have on his undies.

Was @ Atl: Slurs D has improved from 31st last year to about 11th to date. They are ranked #2 in yards allowed in the run game. Pass D might be an issue though-starting in the secondary this week is a 2nd yr. guy, a rook and a recent signee. JULIO SHALL FEAST. Much like Dalton/Green, Ryan/Jones have a very exciting and unstoppable thing going these days. Despite that I’d say that Freeman’s 448 combined yards and 7 TD’s have been more significant regarding Falco’s ritzy 4-0 start.

Jax @ TB: It’s the battle of the 1-3’s! Sound familiar? Welcome to Goodhell’s NFL. Hard to tell by the record but Bortles is progressing, Yeldon looks to be the future of the backfield and Robinson would be getting much more print were he in a more football-friendly city. Also, TE Thomas is expected to put in his first start today. The huge news in Tampa is that Connor Barth is back in town! If he makes 51% of his field goals he’ll be an improvement over Brindza. So, what I’m saying is…THE BAR IS LOW FOR HIM! (God, I love kicker jokes, don’t you?) Thar be talk that Head Pirate Smith be walking the plank before the next full moon.

NO @ Phi: Rob Ryan’s D gives up 9.8 yards per pass play. That’s right, pass against the Saints and you win a first down. Last I heard this was a passing league and you have to defend the pass. Pass-Wolfman’s not getting one. Ingram and Matthews-respective RB’s in this game-have one thing in common, they both lead their team in rushing and receiving. I guess that’s two things. Contrary to what you may think this game is rated AAA by the good folks at Duracell.

Cle @ Bal: Browns D is ranked 28th overall. Throw out last year with Tampa and McCown has a 17/2 ratio going back to his Bears days. Thanks to this statistical finagling I can put it out there that he’s a serviceable QB which he is not but can anyone do anything here? Browns starters are dealing with more than their share of boo-boos-Robertson, Gipson, RB’s Draugh, Turbin and Johnson, Hartline, Dansby and Haden are all out or playing wounded. The Ravens pass game is so bad Chris Givens is looked at as an upgrade. [looks over WR crew] Hmmm, Smith, Waller, Brown, Aiken and Campanaro…huh, I guess he is an improvement.

StL @ GB: Gurley went squirrelly last week against an above-average Cards D. His reward? Green Bay on the road. If the rook can keep the ball in his hands for lengthy periods of time it will give the Rams a shot at a win. The Pack are favoured by 9, are 4-0 ATS and have won 11 straight at home. A Rams win is not going to happen.

Buf @ Ten: Watkins is out today. I do love the way the Bills are playing D but Ryan lets them go off the rails at times as we saw against the Giants last week and the end result is a ton of stupid penalties. Due to injuries in the backfield Boobie has got to get it done for Buffalo and I have faith in him because Boobies have always done it for me. The Titans running yards leader is Sankey with 126 and their receiving king is Wright with 213. Oof! Those are lousy numbers, kids. Mariota is humming along to the tune of 8 TD’s and 2 intercepts. Rook QB’s need to keep their mistakes to a minimum (listening are we Winston?) and he’s done that. It was evident even in pre-season that when a play or protection broke down he didn’t get panicky. Now, how about a little help, D?

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Sill Bimmons

Federal prosecutors find Factory workers to be liable for deadly mayhem caused during lockout break-in attempt, ringleaders are sentenced to hang and The Factory is shuttered until further notice.

indieguy

in life imitating comment the local uaw didn’t pass the contract

Redshirt

The only afternoon game I have is Dallas Cowboys vs. New England Patriots. People have turned into evil supervillains over less.

Sill Bimmons
John Difool

God, I hope so.

entropy

I’m just rooting for Brady to get taken out of the game, either by injury or sniper.

Dunstan

Nothing like a Dreamboatsack to alleviate the sad.

indieguy

that depends. the cubs won the bears won if the browns win i’m convinced Beelzebub is planning on overtaking this christian nation in a sports themed upset culminating in a cowboys win

...

So, I was out walking through the city yesterday and passed by an empty storefront with a sign saying a restaurant called “Flaco’s Tacos” was opening soon.

I had to fight with all of my being to not shout out, “BUT ARE THESE TACOS ELITE?”

Sill Bimmons

My guess is that they’ll be average except for one January a couple years ago.

King Hippo

show the goddamned Denver game, goddamn it.

Redshirt

How are the Craps and the Crapbirds just now starting OT?

nomonkeyfun

Many penalties.

Including against the kicker for late hit.
Keep on Crapbirding.

King Hippo

Soo much DOOP, so little time and/or PANTZ

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
entropy

She’s very tiny.

King Hippo

me rikey

entropy

Oh, it was not a complaint.

Sill Bimmons

HANG ON DOOPY

DOOPY HANG ON

ThePirateSloth

I just…. god dammit.

Dick E. Phuck

Look at that. Sam Bradford actually threw for 300 yards. I guess anything IS possible if you go up against the Saints D.

Doktor Zymm

Gee, thanks RCN for cutting out my internet connection just long enough for me to miss all of overtime. It’s like you knew that I was finally getting 5 minutes to watch football, and it was super exciting and you knew that was the exact moment to be the most infuriating. I don’t believe that machines have no personalities. They’re already starting the uprising, but it’s subtle.

John Difool

You should send them a thank you letter….trust me on this one.

Sill Bimmons

Holy FUCKBALLS Browns clock management

...

MOAR OVARTIME

Redshirt

Who Dey!

Moonbatting Average

Congrats Redshirt!

Moonbatting Average

I love Seahawksfreude

Cutting it real close Nuge

Sill Bimmons

goddammit c-hox

John Difool

DOINKCESS !

Moonbatting Average

YEAH BENGALS!

entropy

“I’d be really surprised if we see Andy Dalton do anything.”

So would everyone else, Troy.

Sill Bimmons

Haymarket Square-style standoff as Factory employees attempt to break in, two killed and seventeen injured as gunfire and tear gas are deployed by Factory security.

nomonkeyfun

Redshirt

Bring in the Pickertons!

Glorious Chairman Dan

I’d rather have the Skins be fucking blown out than lose an OT game like that.

ThePirateSloth

Yes Troy Aikman, the Seahawks D absolutely wanted the offense to hand the fucking game over to the Bengals, just so they could lose the game in OT.

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