France is hosting Euro 2016, which means the soccer (or “football” if you don’t have American genitalia) team automatically qualified for the annual competition. As the tepid betting favorites for the competition, there is pressure on the French team to play well for the disaffected smelly home crowds. The last time France hosted a major competition (World Cup 1998), they prevailed, so there is certainly some precedent for high expectations.

The French attack, however, will be missing their best player. Karim Benzema is not on the Euro 2016 team because he was arrested for attempting to blackmail another soccer player over a sex tape.

Wait…WHAT?

Let me get this straight. Karim Benzema is a world class striker who plays for Real Madrid (who just won the UEFA Champions League), and he makes 8 million euros a year. That translates to a little over 9 million US dollars (the only currency that counts). Still, he felt the need to attempt to blackmail another soccer player over a sex tape.

So without Benzema (again, can’t play because sextapeblackmail), the French attack will have to make do with guys like Olivier Giroud, Antoine Greizmann, Charlie Hebdo, Paul Pogba, and Dmitri Payet, who can do stuff like this:

They’ll manage just fine. As for the back line, their #1 goalkeeper is Hugo Lloris, pictured here stalking his line:

He looks up to the job.

France is in Group A (the “Group of Meh”) along with Romania, Switzerland, and Albania (I hope they get to play at night, poor things). Here’s the group schedule:

Group A is pretty soft, with Switzerland the only possible threat to France, so the frogs should have no trouble advancing to the knockout round. Speaking of frogs, here’s a fun anecdote. Years ago, I worked with this French guy (named Jean I think), and other guys at the office would always give him crap like “Hey, where’s your beret?” and other high-concept witticisms. So one day I asked Jean if anything like that (or like calling him a “frog”) bothered him. He said “I can pretty much handle anyzeeng, but do not say a bad word about de Gaulle.” I said, “That’s really the only thing? You’ll get pissed if someone insults Charles de Gaulle???” He looked me right in the eye and said, “I will kick anyone’s ass, I don’t care how beeg they are, if they fuck with de Gaulle.”

This was a shame, because I had a whole “Aristocrats” joke I was gonna do starring the de Gaulle family. Oh well.

Ok, back to the preview or whatever this is. France should cruise through the Group round, and I think they’ll play inspired soccer all the way to the final, where they’ll meet Germany. For one half, the Germans will dominate, keeping France on the run, battering their defenses mercilessly. But in the second half, France will be buoyed by support from the Russian team at one end of the field, and the American team at the other end of the field, and Germany just won’t have enough players to counteract, and Europe will once again be safe from Teutonic domination. (OH YOU’RE WELCOME BY THE WAY FRANCE)