Editor’s Note:  I HIGHLY recommend that you take some sort of…substance… before reading this.  It gets…weird.

Other Editor’s Note:  Way ahead of you.  And also….so you think it’s just now getting weird?  Maybe I write about some stuff up YOUR ass next time.  And now you got me tripping on acid?  Who knows what might end up up my ass this time?  Jeebus.  smgdh  (You’re in deep doo doo when we get to Nogales)

–

[Inside Dave who is inside the ferry going from Santa Rosalía to Guaymas, 5:45 AM]

tWBS rips an obnoxiously loud fart that smells… metallic.  It wakes up balls.

balls: Dammit! What’s wrong with you!?!

tWBS: It’s YOUR fault! You know that,  right? My asshole ain’t been right since Mónica.

balls: Again,  I apologize for underestimating her proclivities.  When we get ashore,  we should stop by a farmacia to see if we can get a cork put in your ass.

tWBS: You know what?

balls (choking): YOU BASTARD!!

tWBS giggles like a kid and then starts choking.

tWBS: Fuck! Let me crack a window!

The ferry arrives in Guaymas and the boat slowly unloads.  After gassing Dave up and grabbing some road snacks,  they are on la 15 headed north to Hermosillo, the capital of the state of Sonora.

tWBS: Man, it’s been a long time since I’ve been to Hermosillo!

balls: Longer for me,  I’m sure.  Do you remember much?

tWBS: I remember the steaks were delicious.  And the women are fucking tall.

balls: Sonora is known for two things: its beef and its women.  In that respect,  you could say it’s the Texas of México. There is a higher European influence here in the gene pool than anywhere in México which is why the women are fairer and taller.

tWBS: And they have nice asses! I remember the asses!

balls: As do I. My family lived in Sonora for two years when I was little.  The memory of those asses has stayed with me all these years.  Shit,  that is probably why I worship women’s butts!

tWBS: All of a sudden,  a lot of things are starting to make sense.

balls: Like what?

tWBS: Like how it is we’re actually friends.

balls: Indeed.

La 15 to Hermosillo is well-maintained and is pretty much a straight line so Dave is able to handle it with ease. In less than 90 minutes,  they reach the outskirts of Hermosillo.

balls: Man, I remember back in the day there was a record store that blasted the music so loud that you could hear it blocks away!

tWBS:  Where was it?

balls:  Somewhere on the main strip.  I don’t remember.  What I do remember is the song they played all the fucking time:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e7FVwtjMQPU

tWBS:  That must have gotten annoying.

As they get into town, the highway turns into the main strip.  They continue heading north until the curve east.  Suddenly, they hear a loud noise.

tWBS:  Are you fucking kidding me?

balls:  Holy shit!  It’s still here!

As they pass the store, it is deafeningly loud.

tWBS:  How the fuck would anyone go in there to actually buy something?

balls:  Maybe the speakers are on the outside and once you get inside, the walls are sound-proofed so the music only plays to the outside?

tWBS:  It doesn’t seem like a solid business plan to me.

balls:  Yet they are still here.

They both look at each other.

tWBS:  Of course!

balls:  You can re-stock there, I bet.

tWBS:  I’m sure.

Dave continues along the strip past the University of Sonora towards the big curve that takes the road towards the east.  The scenery is beautiful.

tWBS:  Um, how long can we stay here?

balls:  Let’s get to the hotel first and we’ll go from there.

Not long after the curve, tWBS pulls Dave into the parking lot and balls walks towards the main office.  He returns in five minutes with an old-school key.

balls:  Dude, check out this key!

tWBS: What’s with the word “HEART” on it?

balls:  SHE told me to come here, remember?  We are definitely on the right track.

They approach the Santa Rosalía suite.

tWBS:  Dude, this place is crazy old school.  Those doors looks ancient.

balls:  Yeah.  I wonder what the inside looks like.

tWBS:  Hey, before we go in.  What about we go to the music store and “stock up”?

balls:  Are you seriously doing air quotes?

tWBS:  Shut up.  Whaddaya say?

balls: Sure, why not.

The duo get back into Dave and head back to the store.  As they suspected, they were able to find “stuff” on sale.  tWBS stocked up.  Big time.

balls:  Dude, are you planning on smuggling this in your ass across the border?

tWBS: No. Maybe.  I don’t know.

balls:  I mean, we now know anything will fit in there, but that’s a LOT to take across.

tWBS:  Well, I’m going to use some now!

balls:  Ok, let’s get back to the hotel.

As they pull into the hotel parking lot, tWBS looks in the black plastic bag they gave him.

tWBS:  Hey look!  They gave us stickers!

balls:  What?  Those aren’t sti…

tWBS playfully sticks a sticker on balls’ head.

balls:  You idiot!!   You just dosed me, asshole!

tWBS:  What?  (sticks the sticker on himself)

balls:  We need to get into the room quick!

balls quickly finds the key and opens the door.  Instead of walking into a regular hotel room and suite, they have opened the door to a time portal of infinite dimensions.

balls:  Goddammit tWBS!!!

Suddenly, they are swallowed up by the room and the door shuts behind them.

The duo wake up at 12:02 AM.

balls:  I am going to fucking kill you.

tWBS:  Whooops?

balls:  I better not have any permanent brain damage from this.

tWBS:  Any more than you already have?

balls:  Fuck you.

balls walks towards the bathroom to wash his face and drink some water.  On the bathroom mirror, he sees this posted:

Again, in red lipstick, the word “NOW!” is scrawled.

balls:  tWBS, get your ass in here and let me know I’m not imagining this!

tWBS:  What do you want?

balls (pointing to the flier): Can you see that?

tWBS:  The mirror?  Of course I see it.  Wow, I look pretty good for just having tripped balls…sorry, no pun intended.

balls:  Fuck you…and I’m not talking about the mirror.  I’m talking about what’s taped to the mirror.

tWBS:  Dude…there’s nothing taped to that mirror.

balls looks to the mirror again, then back to tWBS.

balls:  Are you fucking with me right now?

tWBS (suppressing laughter):  Fuck yes…of course I am you high fucker.

balls:  Oh thank Christ!  You can see it too?

tWBS:  Of course I can ya dumbass!!!

balls:  Well, that’s our next stop.  Let’s get some sleep so we can get on the road in the morning.

tWBS:  Wait a sec…..Am I reading my Mexican correctly?  Didn’t this event already happen?

balls:  You know, I can’t even right now.  It doesn’t matter.  It’s the place that matters.

tWBS:  Ok, fine.  Listen, I know you said that we should get some sleep, but I’m actually feeling pretty rested.  That acid trip was kinda relaxing.

balls:  You clearly were on a different trip than I was.

tWBS: Maybe.  Anyway, I’m kinda hungry too.  Let’s go out!

balls:  At midnight on a Monday night in Hermosillo?  Where?!?

tWBS:  I know a place…

The duo get into Dave and tWBS drives off onto a side street off the main strip.  After a bit, they arrive at their destination.

balls:  What the FUCK?

tWBS:  They’ve got an awesome beer selection, amazing pizzas, there’s probably a live band on right now, and they’re open until 2.  And then they “reopen” at 4.  You know what that means.

balls:   I can’t believe you’re doing air quotes, but if this place is as good as you say it is, I will stop giving you shit.

They enter, order some beers and a pizza to share.  The crowd is watching a band perform on stage a cover of Garbage’s #1 Crush

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PX7LLua5NCM

There is also a group of lovely college ladies sitting at a table.

The band starts playing “Push It”.

As the song starts, they get up to dance.

balls:  Dude, you hit the motherfucking jackpot!

tWBS: You are quite welcome.  Now, stand back.  This is my jam.

tWBS heads toward the dance floor where the girls are dancing.  balls sits back and watches him join them.  Somehow, in his broken spanish, he is getting them to smile.  The beers arrive and balls sits back and enjoys the scene.

After a bit, the band shifts into “Queer”

The pizza then arrives.  As balls turns around to signal to tWBS that the food is here, he notices that tWBS is busy making out with one of the girls.

balls:  Fucking hell, good on ya tWBS! (raises beer in salute and takes a sip)  At least the beer is good.  (takes a bite of pizza)  And the pizza too.

One of the girl’s friends sees balls all alone and walks over.

Girl: ¿Tú eres el amigo de él? (points to tWBS)

balls:  Sí.  ¿Está todo bien?

Girl:  Sí, todo bien, pero mi amiga va a quedarse con el.  Yo ya me voy a mi casa.  Me pidieron que te diera un aventón a tu hotel.

balls:  ¿Eso va pa largo?

Girl:  Creo que si.

balls:  Ok, vámonos.

Girl:  Lástima que tengo novio.  Estás guapito.

balls (laughing):  ¿Um, gracias?

The girl drops balls off at the hotel and drives home.  balls gets into bed and falls asleep fairly quickly.  At six in the morning, balls is awakened by a knock on the door.

tWBS:  WOOOOOO!  UP AND AT ‘EM!  Gotta get to Nogales, bitch!

balls is not amused….

tWBS:  Holy shit, you still high from last night?

balls (yawning):  Interestingly enough, I was about to ask you the same question.  Why….and also how….are you so chipper?

tWBS:  High on life baby!  And the high you get from having sex with a college gal. Giggity!

balls:  Ok, let me shower and we’ll get going.  I’ll drive.  You must be exhausted!

tWBS:  I’m actually good, but yeah, it’s probably better you drive.  But we can’t actually leave yet.  We have to go here first.

balls:  What do you mean?

tWBS:  Trust me.

balls:  One, no.  Two….no.

tWBS:  Just get a shower and hurry up.  We’re late.

balls:  Late for what?

tWBS:  I’ll tell ya on the way.

balls showers quickly and the two are in Dave within 20 minutes.  As balls makes the turn to head to the Mercado, he asks again.

balls:  Sooooo….what are we doing?

tWBS:  First, I apologize for what you’re about to see.

balls:  OK, you’re kinda scaring me now.  Do I want to ask?

tWBS:  I know I come across as the happy go lucky dumb redneck.  But there was a time when….

tWBS trails off and stops talking.

balls:  A time when….what?

tWBS:  Let’s say it this way….No siempre he sido el tipo feliz y agradable que usted ve ante usted.

balls:  OK, now you’re really scaring me.

tWBS:  No need to be worried.  Just be aware that you’re about to see a side of me which…well, it might change your opinion of me.

balls:  Meh, it wasn’t that great to begin with.

tWBS:  Very fucking funny.  Now, remember that key?

balls:  The heart key?  What about it?

tWBS (serious and somewhat menacing):  I know you didn’t give it back when we checked out.  I know you still have it.  Give it to me.  That wasn’t a question, btw.  I know you still have it.  Gimme.  NOW.

balls pulls Dave into a spot not far from the entrance.  He reaches into his paper luggage and pulls out the key and hands it to tWBS.  tWBS gets out and begins walking towards the entrance, then turns back….

tWBS:  You coming or not?  You’ll love this place…trust me.

As the two walk in, tWBS greets everyone in sight!!!!

tWBS:  Hola a todos. Mucho tiempo sin verlos. ¿Cómo está la carne hoy?

balls (whispering to tWBS):  I thought you didn’t know Mexican…I mean Spanish….fuck.

tWBS:  I remember enough to not get killed.  So far, at least.

balls:  What’s that supposed to mean?

tWBS:  Heh, I probably should have told you more about my days in Mexico.  You know, before we actually crossed the border and all.

balls:  I refer you back to my previous question….WTF is that supposed to mean?

tWBS: Don’t worry about it.

balls:  Ah yes, it does suck hearing that…I get it now.

tWBS:  Just relax and act natural.  We’re looking for a guy who….ah there he is.  Wait here.  Don’t talk to anybody.

As tWBS moves off to one of the raw bars to speak with a really mean looking guy, a small elderly woman approaches balls and asks….

Little Old Woman:  ¿Es amigo suyo?

balls:  Aún no lo he decidido. ¿Porqué?

Little Old Woman:  Deberías irte ahora. Rápido.

balls:  Wait, why do I need to…..

Suddenly there’s a very loud disturbance at the raw bar where tWBS has walked to.

Big Angry Man: ¿Cómo te atreves a mostrar tu cara aquí, gringo? Te dije que si alguna vez regresabas aquí …

balls (nervous):  Dude???  Maybe we should just go???

tWBS (to balls):  No.  Trust me.

tWBS stares into the eyes of the Big Angry Man for a moment and says…..

tWBS (to Big Angry Man) ¿De verdad crees que hubiera venido si no lo tuviera?

Big Angry Man: Creo que mientes, gringo. Deberías irte ahora.

tWBS:  I really am not concerned with what you think.  But know that I have it.  If you want it….you know the price.

tWBS flashes the heart key which balls handed over before, so the big angry man can see it, but no one else.  After a moment he says….

tWBS:  No me obligues a matarte, Luis.

Then he turns and begins to walk away….

tWBS (to balls):  Let’s go.  I should have known he’d still act this way.  Cheat a guy out of 5 kilos of uncut flake and they never forget it.

balls:  Wait…WHAT??????  WTF is “flake”???  And did you just threaten to kill that guy???

tWBS:  That’s cute.  You’re cute.  And define “threaten”.  Look, just walk out.  Don’t make eye contact with anyone.  This was a mistake I guess.

–

As the two approach Dave, tWBS speaks again.  He is obviously not happy.

tWBS:  Gimme the Dave keys.

balls:  You really shouldn’t drive.  You had a long night and also all the drugs and….

tWBS:  Gimme the Dave keys.

balls:  No.

tWBS:  So help me God, if you don’t gimme those keys…

Big Angry Man (peeking around the corner of the rear entrance):  Hey, gringo. Diez minutos … ya sabes dónde.

tWBS (to balls):  Fine, keep the keys.  Just drive where I tell you.

balls:  Not 100% sure I’m on board with that plan either.

tWBS:  If you want to find HER, you better get on board, Sunshine.

–

Eight minutes and 31 seconds later….

tWBS:  Turn left here.  Then take the 2nd right.  Pull into that dirt lot over there and keep the engine running.

balls:  I was really hoping you wouldn’t say that.

tWBS:  Inorite???

The two sit in the dirt lot across the street from Barra Hidalgo

After about another minute, a red pickup truck pulls up.  Luis gets out and enters the bar.

tWBS:  OK, wait here.

balls:  Gladly.  Are you sure you want to go in there?  You do realize this has become a magnet for tourists and millennials and hipsters?

tWBS:  Yes, I do.  Trust me, this won’t be my first time in there.  If I’m not out in five minutes, pull around to the back.  And again, keep the engine running.

balls:  Fine, but just please stop saying that.

tWBS gets out and enters the bar.  After five minutes, nervous balls does as he’s told and pulls Dave around back.  Another few minutes passes and tWBS exits the back door (giggity).  He is smiling and Luis is walking with him and also smiling.  The two hug it out and tWBS walks…very quickly…to where balls is waiting with Dave.

[Door Flies Open]

tWBS:  Drive.

balls:  He looked pretty happy.  You must have….

tWBS:  Drive.  Now.  Fast.

balls:  Ok, but….

A shotgun blast blows out the back window of Dave.

balls:  Dude???  WTF????

tWBS:  So, you ready to drive yet, or is Dave gonna take even more buckshot?

balls hits the gas and peels out of the rear lot.

tWBS:  Head for la 15, and don’t look back.  Fuck, Dave, I’m sorry.

balls:  We’re going to talk about this later.

tWBS:  Some of it.  Yes.

balls guides Dave quickly and skillfully, in spite of a 2nd shotgun blast.  He hits the exit and the duo heads north on la 15.

balls:  Sooooo…?  Where are we going?

tWBS:  Nogales.  You already knew that.  Are you still high?

balls:  No I just thought….wait….if we’re still going to Nogales, then what was all that about back there?  I thought you had a new clue!!!!

tWBS:  I did.  Well, sort of.  Let’s call it more of a gift.  For you.

balls:  I have no idea what that means.

tWBS:  OK.  For years, Luis’ boss Pablo….

balls:  Pablo?????

tWBS:  No relation.  Anyway, he’s been looking for, what he calls, the “La llave del corazón de su madre.”

balls:  And you just….

tWBS:  Ripped him off again.  Yes.

balls:  And you were planning on telling me this, when?

tWBS:  Need to know basis.  Until the shotgun went off, you didn’t need to know.

balls:  Ok, whatever.  So what, may I ask, was so important that you decided to piss off the Cartel for a 2nd time just because of a key.

tWBS holds up a small folded sheet of paper.

balls:  What’s that?

tWBS:  It’s your gift.  Now just keep driving.  For now, just stay on la 15.  We’ve got a few hours to drive and we’re on a schedule now.

balls:  A schedule?

tWBS:  Need to know basis.  But trust me, you’ll like it.

balls:  You know, it’s too bad we don’t have enough time. If we took the fork to the right, I could show you where we lived.

tWBS:  Eh, another time.

balls turns the radio on.  This song comes on

tWBS:  That better not be prophetic.

balls:  No shit.

To Be Continued…