“It’s All Gone Wrong, Pete & John” – The Seahawks Try To Bolster Their Lines (Part 5)


Ext. Two men sit on the sills of their car, taking in the Utah view and contemplating the directions their lives are going in.

John Schneider: Pete?

Pete Carroll: Yes, John?

JS: How many more places do we have to visit?

PC: Just this one, John. The draft is next week, so I just want to hit Salt Lake before we push on home.

JS: Thank god.

PC: C’mon John, it’s been fun. Just you & me driving across this great land…

JS: You mean me driving…

PC:(ignoring the remark)…taking in the sights. Like Wall Drug. My God – that’s how you advertise.



JS: Pete. The place was a shithole. All those signs were just lures to sucker people in. Like a vortex of sadness and tchotchkes.


PC: Chachi’s?

JS: No! Tchotchkes!


JS: For fuck’s sake – “trinkets” & junk. Touristy shit!

PC: Dammit, Tom must have taught you those words! Remind me to fine him a dollar when we get home.

JS: (muttering to himself) I might have to replace Tom when I get home.

PC: We’ve seen sights that really make you think about what life really means.

JS: Pete, I hardly think staring out the window at the nothingness qualifies as life-changing.

PC: Well, those few hours at Devil’s Tower sure opened my mind to what lies beyond.

JS: You only made me stop there because you fell asleep watching “Close Encounters” back in that Pierre Motel 6.

PC: Nonsense. I was following up on “Project Blue Book”, which the government buried along with the Kennedy assassination, the mole people, and the real 9/11 report.

JS: Jesus, Pete, the movie was a Spielberg fever dream. It wasn’t even a prior magazine article, much less a novel.

PC: Well, then what about those aliens at Mount Rushmore the day before?

JS: Those were tourists, Pete.

PC: That’s what the government wants you to think, John.

JS: (frustrated) Look, let’s just head into town and meet up with Coach Whittingham. We’ll have a nice chat, go meet the player, and then get the hell home. Okay?

PC: Okay.

Ext. John Schneider & Pete Carroll drive into the Utah campus, heading for Rice-Eccles Stadium.

PC: Boy, howdy, this sure is a pretty campus. I wish it had been part of the Pac-10 when I was at ‘SC.

JS: Oh Pete, the Zion Curtain in the restaurants would have driven you up a wall. You would have thought they were poisoning your drinks.


PC: Don’t be silly, John. There’s no Jews in Utah. Now, if you want to talk conspiracies,…

JS: Uhh… (thinks better of it) Anyway, we’re here.

PC: Good. Let’s get this over with. The guy gives me the creeps. (gets out of car)

JS: I don’t know why. (gets out of car) He’s just like you – affable yet intense; cares deeply about his players…

PC: I can’t put my finger on it. (opens stadium office door) It’s just a feeling.

A receptionist sits at a desk.

Receptionist: Good afternoon gentlemen. May I help you?

JS: Thank you.

John Schneider & Pete Carroll to see Coach Whittingham.

Rec.: *gasps* Oh my. (gathers breath) Yes sir, I’ll page him for you.

JS: Why, thank you kindly, miss.


Kyle Whittingham: Gentlemen, how are you?




JS: Oh, I see it now, Pete.

PC: Right? So, let’s go find the kid & then get out of here.

John Schneider drives the two of them half way across town to the address they have on file for their target.

JS: Okay Pete, I think this is the place.

PC: Right. (hops out window) Let’s hope the kid is home.

Pete Carroll knocks on door.

Garett Bolles: Hello?

PC: Howdy, son. Pete Carroll of the Seattle Seahawks. My colleague over there in the car…

…is GM John Schneider.

GB: That’s nice; my mom will be home later. What brings you by, sir?

PC: Well son, we are meeting with all our potential first-round choices, and we’re proud to say you’re one of them.

GB: Well, that’s a great honour, sir. Now, what would you like to know?

Both men sit down on the porch. John Schneider stays in the car.

PC: First off, you’re a little older than most juniors. How come?

GB: Because I made some mistakes sir. Just like Michael Oher, I had a rough upbringing, and was taken in by a supportive family. His story means a lot to me; it’s why I wear #74. Coach, if I may be blunt…

PC: Please.

GB: I sorted my shit out, got right with the Lord, and took a mission with the Church. When I got back to Salt Lake, I went to junior college, started playing football again, and then transferred into Utah. I’ve learned how to focus my energies. I’m not that troubled kid anymore.

JS: (from the car) Sounds like he’s got a mouth on him. Should be perfect for Cable!

PC: (ignoring Schneider) That sounds great, Garett. “¿Hablas español?”

GB: No sir – they sent me to Colorado Springs.

PC: Oh; okay – “¿Do you Hablas español?”

Garett stares off into the distance; John Schneider fidgets in the driver’s seat.

PC: (recovering awkwardly) Disirregardless, why’d you leave before your senior year?

GB: Well, sir, I feel I’m ready to make the transition to the pro game. I’ve got three years playing left tackle under my belt, I was a JuCo All-American, and I was All Pac-12 this year. Plus, I have a family to support now.

PC: Makes sense. Well son, that’s all I have. John?

JS: (yells from the car) Kid, what’s the dirtiest word you know?

GB: Sir?

JS: You know, the swears.

GB: I’d prefer not to sir. It violates my covenant with the Lord.

JS: (gets out of car; walks up to Bolles) Son, if we draft you, your coach is going to be Tom Cable,

a man with the devil’s tongue and a blacker heart. He’s going to yell things at you that will shrivel your dead grandpa’s dick. You’re going to need to fire back when – not if – he comes at you. So, I ask again, what’s the worst word you know?

GB: Uhh…fucker? Sorry, sir, I just can’t. That was my old life.

JS: (frustrated) Boy – he’ll eat you alive. Put some salt on that tongue. Christ, I might have to pay him a dollar to teach you how to swear.

GB: …umm…okay?

JS: (turns back; stomps away) C’mon Carroll, we’re outta here. (hops in window; fires up car)

PC: …well, again, thank you for your time, Garett. We’ll give you a call closer to draft day when we have our plans firmed up. (runs down steps; hops in passenger window)

JS: Next stop – Seattle! Daddy misses the home cooking! (car squeals away)

Garett Bolles stares into the distance, a quizzical look slowly melting off his face.

“Man”, he thinks to himself, “I should have taken that mission to Chile.”


To Be Continued…

A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
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[…] Broncos have a ton of quality receivers, a rebuilt offensive line – including DFO-previewed #1 pick Garett Bolles – and a strong defence that still includes noted chicken aficionado Von […]

Horatio Cornblower

Bolles is going to the Giants, according to this guy I know. Who wrote a revised mock draft. And is a moron.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I have enjoyed this immensely. I never encountered the Zion curtain in my travels through SLC. Guess I am not hip enough for the clubs there.

That being said Polygamy Porter by Wasatch Brewing is the fucking best. I am willing to drive to Montana to get it.


Goddamn this image makes me happy:
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And you guys call me “weird”????

(j/k Rob…loved it…but I need to throw you to the wolves now to save myself…it’s not personal)

Bloody Lethal
Bloody Lethal

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I called you that as an accurate assessment……. a label several of us should wear as a badge of honor…… but yeah, this is fucking WEIRD.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

So I liked it.


Audition headshot for season 2 of Attack on Titan.

(Seriously, though. The resemblance is uncanny.)
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Marshawn to OAK is a done deal.


Bolles is to teeth as Cromartey is to ovaries


That last pic of Bolles makes me think he should have done a mission in Papua New Guinea, he looks like he would fit in with the cannibals.


What is the fucking deal with where [dfocontent] goes in the offseason???


Unlike football players, we need more drugs to make it through the offseason.