2017 Totally Non-Stabby (probably) Baltimore Ravens Preview

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Pop Quiz:  Do you know who that is in that banner image?  Yeah, no one else does either.

I had already begun mentally writing this preview, expecting the Ravens to make the smart move and sign Colin Kaepernick.  I mean, we don’t have a problem with stabbings in Baltimore, so why would we be concerned over a guy taking a knee to express something he believes in?

Yeah, that was stupid of me.  And so this “preview” is going a different way now.

Ozzie Newsome, I once admired you, sort of.  But FFS dude, you’re the GM.

Do not ever again poll the fanbase to gauge their approval of any personnel move ever again.  That’s what got you into a hole by giving Vanilla Boy a contract twice as big as he ever earned.



Fans are stupid.  Yes I include myself in that number.  But Ozzie….YOU have no excuse, you’re supposed to know what you’re doing.  And when you decide to listen to stupid shit like what this Niners fan thinks she thinks….

Hey dumb Niners girl, I know you’re a Niners fan, which explains a lot in and of itself so I don’t expect critical reasoning skills from your ilk.  But still, have YOU thanked a “Vet” for your right to hold up that sign?  I suspect not.  If I could ask you that question in person I’d expect the deer in the headlights look I get from everyone else in the Bay Area when I’ve ever asked them to actually stop and think for a second.


But more importantly, have you stopped for one second to consider Kaepernick’s side of it?  No, you haven’t.  Of that much I’m certain.  Because you’re too wrapped up in what other people have told you you should believe.  Learn to think for yourself, fuckwit.  No wonder Oakland looks at you idiots like…..

Kaep wasn’t disrespecting the flag, he was making a statement, passively, non-violently, about something in which he believed.  If anything, he HONORED the flag by peacefully exercising his rights.  Whether you agree with his opinion or not is not the issue.  That’s what your kind is too dense to understand.

THAT’S what “VETS” fought for, his RIGHT to do EXACTLY THAT.

As well as your right to express YOUR uninformed and poorly thought out opinion.  And also your right to publicly make grammatical errors.  No need for quotes  around Vets, and the question mark should go at the end of the sentence.  Unless there’s supposed to be two sentences there….in which case the second one is not a complete sentence and….


/deep breath

But kudos.  Everyone has a constitutional right to be a dumbass.  And most folks exercise it daily.  So good for them too, I guess.  But all of this kneejerk Kaepernick hate by everyone who just follows the crowd just made my football team worse.  Thanks sheeple.

Because now, who did they sign instead?

Dude hasn’t taken a snap in a real game since before I last got laid.  Holy shit that’s been a long damned time.

/deep breath

But, to be fair, it does sound like he was at least serviceable in his first practice.  Then again, coaches lie about things to the press.  And the press lies about things too.  Or more correctly, the press isn’t smart enough to know better….

“Before long, he was leading the third-team offense,” wrote The Baltimore Sun’s Jeff Zrebiec. “On his best throw of the day, he rolled to his right and hit undrafted rookie wide receiver C.J. Board in stride down the middle of the field.”

“Almost a year removed from sustaining a torn ACL that wiped out his 2016 season, [Lewis] moved well in his debut with the Ravens as their newest quarterback,” added The Sun’s Edward Lee


Consider Ravens Offensive Coordinator Marty Mornhinweg impressed with Lewis’ debut.

“Man alive, it looks like he’s fully recovered from the knee,” Mornhinweg said. “He’s got a big arm. He looks like he’s really accurate. You could tell that he’s got some experience under his belt. Really smart young man as well, and then he’s got some moving ability.


I do hope I’m wrong about Lewis (I’m not).  But considering he couldn’t beat out Ryan Mallet in Houston, how the hell does anyone think he’s gonna be of any use in Baltimore?

And don’t get me started on Ryan Mallet.

Or Flacco.

Now, onto our regularly scheduled terrible Ravens preview (worry not, this is already getting too long, so it’s been abbreviated) which was already in progress when the Ravens’ front office pulled this brain cramp.

Right after this….

Because definitely don’t get me started on that human piece of shit Ray Lewis trying to preach/condescend to Kaepernick on how he should behave.  In a fair world, Kaep should show up at Lewis’ house, stab the fuck out of him, do some bullshit chicken dance and say “Sorry, it was God’s will…How ya like me now, bitch?”

/deep breath

When a fanbase, even from my home city, can overlook a guy who so totally was AT LEAST COMPLICIT in the death of another human being;  or another guy who beat the shit out of his girl;  orrr……..

Yet they don’t want a guy who legally, non-violently… and IMHO courageously …exercises his constitutional rights to freedom of expression?  Well, go fuck yourselves, Baltimore.  Go fuck yourselves with a rusty pipe sans lube.  I guaran-fucking-tee you that some of these mental misfit fans who weighed in against signing Kaep, still have a Ray Lewis or Ray Rice jersey hanging in their closets.  Most probably have both.  Fucking hypocrites.

/deep breath

But even though I was hoping the Ravens would grow a pair and sign Kaep for several reasons (including the social statement type thing)….. it’s not just Baltimore, sadly.

But hang in there, Kaep.  I never much liked you as a player, if I’m being honest.  But you’re getting screwed over here and it truly sucks.  Maybe consider punching your girlfriend in an elevator and then the Ravens or some other piece of shit organization will be fine signing you.


(also, please don’t punch anyone in an elevator or anywhere else)

OK, let’s deal with some stuff.  First up, Fansided.com can go eat the whole bag.  Their links pop up on every search I do these days, and all the “material” they publish is….well….not good.

For example….

Last year the Ravens defense was among the best in the NFL and at one stage was the number one ranked defense.

At one stage, so was the Niners’ D when they didn’t give up a six on the first play from scrimmage.  Fuckwit.

There remains a little hole on the defensive line but there are a number of young lineman who are expected to make the leap to becoming starters.

Dude, there are no “little holes” on a defensive line.  And expecting a “number” of “young” lineman to make a “leap”….well, that’s tantamount to saying we’re screwed.  Which is accurate.

With all of this considered, it is hard to think the Ravens won’t take at least a small step forward on defense

Jeebus, dude.  Way to commit.  Also, you’re wrong.

Just go back down to the basement and play World of Warcraft, and later masturbate furiously.  Mom will bring the meatloaf down soon.



If the Ravens can live up to some of these bold predictions, they will have a very successful 2017 season.


And if my Aunt had a penis she’d be my uncle.

It’s no wonder everyone thinks Baltimore is full of mentally deranged idiots.  It is.

OK, so we’re done with the defense.  And Fansided.com.  Dipshits.


There have already been multiple key positions/depth lost due to injury in the preseason.  That was two weeks ago.

Even before that, they were gonna suck anyway….again.


Flacco (injured, sucks anyway)

Mallet (sucks, should be injured)

Lewis (??????)

When that’s your depth at QB, does it really matter?  I mean, I find it amusing that folks are talking about the receiving corp as being a problem.  But how the heck are you gonna know that when your QBs, even when healthy, couldn’t combine to hit water from a boat 50% of the time.  But sure, let’s talk about the offense, which the Ravens have always been known for, right? (smgdh)

(aka, what were you thinking, Jeremy Maclin????)

2. Mornhinweg has been trusted with revitalizing the offense

Since the start of 2011 when Cam Cameron was directing Joe Flacco as Ravens offensive coordinator, the team has cycled through five play-callers. This year it’s Marty Mornhinweg’s turn, as he took over for fired Marc Trestman last season. The Ravens have had a top-10 offense in three of those years and were at least in the top half in another two, but they have had trouble scoring points in the recent stretch of seasons without a playoff berth. The Ravens averaged 22.6 points a game after Mornhinweg took over play-calling after the fifth game last season, and at three previous stops where he began a season as a new offensive coordinator, Mornhingweg has gotten results. With the San Francisco 49ers, the offense went from fourth to second in 1997. With the Philadelphia Eagles, it went from 23rd to fifth in 2006. And with the New York Jets, it went from 23rd to 21st in 2013.

3. The receiving corps is in flux

With the retirement of Steve Smith Sr. and the departure of Kamar Aiken to the Indianapolis Colts, the Ravens return just two wide receivers who caught double-figure passes for the team in 2016: Mike Wallace (72) and Breshad Perriman (33). But they made a late addition in Jeremy Maclin, who was released by the Kansas City Chiefs after the draft. Quarterback Joe Flacco will be counting on Perriman to make a huge leap forward. Dennis Pitta, who had a career-best 86 catches last year, was released in June after re-dislocating his hip during organized team acitivies.

That was written BEFORE Flacco went down.  Before the Ravens chose to sign Thad Lewis rather than Kaepernick.  Hint….neither Mallet nor Lewis are worth a damn from the pocket, and neither is as mobile as Kaepernick, either.  So things just went south on offense in the passing game from the jump, just because the GM decided to listen to the fans.

What about the running game?

But Ravens owner Steve Bisciotti and coach John Harbaugh insisted in the offseason that the team would prioritize fixing the rushing woes, and Greg Roman, the senior offensive assistant charged with reviving the run offense, repeated that stance Tuesday — with a caveat.

OK, OK….now get ready to laugh…no shit.  Roman is the TE coach, yet he’s the assistant charged with revitalizing a running game WHICH NEVER EXISTED TO BEGIN WITH.

How hilarious is that???

Whether the offense commits to that type of philosophy is another story. Since 2014, the team has handed the ball off to a running back 25 times only once (Justin Forsett on Oct. 1, 2015) and — under offensive coordinator Marty Mornhinweg — set a franchise record low of 367 rushing attempts last season, which snapped the previous low mark of 383 set in 2015.

Not coincidentally, the running offense produced the second- and third-worst rush-yard averages in team history in 2016 and 2015, respectively. The unit last enjoyed an average over 100 yards in 2014 when Gary Kubiak was the offensive coordinator.


“I think that’s going to come down to really Marty and John, and every game’s different,” Roman said. “I think there’ll be some games when that definitely happens. You just don’t know how it’s going to unfold. But we want to be able to run it when we want to run it, when we need to run it. So there’s definitely a commitment to running the football here.”

Wow, way to commit.  When he gets fired he can probably write for Fansided.com.

OK, there’s no real point to continue.  This is the bottom line….

The Ratbirds were already gonna suck fairly badly.  Between injuries, bad decisions with personnel and shitty coaching…..well, you see where I’m going.  The defense, which has carried this organization for its entire existence, was already considerably worse and is now even worserer from injuries.  The offense has always sucked, and is now even worserer from injuries.  When Elite Vanilla Boy finally returns?  Not a big upgrade over Mallet or probably even Lewis, so it doesn’t matter.

Ownership and management has become dysfunctional.  This is probably going to be a bad team for years to come.

I hope if Kaep doesn’t get signed by someone, as he should, that he sits at home and goes all Elvis on his TV as the Ravens’ 2017 season goes straight into the toilet.

Here’s a list of the teams the Ravens will lose to this year…..errrrrrr, the schedule.

Date Opponent Time/Result Tickets
Sep 10 @Cincinnati 1:00 PM
Sep 17 Cleveland 1:00 PM
Sep 24 @Jacksonville 9:30 AM
Oct 1 Pittsburgh 1:00 PM
Oct 8 @Oakland 4:05 PM
Oct 15 Chicago 1:00 PM
Oct 22 @Minnesota 1:00 PM
Oct 26 Miami 8:25 PM
Nov 5 @Tennessee 12:00 PM
Week 10 BYE
Nov 19 @Green Bay 12:00 PM
Nov 27 Houston 7:30 PM
Dec 3 Detroit 12:00 PM
Dec 10 @Pittsburgh 7:30 PM
Dec 17 @Cleveland 12:00 PM
Dec 23 Indianapolis 3:30 PM
Dec 31 Cincinnati 12:00 PM

If they win 6 games, I’ll shit myself.

If they make the playoffs, I’ll shit on you (whether you want me to or not).

But here’s some cheerleaders anyway….

(at least there’s something worth watching in M&T Bank Stadium)


tl;dr :  The Ravens are gonna suck, fuck ’em, but yay cheerleaders.

Obligatory for JJFozz:  Fuck the Irsays, their progeny and all of their pets.

Bonus:  My mention of Elvis (no not Dumervil FFS!!!!) above, was not coincidental exactly.  My messed up brain holds onto dates.  Often I don’t even know why.  Sometimes it’s useful….usually it is not.  But when I saw August 16th on my calendar, Elvis popped into my head and I didn’t realize why until after the fact.

He died on the toilet 40 years ago today, high as shit.

I hope I go the same exact way.

An unapologetic, even if often manic-depressive (it's a requirement given his choices of sports teams), fan of NC State University, the Baltimore Ravens and the Baltimore Orioles. When not parked in front of the computer and/or TV, can often be found on the golf course shouting obscenities to no one in particular.
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Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

I know Thad Lewis, but only because he challenges my expectation of what someone named Thad looks like:

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Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook


Love the hate flowing throughout this piece

Doktor Zymm

Gosh darn, Imma gonna miss Bearistocrats @ Ratbirds on the teevee, cause I’ll be too busy drinking Krug and eating lobster on an airplane.


Life is tough eh Zymm?


The NFL truly is a microcosm of the U.S., and especially of everything fucked up about this country.

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Thanks for the Elvis tribute. He was a hell of a singer and a role model for all us fat drunk guys.

Also, crab cakes are still delicious, so the Ravens are at least better than, say, Jacksonville or Detroit.


“If my aunt had a penis she would be my uncle”

Gold. Pure gold.


Good point.


I seriously do not get the hate that Flacco gets from Ravens fans. Its on par with me not understanding why Kap doesn’t have at least a backup job.

The Ravens’ history of starting QB’s is a dumpster fire. Vinnie Testeverde owns most of the records before Flacco showed up. The dude is pretty damn clutch in the playoffs.

Does no one remember the first Superbowl run where the fucking Ravens’ defense had to do the majority of the scoring for weeks at a time?!?

Is he a top five QB? No. Is the best out of his draft class in terms of on field success? Fuck yeah.

First rookie quarterback to win two playoff games
Most wins by a quarterback in first six seasons: 62 (regular season only)
Most wins by a quarterback in first seven seasons: 72 (regular season only)
Second-most combined regular and postseason wins in first three years as a quarterback: 36 (tied with Dan Marino)
First quarterback to start and win a playoff game in each of his first five seasons(Russell Wilson tied record) Most touchdowns in a postseason: 11 (tied with Joe Montana and Kurt Warner)
Most touchdowns without an interception in a postseason: 11 (tied with Joe Montana)
First quarterback to have a passer rating over 100 in all four games of a single postseason
Most consecutive playoff games with at least two passing touchdowns: 8
Most consecutive playoff games with at least three passing touchdowns: 3 (tied with Bernie Kosar, Kurt Warner, and Aaron Rodgers)
Most consecutive road playoff games with at least one passing touchdown: 7 (tied with Donovan McNabb and Brett Favre)
Most consecutive road playoff games with at least two passing touchdowns: 5
Fastest quarterback to record five touchdowns in a game: 16:03
Most road playoff wins for a quarterback: 7 (tied with Eli Manning)

Fucking fans are the biggest collection of idiots.

Senor Weaselo

…So you’re saying Thad Lewis isn’t ELITE, then?
/I keed, I keed


2 games is their longest home stint?

I can’t tell if this is great scheduling or terrible scheduling.

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Enrico Pallazzo

During the first preseason game, will-never-coach-again Brian Billick mouth-queefed:

“Ryan Mallet has eye-popping talent!”


As opposed to Aqib Talib, who has eye-poking talent.

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BAL Fans (re: 2017 season): “Get on with it then!”

The NFL:

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