As many of you know, I like to complain. The weather, sports, politics, nothing ever seems to be good enough for Brocky. Naturally this extends to fantasy football, the thing that is supposed to distract me from those things. Such misfortune can’t possibly be the result of my own ineptitude, therefore it can only happen due to divine intervention. That’s right, I’m blaming my fantasy woes on God, and I’m posting every Tuesday how the big man upstairs did me wrong, this will feature as little embellishment as possible.
The Scene: heaven
God gazes intently at the Earth. The majestic landscape is his creation, his life’s work. He snaps his fingers, instantly taking affect.
God chuckles as some poor schmuck playing mini golf misses an attempted putt. He had miraculously been able to take out a girl way out of his league. Despite his social ineptitude, and her clear discomfort, he had idiotically bet $100 vs a second date. She runs walks off, clearly pleased with the sequence of events.
God: “I do so love Friday the 13th, give me so many chances to f̶u̶c̶k̶ intervene with so much on earth. Why I think I ‘ll extend it all weekend! Hit the Music!”
This is totally what god listens to
SNAP! Some poor guy breaks his key while trying to get into his apartment
SNAP! Matt Ryan throws for a paltry 248 yards
SNAP! A woman breaks the heel off her shoe on the way to a job interview
SNAP! Julio Jones once again under performs
SNAP! The poor guy just wanted some potato chips
SNAP! Previously reliable Andre Ellington gets no carries nor any catches
SNAP! A child accidentally impales their Capri-Sun with a straw at lunch time
SNAP! Matt Forte has his highest score of the season while on Brocky’s bench
SNAP! The pop tab on a Dr. Pepper breaks off without actually opening the can
SNAP! Kenny Stills has his highest score of the season, while on Brocky’s Bench
SNAP! NO BROWNIES?!?!?!?!?
SNAP! The Raven’s Defense/ST Gets 2 scores while on BROCKY’S FUCKING BENCH
SNAP! Your little sister gets kidnapped on your tenth birthday, and you have to go on an annoying quest to save her
SNAP! The Bronco’s defense doesn’t force a single turnover against the previously winless giants!
SNAP! You find out the dark lord of the sith is actually your father!
SNAP! Brocky falls to 3 and 3 in his money league!
SNAP! Lindsay Lohan!
SNAP! Brocky’s Defeats Seamus in the DFO league! But its bittersweet as Brocky put’s almost no effort into that league! Plus, you know, Seamus likes to complain a lot too
SNAP! Brocky Stubs his toe. HARD
SNAP! Jesus’s attempts to intervene are thwarted when the elevators in heaven inexplicably stop working.
For an entire week.
He’s been stuck in there since last Sunday. Good thing you don’t need to eat in Heaven, those three days in Golgotha ain’t got nothing on this kind of hunger.