Fantasy Gods, Why Hast Thou Forsaken Me? Week 6 2017

As many of you know, I like to complain. The weather, sports, politics, nothing ever seems to be good enough for Brocky. Naturally this extends to fantasy football, the thing that is supposed to distract me from those things. Such misfortune can’t possibly be the result of my own ineptitude, therefore it can only happen due to divine intervention. That’s right, I’m blaming my fantasy woes on God, and I’m posting every Tuesday how the big man upstairs did me wrong, this will feature as little embellishment as possible.

 

The Scene: heaven

This is totally what Heaven looks like (to get this joke you have read Ball’s comments from last week)

 

God gazes intently at the Earth. The majestic landscape is his creation, his life’s work. He snaps his fingers, instantly taking affect.

 

Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7tn-Nb8SZQ8

 

God chuckles as some poor schmuck playing mini golf misses an attempted putt. He had miraculously been able to take out a girl way out of his league. Despite his social ineptitude, and her clear discomfort, he had idiotically bet $100 vs a second date. She runs walks off, clearly pleased with the sequence of events.

 

God: “I do so love Friday the 13th, give me so many chances to f̶u̶c̶k̶ intervene with so much on earth. Why I think I ‘ll extend it all weekend! Hit the Music!”

This is totally what god listens to

 

SNAP! Some poor guy breaks his key while trying to get into his apartment

 

 

SNAP! Matt Ryan throws for a paltry 248 yards

 

 

SNAP! A woman breaks the heel off her shoe on the way to a job interview

 

 

SNAP! Julio Jones once again under performs

 

SNAP! The poor guy just wanted some potato chips

Seriously, WTF

 

SNAP! Previously reliable Andre Ellington gets no carries nor any catches

 

SNAP! A child accidentally impales their Capri-Sun with a straw at lunch time

 

SNAP! Matt Forte has his highest score of the season while on Brocky’s bench

 

SNAP! The pop tab on a Dr. Pepper breaks off without actually opening the can

 

 

SNAP! Kenny Stills has his highest score of the season, while on Brocky’s Bench

 

 

SNAP! NO BROWNIES?!?!?!?!?

 

 

SNAP! The Raven’s Defense/ST Gets 2 scores while on BROCKY’S FUCKING BENCH

 

 

SNAP! Your little sister gets kidnapped on your tenth birthday, and you have to go on an annoying quest to save her

 

 

SNAP!  The Bronco’s defense doesn’t force a single turnover against the previously winless giants!

 

 

SNAP! You find out the dark lord of the sith is actually your father!

 

 

SNAP! Brocky falls to 3 and 3 in his money league!

 

SNAP!  Lindsay Lohan!

 

 

SNAP! Brocky’s Defeats Seamus in the DFO league! But its bittersweet as Brocky put’s almost no effort into that league! Plus, you know, Seamus likes to complain a lot too

 

 

SNAP! Brocky Stubs his toe. HARD

 

SNAP! Jesus’s attempts to intervene are thwarted when the elevators in heaven inexplicably stop working.

 

For an entire week.

 

He’s been stuck in there since last Sunday. Good thing you don’t need to eat in Heaven, those three days in Golgotha ain’t got nothing on this kind of hunger.

 

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Brocky
Brocky
Congratulations, you've wondered to the profile the being commonly known as Brocky, step 2 is washing it off. Brocky is a castaway from the old site, and took part in the great migration of 2015. His tastes can vary from the cynical to the bizarre, and a weird affinity for the band Nightwish. Brocky is a die hard Chicago fan, and can be found hanging his hat in Indiana, his windbreaker in ohio, and once lost a shoe somewhere in northeast michigan (Don't worry lefty, you and your brother WILL be reunited) anything else? feel free to ask... also, if you're wondering about the pic, its a hyena carrying a the head of a lion. King of the Ocean my Ass!
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ballsofsteelandfury

I’m so proud and honored for the way you started this post.

Doktor Zymm

Your version of God reads a lot like the devil in the original Bedazzled

Brick Meathook

Anyone watching the dirt ball today? 4th inning? The double replay? What the fuck? Am I going to run out of question marks on my IPad? Who knows?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Go Astros!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

/doesn’t actually like Houston but fuck the Yankees

litre_cola

Effort in FF? I am the worst in the world, are you saying if I applied myself I could be better than 1-5 in most leagues?

SonOfSpam

You own Matt Forte and Kenny Stills and you want sympathy for your shitty FFL team???

I say good day to you sir!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

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LemonJello

For some reason, I really look forward to learning how Yahweh shit on Brocky’s parade each week.

/pours one out for Brocky
//not any of the good stuff, some of that #swill seen on teh teevee

blaxabbath

Wind Waker is the absolute shit.

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