Your “OOF! We Got A Ripe One Over Here!” Thursday Night Football Open Thread

So it’s come to this. The truest of the tests of your football fanhood. This one is such a stinker I feel as though it should be played in London. The thing is, it doesn’t even have that “I can drink in the morning and still pretend to feel good about myself” (East Coast bias) aura about it. At least make it a division game between some bottom dwellers-that shouldn’t be too hard. But no. I’ve half a notion to pick up Kenyon Drake and plop him on to my fantasy team so that I’ve got some sort of rooting interest in this. Still, there’s a job to be done. [sigh of resignation] TO THE GAME!*

Miami/Baltimore: The cat tower has been installed on the Fins sideline and you best believe that it’s not a no-smoking zone. It appears that Jay won’t be chasing squirrels for at least a week or two. That’s backup Matt Moore stumbling into the breach once again. Last year he won a few games after Tanneyhill went down and got them into the playoffs. Last week he threw a few TD’s in the fourth to vanquish the Jets. He’s regarded as a positive presence on the team/in the locker room. Why? The consensus is it’s because he “Dooooooooooes Caaaaaaaaare”. The reason he’s still not trusted to run the team full time is because he has 32 interceptions and 17 fumbles in fairly limited playing time since 2011. Ouch! If rb Ajayi and his 442 rushing yards and ZERO! TD’s (thanks a lot!) can get going perhaps the Fins can pretend that they’re not last in total offence and scoring. LOADED QUESTION ALERT: Who do you think is the 31st? Them Black Birds, that’s who. A large amount of focus has turned towards the room temperature milk-swilling wunderbread qb Joseph Flacco and his 7th-highest salary. Why hasn’t he miracle-whipped this team into shape? It may have something to do with 3 rb’s, 3 te’s and 4 O-linemen having been taken out of the offensive equation.

Do your thingy.

 

*the exclamation point is for decoration only-it is not a signifier of excitement in this circumstance

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Still gotta be productive at work tomorrow.

blaxabbath

I would be commissioner of a fantasy football league with the rule that you may never have the same player on your team twice. It’d be the opposite of a keeper league.

My dissertation was on the Chad Ochocinco name change.

Col. Duke LaCross

A cat on the field? Yes, we know.

Sharkbait

JAY CUTLER SIGHTING!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Senor Weaselo

Good news everyone! Hermana Weaselo got into grad school!

blaxabbath

Congrats to your grandmother!

deviantBastard
deviantBastard

You need to work on your Spanish. He said his mother-in-law got into grad school.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I worked on my Spanish quite a bit; then her VISA expired and she had to go back.

blaxabbath

Just to really troll this Kap mattter, an NFL owner should have his team sign Tebow.

Senor Weaselo

Evening lizard people. I got to a fancy Mexican bar when it was 20-0. Matt Moore isn’t very good, is he?
/Remembers the Jets lost to him
As I said.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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King Hippo

40-nil. That’ll leave a mark.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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King Hippo

Beaver gon’ cock this up, and I don’t want to see that happen.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

You prefer anal.

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

Well at least the penalties are interesting.

Sharkbait

Does the C on Suh’s jersey stand for “Cunt”?

King Hippo

eye poking? come the fuck on. Dickass.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Watching Flacco get knocked the fuck out while I was at a bar was fun. What’s happening here?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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The Showdown Downtown…..

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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….ends peacefully.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Sharkbait

Well, this sucks. Just got a call from Mrs. Sharkbait. Her 91 year old grandmother in New Jersey just passed away. So I guess the answer to my earlier question about what sucks more is D) Being at work and unable to go leave early to go home.

Gratliff

My ex-wife’s grandparents died in their 90’s. As a person whose family tends to just kill over at 45, I had to contain my impulse to congratulate her on her grandparents’ success.

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

Maternal grandmother and paternal grandfather died at 54 and 45 respectively (lymphatic cancer for nana and heart disease for g’pa). Maternal grandfather and paternal grandmother both made it to 98 (both died of broken bone in nursing home). Given this, I figure making mid-to-late-70s will probably be best I can do (both parents are still alive, 77 and 80).

Sharkbait

She had a good run. Lots of health issues though, so at least she isnt suffering anymore.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Condolences to you and the Mrs.

Sharkbait

Thanks Moose.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

I’m sorry to hear that, Sharkbait. Our condolences as well.

Sharkbait

Thanks Beastmode

WCS

Genuinely sorry to read this, pal. My best to your wife and your family.

Sharkbait

Thanks WCS.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Sorry man. Best to the Missus.

Sharkbait

Thanks WBS. The bitch is being stuck at work while she’s at home.

litre_cola

I have had enough of this. Good night to you all.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

The original Halloween Jack-O’-Lantern was first recorded in Ireland and was made from a turnip instead of a pumpkin.

Gratliff

One more thing the Irish are bad at

King Hippo

but they make up for it with drinkin’ and dyin’ from potato blight, aye!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I son’t know; that Jack-O’-Lantern is way creepier than a fuckable pumpkin.

King Hippo

yeah, you’d have to be REAL FOOKIN’ DRUNK to stick your dick in THAT

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Well…. not THAT drunk.

King Hippo

is ok…SAFE SPACE ,, smgdh

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Stick you dick in crazy turnip.

Gratliff

I actually thought it was a model of one of the claymation Tool monsters, so yeah.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Captain Ron. Great Kurt Russell movie or greatest Kurt Russell movie?

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Definitely not greatest. That spot is already taken.

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Beastmode Ate My Baby

No eyepatch, no top spot.

Beerguyrob

Exactly.

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Beerguyrob

Overboard. He tries to drown Goldie Hawn.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

IWDB loves that movie. We have it on blu-ray.

Beerguyrob

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

When I first watched it back in the day I thought it was really stupid and was pissed that I even paid the cheap cinema rate. Watching it years later I still thing it is really stupid, but in a better much more amusing way.

*Was pervy both times on mother/ daughter (prolly didn’t realize she was 20 at the time).

King Hippo

Stanford’s bold stance of trying to be a legitimate JV NFL program sans QB is causing them to lose to sad sack Oh-ray-GAWNE State. Hooray, Beaver!

Spur
Spur

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Stepped away for a good bit – how many punts is Miami up to now?

Spur
Spur

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Spur
Spur

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King Hippo

yeah, you have to go for two. Because Miami’s 4th TD is really gonna come into play here.

deviantBastard
deviantBastard

They don’t really need a 4th TD. 3 TDs, 3 2-pt conversions and a FG wins it.

deviantBastard
deviantBastard

Time to send in Kaep.

King Hippo

just let it stand, fuckers

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Immaculate Mattception.

Romonobyl

This game needs to be recorded and buried in a time capsule in some random town square, that way 50 years from now we can be reminded to never have Thursday Night Football again.

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

Given the current administration, in 50 years the only entertainment method is going to be shadow and light shows using paintings on walls and torches, like those plane-crash kids in Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome in their little oasis. Apox-eclipse!

Beerguyrob

Put in the desert next to those old ET video games.

Gratliff

Once Bitten was an underrated vampire movie. Also, I really miss pre-antivax Jim Carrey.

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deviantBastard
deviantBastard

Questionable shower sex.

Gratliff

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Beastmode Ate My Baby

Tom Cruise lobbied hard for the Jim Carrey role.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

He also lobbied aggressively.

Gratliff

I dug further seeing if I could find a gif of the part where the one dude has a panic attack when he realizes he could have just asked about a bite mark, but apparently following the rabbit hole down “gay panic shower scene” gets dark in a hurry

Spur
Spur

I there a Criterion release of this? – Aaron Rodgers

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

At least the college contest is pretty decent.

King Hippo

I have no goddamned clue why I am still awake. Perhaps just because I hate every aspect of life aside from watching the footy?

litre_cola

Plus your profound love for all things Baltimore.

King Hippo

well, that’s tacitly understood

Beastmode Ate My Baby

“Fuck off, dumbass.”

-JJ Fozz

Spur
Spur

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Duchess

This game further proves that while Cutler gives you a 40% chance of winning a game that’s still a hell of a lot better than the vast majorities of QB’s in this league.

Spur
Spur

Also a GREAT MOVIE
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Spur
Spur

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ArmedandHammered
ArmedandHammered

So after eating a 24 oz porterhouse, baked potato, bowl of mushroom and rice soup, and sauteed onions and mushrooms, I have a new idea for an uber type service called “Wheelbarrow”. They come into the restaurant, move you into the wheelbarrow, move you out to the van, lock you in place while still in the wheelbarrow, roll you into your house and then dump you out onto your couch.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Fred Meyers is now doing the click-shop thing, where you order online & then they bring your groceries out to your car.

Is it awesome? Yes. Yes it is.

litre_cola

Same thing up here. It is awesome. Buy only what you need and no impulse buys.

deviantBastard
deviantBastard

What if there were a random impulse buy option? Say item is no more then $5-10. Would you select it?

litre_cola

If it was potato chips? I would take the mystery bag yes.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

For someone like me, who has massive problems with perfume, cologne, candles, etc., it’s really nice. And we don’t impulse buy anymore anyway, since that road leads down a path of doom…

King Hippo

I wish I lived like an hour away from the nearest store to prevent impulse buying

ArmedandHammered
ArmedandHammered

Amazon and Costco just started same day grocery deliveries by me. I think I may never have to leave the house or wear pants again.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Pussy

King Hippo

But how do they get you into your sweatpants?

ArmedandHammered
ArmedandHammered

I’m already wearing my best sweatpants to go out and eat, why do I need to change?

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

“Vikings-Browns ONLY on NFL Network Sunday.”
Everyone else ran away screaming FUCK NO!

deviantBastard
deviantBastard

It could be worse. You could be forced to watch the game exclusively on Yahoo! Sports. Oh wait….

Beerguyrob

Well, this is interesting – the dog just took a bite out of my vodka’d Coke Slurpee.

Puppy gon be wasted

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Oxypug is a bad influence on the rest of the DFO hounds.

litre_cola

It’s working.

litre_cola

I don’t think that I have ever seen an offense this dismal before.

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

How are the Dolphins 4-2?

litre_cola

Because the Cat is better than Moore.

deviantBastard
deviantBastard

You need to watch more Browns games.

litre_cola

Do I? I already hate everything.

King Hippo

also, #ThePauls

Beerguyrob

Wait until the Packers get back from their bye.

King Hippo

Shit. And they surely have more primetime fixtures lined up.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

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Beerguyrob

Man, that play went worse than a jet sweep on the goal line.

King Hippo

Nobody forget Vikes v. #ThePauls!

#Mandatory

King Hippo

fuck, Tucker ain’t supposed to ever miss

Sharkbait

Looked more like a block to me

deviantBastard
deviantBastard

Well, technically, he didn’t miss. The ball just didn’t reach its destination.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

This is weird because the only Tucker I know of is Tucker Carlson, and he’s definitely missing a chromosome or two.

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

Preston Tucker was a pretty interesting dude who designed a cool car and was portrayed in the Coppola movie Tucker by Jeff Bridges, who is a pretty cool dude himself.

Mother Puncher
Mother Puncher

Holy shit. I read this before I saw the kick. I’m also whisky drunk so it was surreal.

Spur
Spur

Clue was a good movie.

Sharkbait

1+2+2+1?

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clint greasewood
clint greasewood

Found out Tim Curry played pennywise in IT. Mind blown.

Duchess
Spur
Spur

Shula is why Marino never won a title. He never evolved past 1976.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Neither did the USA.

King Hippo

Basically, not a millisecond after Vietnam

Beastmode Ate My Baby

I think we had some post-Vietnam reflection starting, then 1976 happened and we went “Woo! We made it 200 years! Party!” Then Carter was all, “Not so fast, we do have some problems…” and everyone went, “Fuck it. Reagan tells us we’re awesome.”

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

America is still in the shit-throwing, temper tantrum stage.

Spur
Spur

Americans hate being called out on their bullshit – Jimmy “malaise speech” Carter

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

1976?

Spur
Spur

ok……..1979

King Hippo

Also maybe whoever thought he didn’t need a running game around him or anything.

clint greasewood
clint greasewood

Have you been to one of his steakhouses?

King Hippo

Nobody ever makes a really big deal about how butt ugly Don Shula was. But yeesh.

Spur
Spur

The Fins blow and not out of the hole in their head.

clint greasewood
clint greasewood

How to fix Thursday night?
Move it to Friday night or Saturday afternoon.
Make Monday a double header.
Bring the game back on the late afternoon Sunday game.
Have a monster truck preform the opening kickoff, receiving team gets a horse and chariot.
I’m looking for ideas to send to Roger to fix this mess.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Grenade Launchers to the first 10,000 fans.

deviantBastard
deviantBastard

I think that’s already an Oakland giveaway promotion.

King Hippo

to be sensitive regarding #VegasStrong, might have to change that to switchblades

King Hippo

It can even stay Thursday Night Football. Just play it on Friday night. JV ball works on Thurs b/c just adjusting the calendar by 2 days, not 3.

and FUCK HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL, it holds no broad-based entertainment value.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Post-game sacrifice of the long snapper
Both teams play in the costumes of their mascots
The refs must drink after every first down
I get to write the opening segments
Random balls explode into confetti when punted

Spur
Spur

Your list is lacking “more Romo”.

deviantBastard
deviantBastard

“What is something Jessica Simpson never said?” for $1000, Alex.

Spur
Spur

That fat cow never belonged in Romo suite.

clint greasewood
clint greasewood

I got it just regulate the cowboys to play all their games on Thursday. NFL gets the ratings, Cowboys stay in primetime and I to spend my Thursday night playing trivia night at Applebees drinking from my own flask.

Spur
Spur

Evening.
i heard alfonso did something
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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Jesus Fucking Christ. Florida’s state capitol has the silhouette of a dick and balls. https://imgur.com/TwV3Hhk

Mother Puncher
Mother Puncher

Most state capitals do. America.

Mother Puncher
Mother Puncher

Goddamn Tony has a nice tie

LemonJello
LemonJello

I’m out. No way I can pretend to care about this game anymore. Like the youths today say, “I’m off like a prom dress.”

Later, Taters.

deviantBastard
deviantBastard

Night, Dad. I’ll be home late.

King Hippo

you’ll be sad when you learn the Ratbird punter quartered backed the entire Q4

theeWeeBabySeamus

He won’t be the only one.

King Hippo

Christ, you could field 11 punters on offense and still win this shitshow