Citizen Kane

Casablanca

Gone With The Wind

Lawrence of Arabia

Schindler’s List

These are just a few of the movies celebrated as being the best of all time and which I haven’t watched. This is Balls, btw. tWBS is more cultured than me and may have seen some of these.

tWBS:  I’ve actually seen Citizen Kane  believe it or not.  I took a film study class in college and saw it then.  Considering what came before it, it was somewhat trail blazing in the world/history of film making.  But still not what I’d call an “edge of your seat” viewing.  I also have seen bits and pieces of Gone With The Wind but could never stomach it all the way thru.

Balls: Boring shit, huh?  One of the things that bothers me the most in my Old Man Yelling at Clouds age

is that all the “revered” movies are dramas.  Very rarely are comedies celebrated.  Even less, goofy 80s-90s comedies that have no redeeming social value other than to make us laugh at stupid shit.  Today, tWBS and I will present to you, without commercial interruption and uncut (not literally), what we consider to be one of filmdom’s oeuvres d’art.  We speak, of course, about

tWBS:  A cinematic masterpiece, to be sure.

Balls:  Damn right!  And to give this film its due, we will liveblog a rewatch of this film in order for you, our dear reader(s?), to join in the fun and maybe, just maybe, those of you that have never seen this film may seek it out and watch it.

tWBS:  Only $14.99 on Itunes! I had to get the DVD shipped to me, though, as Amazon Video didn’t have it.

Balls:  Bastards!

tWBS:  Right?  Ok, before we even start this, I want to get one thing straight:

I’m Carl!

Balls:  No, I’m Carl!

tWBS:  No, I’m Carl!

Balls:  Dammit, ok.  Thinking about it, it does make sense for you to be Carl and for me to be James, as will become evident as we watch the film.  Ready?

tWBS:  Hey wait one damned minute.  What’s that supposed to mean?

Balls:  Well, Carl causes all the trouble while James is just trying to…

tWBS:  He does not!!!!

Balls:  Does too!!!!

tWBS:  He soooooo does not.  James is just being a whiny bitch.  So yeah, you should be him.  Plus Carl gets the girl, sooooo…

Balls:  Yeah dude, in your dreams.  You ready or what?

tWBS (giggling): Ready.

Balls (breaking fourth wall): Ready, DFOers?

tWBS:  Let’s begin.

***

0:00 – Black screen.  The first audio of the movie is the sound of the local disc jockey, The Poorman, blathering about some stuff happening in town.

Balls:  This is a really effective opening because Poorman’s blather instantly sets the scene as SoCal in the late 80s/early 90s…

tWBS:  OK, wait, wait…I realize my DVD says the film’s been modified and it’s all “old TV 4:3 ratio” n junk.  But that’s not my opening (giggity).  Or are we just ignoring the whole bad guys doing bad shit for now?

Balls:  Yeah, for now we’re ignoring that.

tWBS:  Fine then, let me fast forward and catch up.

Balls:  Shut up.  Anyway…….

Jim “The Poorman” Trenton is a Southern California legend. I could write a whole separate post on him.  Suffice to say that he started getting famous as a KROQ dj in the early 80s when KROQ established New Wave and what became known as “Alternative” music in the US.  He was the one that created Loveline.

tWBS: So, we have him to thank for that asshole Dr. Drew?

Balls:  Not directly.  Poorman has always been a rebel and has always done…unconventional stunts. Management brought Dr. Drew in to try to control him.  It didn’t work and that’s how Poorman got fired and the show became the embarrasment it became.

tWBS:  So then Dr. Drew, as usual came in to fix things, but fixed nothing.  Yes, that adds up.

Balls: Here’s another fun Poorman fact:  He created a TV show called Poorman’s Bikini Beach that featured bikini contests and other fun and crazy events happening throughout SoCal.  Events such as Poorman’s Bikini Beach Mile III:

Let’s face it, if there was outrageously crazy behaviour that was frowned upon by the establishment happening in SoCal, Poorman was there.

tWBS:  I kinda wish I’d seen that bikini horse racing thing.  And I can totally see the Charlie Sheen connection.

Balls:  Yup, in that context, he was the ONLY person that could be doing that audio voiceover.

tWBS:  Well, I’ll take your word for it considering I don’t have the “I grew up in SoCal” connection there.  Honestly, I was looking at the buff blonde surfer chick and thinking James was an idiot for not calling in sick.  Besides, in real life he’d never see that board again.

***

tWBS:   OK, so we have the getting to know you character development stuff, including Carl and James’ day out on the their route (they’re garbage men, btw….that’s important later)….

Balls:  Fun day.  Also, you noticed that James has an “understanding” with the lovely ladies on their route, yes?  Personal service…it counts.

tWBS:  I shoulda known you’d bring that up.  But YOU  noticed all he got was her trash, right?  It’s not like he went inside and…

Balls:  Well….not today maybe.  They were busy.

tWBS:  I’ve never been that  busy.

Balls:  Shut up. Maybe the husband was home. Anyhoo, after a good honest day’s work, they head home for a relaxing night of drunken Trivial Pursuit.

tWBS:  As we all have from time to time.

Balls:  Of course.  But the shit really explodes then.

tWBS:  Wow.  You’ve had that one chambered and waiting, haven’t you?

Balls:  Shut up.

tWBS:  But of course you’re right.  A simple misunderstanding and a pellet gun to the ass later and…

Balls:  Yes, but we’re getting ahead of ourselves. At this point, I’m gonna jump in and backtrack, Readers’ Digest style so I can…

tWBS:  You never warn me about these things.  Also, you’re gonna Reader’s Digest it?  The brothers Estevez are not happy.  Do I need to pause the movie or what?

Balls:  No, just….shut up.  So tWBS referred earlier to bad guys doing bad shit.  Here’s the gist….

A company’s head honcho is illegally dumping toxic waste in the Pacific with the knowledge of a city councilman (Berger) who is currently also running for re-election.  Berger finally grows a spine and wears a wire while threatening to blow the whistle.  Misunderstanding happens with his election assistant type person (Susan), the tapes get switched, so he shows up at her apartment to switch back.  Assistant girl happens to live across the apartment building quad from Carl, who misunderstands what he sees as a domestic dispute, and shoots Berger in the ass with a pellet gun.

tWBS:  Oh yeah, I can see what you mean now about me being Carl.

Balls:  Right, superhero?  Anyway, that brings us mostly up to speed for now on that end of things.  That is other than to let you know Carl and James also got in trouble at work and now….

tWBS:  Wait, wait.  I got a joke for you.  What does a Phrenologist feel and interpret?

/Balls shits himself laughing.

tWBS (breaking the fourth wall):  We’ll be right back, folks.

***

tWBS:  OK, sooooo….  In addition to the other things ballsy filled you in on just now, there is also a pair of low rent hit men, who not surprisingly are in the employ of the sleazy head honcho doing the illegal offshore dumping; who now has a vested interest in shutting up Berger and finding the right tape to cover his own ass.  Which is why misunderstandings and pellet guns to the ass can occasionally escalate.  Like this….

…which now brings us to where things start getting good.  As balls mentioned, Carl and James’ antics on their route the day before got them in some trouble.  So their boss (Walt…whose ass is apparently a phrenologist’s dream) assigns his brother-in-law (Louis) to observe them.  This in and of itself creates some early hilarity just from the tension (see, James is the problem, Carl is cool)…

…but soon enough, the trio becomes united in their cause.  And what’s their united cause?  Covering each other’s ass on this one…

tWBS:  And let me take this opportunity to briefly say how much I enjoy the work of Keith David.  One of my all time favorite character actors.  He played Childs in the ’82 remake of The Thing, you know?

Balls:  Yes I know, but we’re not doing that movie tonight and….

tWBS:  See, watch this….

Balls:  WE’RE NOT DOING THAT MOVIE TONIGHT!!!!

tWBS:  Fiiiiine.  *sigh*

Balls:  Thank you.  But I do agree.  Louis’ character is tremendous for the physical comedy aspect. Also,  the line “Looks like somebody threw away a perfectly good white boy” is an all-time classic that I’ve used multiple times

tWBS: In what possible context could you have used that?

Balls: You don’t want to know.  Anyway,  the pizza man scene kills me very time:

tWBS:  Right?   Keith is awesome in that.  But where are we now?  I’m getting confused.

Balls:  Shocking.   Before we go further,  though,  I want to give a shoutout to Dean Cameron,  who plays the Pizza Guy. Astute readers will remember him from the classic Ski School movies as well as Summer School and the massively underrated They Came From Outer Space TV series!

tWBS: I still remember that poster

Balls: I may like the sequel’s poster better. We need to write a post on those movies next.

Anyway,  Berger is dead; hit men lost the body and got the wrong tape; Carl, James and Louis found the body, stashed it until they could figure out what to do, and then kidnapped the pizza guy who saw too much.

tWBS:  But wait, what about Carl and Susan?  We forgot about that.

Balls:  Oh right….  Carl is suspicious that Susan could be the killer.  So he goes over to….  “feel  her out” …..so to speak.  Aaaand he ends up falling for her.

tWBS:  Don’t even say it.

Balls giggles silently.  For a while.

Balls:  OK, so Susan is completely clueless about all of this.  She doesn’t even know she has the tape.  Yet.  She thinks Carl is just there hitting on her.

tWBS:  Well, he kinda is.  He’s completely lost focus and all he sees is this beautiful girl in front of him now….and….dammit, don’t say it.

Balls (giggling some more):  See, Carl?  Anyway, Carl and Susan decide to go out and do “something fun”.  So our duo of James and Louis, now along with kidnapped pizza guy and dead body Berger, decide to pursue and observe.  Our bad guy and his hit men are also all mobile now, trying to locate the body and the correct tape.  And for good measure, we’ve also still got co-workers tooling around trying to get even for the lockers o’ shit prank, as well as the two douchebag cops, Mr. Sneakyman and Mr. Bonehead…

tWBS:  Incidentally, this is one of my favorite scenes Keith David has ever done in any of his films.  Which as you know foreshadows James’ attempt later at….

Balls:  Up bup bup bup….let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

tWBS:  Good point.  But now we’ve got some movement.  Some action driven storyline.

Balls:  Right.  And part of the hilarity is that while James is dealing with pisshead cops, dead bodies and tangential kidnappings, none of which he had anything to do with…

tWBS:  And don’t forget Louis.

Balls:  Yeah, him too!!!  Poor James is just doing the best he can to deal with the situation Carl dumped into his lap.  Meanwhile, what is Carl doing?

tWBS:  You’re asking me?

Balls:  Yes.  I really think you should answer this.

tWBS:  Well, right now he’s sitting on the beach with the pretty girl, without a care in the world about what James is going thr…..hey, wait a minute.

Balls:  Thank you for making my point.

tWBS:  Fine.  But things are about to catch up with him.  The hit men find him and Susan.  Fortunately, one gets Tazer happy and the two use that distraction to escape….  Only to have Susan’s beautiful cherry red ’55 Corvette go all boom boom before their eyes because the pranky co-workers aren’t safe with fire.  So Carl and Susan then run some more, trying to find help the only place they know.  But Louis has already been there….

…Long story short…

Balls:  I think that ship has already sailed.

tWBS:  Fine then.  You tell the rest.

Balls:  Don’t mind if I do…

The bad guy head honcho and some of his other cronies with big guns show up and along with the hit men, they retrieve the tape and make plans.  Chief among which is to get all of the illegal toxic waste dumped in the landfill before sunrise.  Including the two barrels in which they’ve just sealed Carl and Susan.

tWBS:  But what about Berger?

Balls:  They’ve got the tape.  Berger can’t be traced to them now.

tWBS:  Ah yes.  So it’s time for the cavalry then.  Enter James and Louis and a pellet gun (pizza guy and Berger decide to sit this one out).  But my favorite part of this, and sadly I can’t find a clip, is the brakes failing on the truck (thanks to the pranky co-workers) and James crashing into the “No Accidents for: 005 Days” sign.  I laugh at that every time.

Balls:  I know.  It’s the little details like that which make this movie great.  Anyway, Carl’s barrel rolls off the forklift and opens up.  He’s free, but Susan isn’t.  Carl and James then end up on one of the trucks.  Well, sort of on one of the trucks.  Another clip I couldn’t find, sadly.  But that scene alone is worth the price of admission (so maybe it’s better not to spoil it for our viewers).  And eventually they make it to the landfill and begin fighting workers and looking for Susan….

…And then we get the bad guy’s comeuppance, but in comedic form.

tWBS:  Yeah, I’d have just shot his ass.

Balls:  But this was funnier….

tWBS:  True enough.   And then your Poorman does the outro as we fade to black.  Somehow, I feel like we haven’t done the film justice if I’m being honest.

Balls:  The only thing that does this film justice is the film itself.  Which is why we’re giving it TWO SNAPS UP, and recommending that all of our DFO brethren (and sistren) re-watch it, or watch it for the first time.  They’ll be glad they did.

See  you next time….

AT THE MOVIES!!!!!!!!

***