Moosemas in Hell (Part Four)

Beastmode Ate My Baby
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The scene: The Secret Island of Doktor Zymm, home to the Secret Base of Doktor Zymm which of course houses the Laboratory of Doktor Zymm where, even now, Doktor Zymm has assembled several DFOers (Marc, Balls, CB and Horatio) and hangers-on (Sharkbait, Man in Plaid #2’s head, Moosemas Gorilla) as she has successfully programmed the Dimensional Energy Retrieval Portal to lock onto Future Moose and the others who are currently in Hell.

Doktor Zymm: I am glad you could all be here. I have finally managed to…

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Like, lock onto Moose and the other guys in Hell, right?

Doktor Zymm: Vell…ja… How did you know that?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Like, I was listening to that narrator guy, man.

Ballsofsteelandfury: Here we go again.

Covalent Blonde: Marc, there’s no narrator. You just have voices in your head.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Whatever, man. Like, just because you guys aren’t tuned in to, like, the existential network, man. Besides, he has a cool voice. Like, he sounds kinda like Keith David, man.

Covalent Blonde: OK, Marc…

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Or is it David Keith? Like, I always get those guys confused, man…

Doktor Zymm: If ve can get back to ze matter at hand…

Horatio Cornblower: So you’ve found Moose and WCS, Dok? That’s great news.

Doktor Zymm: Vell, maybe. Hell ist a very chaotic place, but I have managed to locate zere zignals. Now I vant everyone to listen closely, as zis ist important.

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook?

Doktor Zymm: I have programmed ze D.E.R.P. mit precision, zo I vill be sending zeveral of you through it in a very zpecific order. Now, Marc I vant you to…

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Woo! First!

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van runs into the glowing portal and disappears from sight.

Doktor Zymm: Nein! Zat vas not….

Sharkbait (rushing into the portal): Iz nadda tumah!

Doktor Zymm: Ach! Vat are you doing? Horatio! You must…

Horatio Cornblower: On it, Dok! Let’s go, pal!

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook-ook!

Moosemas Gorilla, Horatio Cornblower perched on his shoulder, vaults into the portal and they disappear.

Ballsofsteelandfury (walking over to the D.E.R.P.): Soooo… Did you want the rest of us to go to Hell or…?

Covalent Blonde (walking up and pushing Ballsofsteelandfury through the portal): You make it too easy, Balls. Sorry your plans got messed up, Dok.

Doktor Zymm (resigned): Zeventy-two ztraight hours of calculations…

Covalent Blonde: Bummer. Well, I should probably go and look out for those guys.

Doktor Zymm: Ja,ja… Vatever…

Covalent Blonde goes through the portal and disappears. Doktor Zymm goes over to her desk and picks up Man in Plaid #2’s head.

Doktor Zymm: Shall ve?

Man in Plaid #2’s Head: I would be delighted, Doktor Zymm.

Carrying the head, Doktor Zymm steps into the portal and disappears.

Cut to: Hell. Doktor Zymm steps through the portal and it disappears behind her. She blinks once, then ducks as a pig-headed demon flies over her head. The demon is wingless, of course, so it’s less that he was flying, and more like he was tossed. By Covalent Blonde, who, along with the other DFOers, is currently engaged in a slobberknocker with the Satan’s Swine.

Doktor Zymm: Vat ist going on?

A Satan’s Swine demon runs by squealing, Horatio Cornblower holding onto it by the ears.

Horatio Cornblower: And this little piggy gets a beat-down!

The pig-headed demon runs right into a swinging gorilla paw and goes down hard.

Moosemas Gorilla (as Horatio Cornblower hops onto his shoulder): Ook!

Horatio Cornblower: Nice job, pal! We’ve got these pigs on the run!

Sharkbait pincers two of the Satan’s Swine by their snouts and cracks their heads together.

Sharkbait: Ull be beck!

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Dude, that’s what you say when you’re leaving, man! Like, we’re going to have to Arnold-a-thon again.

Sharkbait (nodding): Giddoo da choppah!

Covalent Blonde takes down the Satan’s Swine Prez with a flying headscissors then axe kicks his face into the sand. Ballsofsteelandfury goes running by, a humungous Swine chasing him and twirling a chain over his head.

Ballsofsteelandfury: Aah! Somebody get this guy off of me!

Covalent Blonde sends the Swine sprawling with a leg sweep from the ground, then wraps the chain around his neck and chokes him out. She looks up at Ballsofsteelandfury with a sigh.

Ballsofsteelandfury (shooting a single finger gun): Thanks, CB!

Covalent Blonde: I really wish you’d take my Muay Thai class.

Ballsofsteelandfury: I’m a lover, not a fighter.

Covalent Blonde: Right. And you specialize in dead chicks.

Ballsofsteelandfury (double finger guns): Yeah I do!

The Satan’s Swine Prez runs toward Doktor Zymm with a roar. Man in Plaid #2’s eyes glow brightly and lasers shoot out. They catch the Satan’s Swin Prez dead center and within seconds he is reduced to a smoldering mass of flesh and bone.

Horatio Cornblower: Holy crap!

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook!

Doktor Zymm: You have…laser eyes?

Man in Plaid #2’s Head: I am reticent to use them. Unfortunately they are quite destructive.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van (walking up): What smells so good, man?

Doktor Zymm: Oh, Marc…

Ballsofsteelandfury: So, Zymm…we’re in Hell. Where’s Moose and WCS?

Doktor Zymm: I am not sure. I had ze coordinates plotted out carefully, but unfortunately…

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Like, it reminds me of that luau we had, man! We should do that again.

Covalent Blonde (walking up): Gross, Marc.

Doktor Zymm: Ve may have to do zome zearching for our missing members.

Covalent Blonde (pointing over at the Satan’s Swine bikes): Good thing we’ve got some transportation, then. These pig guys won’t be needing them. Especially that gooey, smoking one. Yuck.

Sharkbait (enthusiastically): Ass dala veesta babee!

Ballsofsteelandfury (wincing): Dude…

To be continued…


Beastmode Ate My Baby
Beastmode Ate My Baby
A frequent guest-star on the award-winning seventeenth season of Here Come the Brides as well as Petticoat Junction: The Outlaw Years, Vic Darlington was arrested in Miami for poodle smuggling in 1986. Fleeing to the United States to avoid prosecution, he worked as a delivery boy for Señor Pizza until finding a steady gig as the bassist for the Johnny Zed Power Trio. He currently lives in North Hollywood with his trophy wife, two meerkats and the world's largest collection of second-hand bowling trophies.
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Your description of me gets more realistic every time I’m on HRTN.


Funny, you type in Ass dalia into the Google and you get this:

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I’m totally not gonna search that later.

Senor Weaselo

Remember, Ass Möde is a way of life.

Doktor Zymm

I had laser eyes in high school. I miss them sometimes


The Bahamas Bowl sounds fucking awesome.

So we took a ship down to the Bahamas to see Ohio play UAB, and it has been nothing short of amazing (and honestly, questionable). Here’s a short list of things we’ve done here at the game so far:

-Brought beer right in to the stadium. The locals at the gate didn’t even ask to check tickets. One of them took a sip of my beer. -We walked all the way around the stadium, until we reached a fenced off area. A Royal Bahamas Defense Force guard said we should check behind the fence, because he doesn’t know what’s back there. Upon walking past the fence, we ended up in the Ohio locker room. No questions asked. -People are constantly walking on the athletic track around the field and chugging beer. The security forces down there just keep laughing and high fiving everyone. One of the soldiers keeps hugging random fans. -There’s a native family in front of me literally braiding eachother’s hair. They told me they have no clue about how football works. They just want to have a good time. One of them offered to braid my hair. My hair is 3 inches long. -They were doing a T-Shirt toss, and one of the Bahamian families here straight up jumped three rows down onto a group of fans just to grab a shirt. They ended up getting two. -A drunk fan just walked on to the sideline and high fived a player. He then high fived a Royal Bahamian Defense Force soldier when walking back. The soldier couldn’t stop laughing. -There’s like 20 entrances to this stadium, and only like 10 of them are guarded. Literally anyone could walk in here. -They have one working scoreboard, and instead of showing the clock, it’s the ESPN feed so you can barely see the score and clock on the bottom right corner. -Whoever’s in charge of music can’t decide the volume. He tried playing Believer and adjusted the volume up and down around 4 times before giving up. There hasn’t been any music since.

For these reasons, I urge that the playoff committee consider hosting the national championship here. It would be a terrible idea, but everyone would have a great time. I know the locals are.

Edit: -Drunk guy with flag: -More drunk fans that nobody is stopping:

I love this place.


But the famous Idaho Potato Bowl with 30 degree temperatures sounds so much more fun.

Senor Weaselo

But what about Wichita?


The Bahamas is so neutral it’s not even in the U.S., though.


This is awesome.


To add: -There are people in ALL different unrelated football jerseys. I’ve seen DeMarcus Ware, Rob Gronkowski, Tom Brady, and even Cristiano Ronaldo -I had to walk 10 minutes to the complete other side of the stadium because no one knew where the nearest bathrooms were -We had tickets at will call because my little brother plays for OU, but the line was too long, so we just went up to the gate, beers in hand along with another bag of 6 bud lights for $12, told them “we’ve already been in”, and they let all 6 of us right in without checking anything -The entertainment on the outskirts of the stadium right next to concessions includes ARCHERY. I saw a child as small as 4 getting help aiming an actual bow and arrow at a target 20 ft away -The play signalers for OU (not sure what their official term is) are all wearing Hawaiian shirts on the sideline -They played Sandstorm three times in a row at the beginning of the game and I was worried that was the only song they had until the volume issue stated by OP occurred -Some of the OU players on the sideline are wearing bucket hats and sunglasses -Attendance is max 2000



I actually tuned in for about five minutes of the game while folding laundry and in that time OU (who was up by like 28 points) threw the ball on almost every down and ran a flea flicker.


Sharkbait is speaking my language.


Covalent Blonde: Right. And you specialize in dead chicks.

Paging ballsofsteelandfury, I have Craig James on line 1. He wants to talk shop.


Yeah, but that pussy can only do five.



Something seems less dynamic in this week’s episode. I can’t quite put my finger on it.

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