The 2018 Miami Dolphins Preview: Where Hope goes to Die

Do you like the national anthem controversy? Well then I have a team for you! In a desperate act to get people to stop associating their team with Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, the Miami Dolphins have now become associated with fascism. Way to go guys!

Last season, Kenny Stills, Donkey Kong Suh and Julius Thomas were three players who consistently kneeled during the anthem. Only Stills remains on the team. Last week, Stills and newly signed Albert Wilson kneeled for the anthem. Consequently, this just happened. Based on what happens next, I might actually get a lot of good and funny posts out of the Dolphins this year.

Ron Howard voice over: These posts won’t be good or funny.

* * *

My Prediction Last year: Even though NFL analysts had them making the playoffs, I saw a team capable of winning 3 games, but had a ceiling of winning 6 games.

Team’s record: 6-10 (Boom!)

What happened?: Aside from injuries, a coach on coke and a player getting arrested at 8:30am inside a nightclub for battery? The LOLPhins became the worst 6-10 in NFL history by having teams inexplicably shit the bed when they played them. When they were 4-2, their offense was last in virtually every offensive category and it wasn’t even close. The opposing team’s kicker would miss easy field goals or the other team would give up a turnover at the wrong time. The LOLphins were a 4-2 team that probably should have won at most two games. Then reality set in and they went 2-8 the rest of the way.

Here’s how the team is looking this year.


O-Line: The offensive line will once again be as effective as a one legged man in an ass kicking contest. Last year, Miami had the 29th ranked offensive line. Many football pundits are saying they have improved because they added good character—meaning white– guys like Daniel Kilgore and Josh Sitton.

If you ever want to have a confirmation of how casually racist the NFL and its writers are, this is it. Daniel Kilgore played 16 games last year for the first time in 5 years and has been consistently ranked the worst– or one of the worst– centers in the NFL by PFF. Yet he is supposed to give the O-line a boost. A boost of what? Confidence for Laremy Tunsil in realizing he will never be as horrible as Kilgore?

Josh Sitton is a 4 time pro-bowler and Superb Owl champion who can’t stick with a team for long. While he does have injury concerns (he hasn’t played 16 games in 3 years), one can’t help but hear a shit ton of red alarms blaring as mediocre o-line teams like Chicago and Green Bay have each released him. Based on his on-the-field play, I would think that this doesn’t exactly give him a ringing endorsement about his off-the-field personality. Maybe he’s a rich man’s Richie Incognitio? Get ready for the (rumored) increase in racism, Dolphins fans!

Then there’s Laremy Tunsil, aka: the offensive lineman equivalence of Ryan Tannenhill. This is the third year of the Dolphins trying to figure out if Tunsil is a good NFL lineman or not. After an uninspiring rookie year at guard, Tunsil was moved to tackle last year where he underwhelmed—but showed some signs of competence. The hope is that he will build off some of those positives and have a better year this season. Sound familiar?

Jawuan James is awesome. He’ll continue to be the LoLphins’ best blocker and will likely become a top 5 right tackle this year. He doesn’t deserve to have his career waste away in Miami. I hope he pulls a ‘Jay Ajayi’ so he gets traded to a good team and wins a Superb Owl. It’s hard to believe that the only reason why he was drafted to Miami is because Dolphins management believed they could trick their fans into believing Lebron James now played for them.


Miami’s Quarterbacks are going to be on their back a lot (again)


Catching the ball has been an arduous task for the LOLphins’ wideouts

The Superb Owl parade planning has begun now that Miami has signed a receiver with knee problems (Albert Wilson) and a receiver who is three hits away from becoming Trent Green (Danny Amendola). These, at best #3 depth chart NFL receivers will be joined by returning members, Poor Men’s Mike Wallace–Devante Parker and Kenny Stills– who are also #3 receivers in the NFL. In other words, when the LOLphins’ quarterback does have time to pass, he can expect all his receivers to be covered. Woo!

Tickets are going fast!

Covered receivers should be great news for Miami’s Tight ends, as that means they will see the ball more. However, Miami didn’t have a tight end last year. This is really fucking funny when you realize that Gase’s signature “speed trips” aerial designs, where all three wideouts are to one side and the tight end is aligned by himself on the other, is predicated on having a good pass catching tight end.

As for this season, Miami’s 2nd round pick from the Penn State Pedos, Mike Gesicki, has already been named the starter by default. You gotta love that competitive nature they are building with Coach Gase, baby! What makes this even more interesting is the fact that no one thinks Gesicki is close to being an NFL tight end, let alone a starting one. *snaps fingers* The Dolphristcrats!


It’s not a good sign when this Dolphin looks more of a #1 Wideout than the current receiving corps

Backs: There’s plenty of reasons to get excited about this group. Kenyan Drake led the NFL in rushing from Weeks 13 through 17 with 444 yards on 91 carries (4.9-yard average).

With that said, he has been so uninspiring during training camp, 81 year old, Frank Gore, may actually be named the starting halfback week 1 against the Titans.

If your starting running back looks like this, you’re going to have a bad time.


Miami is going to have a hard time running the ball

Quarterbacks: I believe we’re entering the 6th year of the “Is Ryan Tannenhill a starting quarterback?” debate. The answer has always been “No, what the fuck is wrong with you and this organization?”

Alas, Tannehill is back as the starter after last year’s Gas leak situation saw. .

Jay Cutler as the starting quarterback. His indifference to football definitely matched the indifference of the franchise and the fanbase. Symbolically, that was a pretty appropriate signing.

A lot of optimists (otherwise known as people who don’t watch the LOLphins) are highlighting the fact that in 2016, Tannenhill was borderline Andy Daltonesque. I would counter that claim with the fact Andy Dalton sucks and has no soul and that Michael Mitch Greg Steve Dominic Shemar Mandy Mason Matt Moore was a better QB that season. These same optimists will also point to the fact that Gase praised Tannehill for showing up to Dolphins facility (when he was injured) to get medical treatment and to ask football related questions. To that I say, he did that in order to get his fucking paycheque. Furthermore, Tannehill hasn’t even looked like a starting quarterback in training camp. Apparently, his pre-snap checks are still garbage, as is reading defenses that hide their look. In other words, he’s still the same stupid cuck that he has always been.

Once Tannehill inevitably gets hurt after showing he is at best a mid-level starting quarterback, David Fales is expected to take over since he has outperformed Brock Osweiler. In fact, Fales has arguably been the most competent quarterback in training camp as he has thrown the fewest amount of interceptions (6!!!!). When he becomes the starter, he’ll likely be sleep deprived as his wife is expected to give birth in September. Fales is so off with that birth timing, how can he possibly be good with getting the timing down with his receivers, is what I’m sure NFL scouts are saying.



D-Line: Robert Quinn is going to add a lot more speed on the edge and when you pair him with MY BOY RIGHT THERE, CAM WAKE, the ends makes for a potential measty pass rush. Surprisingly, they have decent depth upfront. Their rotational players includes last year’s first round pick, Charles Harris, who has shown potential that he could be a legitimate pass rusher. Donkey Kong Suh has been replaced by Davon Godchaux, who has shown signs that he could be a decent DT in the league.


The D-line will be formidable and at times dominant. Cam Wake looks inspired having Quinn on the other end, as he has been murking Miami’s O-line throughout training camp. . . Which says a lot about how terrible Miami’s O-line could be against a decent pass rush. Additionally, since he has knocked Tannehill on his ass a few times, I’m getting the impression the defense has no confidence in, or likes Tannehill. Either way, just like last year, Miami’s linebackers are going to screw the defense over.

Linebackers: Last year, this linebacking corps was fucking dreadful and easily the slowest linebacking group in the entire league. When they actually could catch the player with the ball, tackling was a major issue. Specifically, pass catching backs and tight ends. Kiko Alonso was hot garbage, but at least he gave us this last year.

Since Alonso is a “good character guy” he’ll likely start. However, his partner in crime from last season, Stephone Anthony, should lose his starting job to third-round rookie, Jerome Baker, who has impressed in training camp and looked really fast against Tampa. If not Baker, second-round pick from 2017, Raekwon McMillan, who missed his entire rookie campaign with a torn ACL, could usurp Anthony. If neither guy are able to surpass Alonso and Anthony, the Dolphins are (even more) fucked because Alonso and Anthony are terrible.



The LOLphins need at least one more decent linebacker before even being considered a midlevel type of defense.

Secondary: Going into training camp, Miami’s secondary was a big story because they are young and showed lots of potential last December. Unsurprisingly, that hope is gone as Xavien Howard, Cordrea Tankersley and Bobby McCain have looked so bad in training camp, Miami decided to shift first round pick, Minkah Fitzpatrick, from safety to cornerback. Moreover, things are getting so concerning, the Dolphins are rumoUred to be going hard after Philadelphia Eagles corner, Ronald Darby. At least they have Reshad Jones, who is a hell of a safety and should have another good year.


Especially since they’re so young, I think this secondary is too talented to give up on. They will likely struggle this year, but may actually be pretty solid next year or the year after.



That’s not an easy schedule. Upon first glance, this schedule screams 3-13 or 4-12. However, that’d put Miami in a top 5 draft spot, which could actually benefit them. That won’t happen.

In terms of the AFC East, this feels like a season where they split a series against a team not named the P*ts and sweep the other team not named the P*ts. That gives them 3 wins. Coming off a bye week against the Fat Humps feels like a win. You’d think they’ll get at least a win from one of the Bengals, Bears or Lions shitting the bed. Finally, given the season the P*ts, Vikings and Jaguars are expected to have, you’d think one of them will become victim of a late season trap game. Not only that, but a late season win would likely screw the Dolphins out of high draft pick.

That gives the Dolphins a 6-10 record. Same as it ever was.

The Final joke where hope goes to die:

Last year, I made a comment about how The Pauls have surpassed the LOLphins in terms of giving their fans hope. Sure The Pauls are a dumpster fire, but they fail so spectacularly, they constantly get high draft picks, which gives fans hope for the future. Apart of that hope is the fact that the Browns have so much cap room, hypothetically, they could sign enough big name free agents to propel them into the playoffs. Obviously that will never happen, but Jimmy Haslam could actually do it.

One would think with all these young players starting, Miami would have lots of cap space available, right? Wrong. On March 6th, this shitty, at best 6-10 team was $19 million over the salary cap. They have made roster changes since then, but this garbage team is still just $14 million under the cap. Without any changes, they’ ll be $6 million under the cap next season. In other words, not only is this team failing, but they are also burning their money while doing it.

Oh well. Only 6 more years before the Dolphins inexplicably make the playoffs as a wildcard team before they get blown out by an AFC North team.

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[…] this idiot who said the Dolphins were awful and there is no hope to be found, I am here to say that this is the […]


A boost of what? Confidence for Laremy Tunsil in realizing he will never be as horrible as Kilgore?

Dude I can’t. I can’t. I can NOT finish reading this. I’ll come back tomorrow or something but im just fucking laugh dying laughing over here right now.

Spanky Datass

More Moore …
comment image

Ian Scott McCormick

Outside of the Pats and Jaguars, the AFC is a diaper filled dumpster fire. I say 6-10.


I bet when we tally up the results of the predicted records for all 32 teams this year, the aggregate will be something like 233-279 or something like that. We are not a very optimistic bunch.

Spanky Datass

“Nailed it!” — C. Cowherd






As the author of the Texans preview…… this is absolutely correct.


I watched part of Miami’s first pre-season game and that rook rb Ballage might be someone to look out for as the season progresses. He’s fumbled and been kicked out of the huddle by Tannyhill so he should fit right in long term.


This article is 20x more thorough than the Dolphin’s scouting process.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

20 times zero is still zero.

But I agree with the intended meaning- very nice preview. I’m sure the NSA agent tasked with reviewing your search history will be permanently scarred


I dunno, maybe it’s me, but I feel this preview needs more dolphin rape.


Just don’t ask Moose to do a Stanley Cup preview for Detroit. I think Internet Dad would have a heart attack the second it was announced.


Not necessarily more, just with a little more attitude. Maybe like one of the dolphins is wearing a Rastafarian hat or something?


A whole new paradigm!


“Less dolphin rape” never solved anything.


Your search history must be very interesting…

Of course New England will lose in Miami again. It is tradition


Sure, you don’t want to be mean to the nice handicapped kid you have to play all the time. But I don’t blame the P*ts for running up the score against the J-E-S-T, they’re dumb and in a wheelchair, but they’re complete assholes and really deserve the beatdown.