INTERIOR, THE HORSESHOE PUB, LONDON, EC1R 0AG,
Drunk King Hippo: Methinks this will be an excellent match tonight. Gots +240 on Hammerin’ Hank to score. Up the Toffees!!!
Drunk Englishman: UP THE TOFFEES!!!
They both crash their pint glasses into each other and promptly down the amber nectar.
Drunk King Hippo: MADAM BARKEEP! TWO MORE FOR ME AND ME MATE!
Drunk Englishman: Fer a bloody yank, yer nae half bad!
Drunk Hippo: Tanks! Yer beer is teh tits!
Balls and tWBS walk into the bar and look around. It doesn’t take them long to find teh Drunk Hippo.
Balls: Looks like he’s made friends.
tWBS: Yup. Not surprising. For as much as he’s a recluse, he’s a sociable recluse.
Balls and tWBS walk up to Hippo and tap him on the shoulder. Hippo turns around and see tWBS.
Hippo: I KNOW YOU!
tWBS (hugging Hippo): What’s up, hermit? Nice to see you’re having fun!
Hippo: Oh, yeah! Despite popular opinion, room temperature beer is quite nice!
Balls: Right? Good to see you, Hippo!
Hippo: BALLS!! IAN, MEET MY INVISIBLE FRIEND BALLS!
Drunk Englishman now identified as Ian: Yer name’s balls?!? Can I call ye bollocks?
Balls: Whatever you want, man. Nice to meet you.
Ian: Barkeep! A pint fer me bollocks!!
Balls (to tWBS): I’ll kill you if you start calling me “Bollocks” on this trip.
tWBS (laughing): Whatever you say, bolly!
Balls: Fuck. So it starts.
THREE HOURS AND MULTIPLE PINTS LATER
Balls (to tWBS): Um, so maybe we should head to the hotel?
tWBS: Now? The night’s just getting started!
Balls: Yeah, but I’m tired. I hardly slept, remember?
tWBS (to the bartender): Mary, do you have a ShopVac?
Bartender Mary: What, pray tell, is that, luv?
tWBS: It’s a… eh don’t worry about it. Can we settle up, please? (to Balls): Your vagina will have to stay sandy until we get to the hotel and shower, ok?
tWBS gets the bill from Mary. He gives her his card, she runs it, and he signs the paper. After Mary gives him his copy, he notices that she has written a bunch of numbers on it.
tWBS (to Balls): Dude, what is this?
Balls (looking at receipt): Are you fucking kidding me?!? It’s her phone number.
INTERIOR, TINY HOTEL ROOM, SOMEWHERE IN CENTRAL LONDON
Slightly Less Drunk Hippo: Yes?
Balls: What is this?
Hippo: That’s your room.
Balls: Where’s the bathroom?
Hippo: I’m pretty sure it’s down the hall to the left.
Hippo: I got a great deal on it!
Balls: I would hope so! Where is your room?
Hippo: I think they got us all lined up next to each other. Lemme check… Yup, first it’s you, then tWBS, then me.
Balls: Ok, I guess… Goodnight!
Balls enters his room and lays down on the bed. It is lumpy and uncomfortable.
Balls: Fuck me!
1:04 AM – LONDON TIME
Balls is awakened by the combination of having to take a shit and a loud moaning sound coming from tWBS’s room. It’s Bartender Mary.
Balls (muttering half asleep): I can’t believe that asshole is getting laid again. I also can’t believe I have to walk outside my fucking room to take a dump….
Balls walks out the door and turns towards the bathroom. As he passes tWBS’ room, he hears Bartender Mary moaning in ecstasy. Apparently, tWBS has hit the right spot because she keeps saying, “Right there right there”. She confirms that is the correct location by screaming “YES YES YES YES OH FUCK YES!”
Balls shakes his head and keeps walking. Hippo is snoring like a freight train. Luckily, no one is using the communal bathroom at one in the morning, so he’s able to take a shit in relative comfort. Relative, of course, because his ass is still sore from the Icelandic cavity search.
As he finishes, he looks around for the toilet paper. There is no roll.
Balls: What the…?
Balls looks under the sink. No roll. Balls starts to look around the entire bathroom, in a panic. There are no rolls. No squares. Nothing.
To top off Balls’ dilemma, the aforementioned Icelandic cavity search had left his sphincter a bit…. weakened. So, it wasn’t a clean cut, so to speak.
Given no other option, Balls proceeds to take off his t-shirt and tears it into strips. He cleans up with the available strips and disposes of them in the tiny trash bin. He manages to get completely clean, but there is nothing left to put on.
Clad in only his underwear,
he washes his hands and walks back to his room. Bartender Mary is still singing tWBS’ praises and is now even more energetic and affirmative.
At that point, Balls realizes that he left his key in the room.
Balls: Oh fuck!!
Balls weighs the options at hand. He can go down to the lobby, but the likelihood is that the hotel does not have someone on duty 24 hours a day. In fact, now that he thinks about it, the hotel DOES NOT have someone on duty 24 hours a day because the front door can only be opened with a hotel key and the elevator can only function with a hotel key.
Balls (looking down at the carpet next to his door): Hello, old friend!
With the soothing sounds of Bartender Mary’s orgasms in his ears, Balls drifts off to sleep.
To Be Continued…