Request Line: In Good Hands

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
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INT. RECORDING STUDIO – DAY

The PRODUCER is seated at the console, setting things up for the day’s show.  DJ 3000 relaxes nearby. 

DJ 3000: So who’s the guest for today?

PRODUCER: [looks up] Oh, actually it’s quite the get.

DJ 3000: We’re closing out the season in style?

PRODUCER: Very much so.

RECEPTIONIST: [via intercom] Your guest for today is here.

PRODUCER: Wonderful, wonderful.  Send him in.

— [door flies open] —

The PRODUCER looks up from the console as he continues to hit buttons and slide controls into position. 

PRODUCER: Mr. Kraft, welcome, thank you so much for joining us.  I just have a couple adjustments left to make before…

BOB KRAFT: [dreamily watching the PRODUCER work as though hypnotized] My God.  That’s amazing.

PRODUCER: Oh, it’s not as complex as it looks, there’s just a few…

KRAFT: No, no, your hands!  The way your they fly around that console.  Such dexterity!  [gets a faraway look in his eyes] Why, with hands like that you, you could…

PRODUCER: [finishes setting things up and stands]  All set!  If you could just head into the booth…

KRAFT: First, a handshake.

PRODUCER: [uncomfortably] Uh…okay.

The PRODUCER offers his hand for a handshake, and BOB KRAFT grasps it with both of his own hands and holds it firmly.

KRAFT: My goodness.  They feel even more beautiful than they look!

PRODUCER: Um…

KRAFT: [still holding] Such smooth skin.  And what a grip!

PRODUCER: [starting to squirm slightly] Yes, yes, very nice to meet you.

KRAFT: [still holding] You must do some kind of forearm exercises.

PRODUCER: [looks at DJ 3000 for help, who says nothing but a small red light on his console labeled “laughter” begins flashing silently] Just some occasional tennis.  Listen, why don’t we…

KRAFT: You know, we really could use someone with such…strong hands…working for me.

PRODUCER: No, really, I…

KRAFT: In my organization, I mean.  You see, I make a great many investments, and I often find that my advisers are far to eager to exit our positions prematurely.  They have “weak hands”, as it were.  Now, before we get to the radio show, I do have a bit of a special request.

PRODUCER: Well, we’ll see what we can…

KRAFT: If you could just tickle the ring a little bit?

PRODUCER: [glances down at the Super Bowl LIII ring that KRAFT is sporting, glances back up]

KRAFT: No, not that ring.  [winks]

PRODUCER: [is horrified]

KRAFT: [finally releases the PRODUCER’s hand] Ha ha ha ha!  Just a joke, man.  Relax!

PRODUCER: [audibly sighs with relief]

KRAFT: I wasn’t kidding about having a special request, though.  Do you have some gaffer tape?

PRODUCER: Um…sure.

The PRODUCER opens a drawer in his desk and pulls out a roll.  He hands it to KRAFT, who theatrically stretches out a section with a snap, then turns and places it over the video camera on DJ 3000’s front control panel.

DJ 3000: HEY!

KRAFT: Sorry about that, old sport.  But I’ve learned my lesson, and I would prefer not to have any cameras capturing what’s about to happen in here.  [turns to the PRODUCER] Now.  Are you familiar with the expression “knob turner”…?

Today’s topic is “in good hands”.  We’re looking for songs about hands and the things that hands do, like grabbing things, holding on to things, etc.  I’ll get us started with a DOUBLE SHOT from The Smiths.  This is the last Request Line of the season, so there are no limits today. Have at it!

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Law-abiding Raiders fan, pet owner, Los Angeles resident.
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BrettFavresColonoscopy

I’m VERY disappointed that this hasn’t shown up yet:

https://youtube.com/watch?feature=youtu.be&v=wv-34w8kGPM

ThurberHerder

Supposedly a song about, uh ,hand to self therapy

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dkpgz3uQ58U

ThurberHerder
ThurberHerder
ThurberHerder

They were great live, but the recorded vocals…. well they’re an acquired taste
I actually bought their album at a show and rather than admit my disappointment I learned to like it

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BKdspWe-KdQ

ThurberHerder
King Hippo

I can’t believe this is till on the board. My twin 18-year olds LOVE this band. Yes, it’s more than a little disturbing.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hP50WZuE0LI

King Hippo

I was gonna say Anybody who posts Alanis Morissette fucking dies but then I saw tWBS done did. Anyway, here is my offering:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HLUX0y4EptA

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Well, since SonOfSpam has become such a fan, this one goes out to him.

“First thing that I’m gonna do is disclose all those UFOs; put Jimi Hendrix on the $20 bill and Bill Hicks on the 5 note.”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yuphcpY5a5A

Porky Prime

Really, every title could be about Bob…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ec_V5hpZoqI

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Fun fact: the name of this track is something Bob Kraft has ordered before

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KBcJeDeYs0c

SonOfSpam

comment image

nomonkeyfun

You what you can use your hands for…
To:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uIbXvaE39wM

nomonkeyfun

And now for something completely different.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DkpaKx1UUUw

SonOfSpam

In honor of Marv Albert…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0pHeAROucGc

SonOfSpam

Value pick

or

I mean cmon smdh

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jenWdylTtzs

theeWeeBabySeamus

I must bow to you for that one.

SonOfSpam

As long as you’re down there…

theeWeeBabySeamus

OK, don’t get freaky.

nomonkeyfun

Her hands are small, so she won’t make Kraft feel like less of a man.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AfsS3pIDBfw

Porky Prime

Weezer’s was good too…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fR6SKLE8nZM

theeWeeBabySeamus

This might be a stretch, and I’m sure I’ll get “Duded” for this one. But it honestly is one of my favourites.

Lyrics…

I want it all….
I pull you back…
I want it all….

Now feel free to give me shit SoS…but it’s a good song.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5vyZeF_DLq4

SonOfSpam

comment image

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

“Handshakes are nothing but a total ‘fuck you!'”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=czrMPdsf4Xg

Porky Prime
SonOfSpam
SonOfSpam

The Darkness lead singer is a wonderful lunatic

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hI9eVW4cTR8

theeWeeBabySeamus
Porky Prime

Dude, I put up the Left Banke.

theeWeeBabySeamus

So you’re saying we can share a room at the retirement home?

Porky Prime

Hobos! Life on the road!

Yes, with a “b”.

Porky Prime

Uninteresting fact: I once purchased The Left Banke’s greatest hits.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IxuDAipNA5o

SonOfSpam

So…Walk Away Renee and, like, other stuff.

Porky Prime

That may have been the name of the collection.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
SonOfSpam

Dammit, if you don’t post the Clutch song, I might have to.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

I certainly encourage you to.

Although this was an easy setup for a DOUBLE SHOT and I’m especially disappointed in Seamus for not queuing it up.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XmIqIVxUuKs

SonOfSpam

The Kraft masseuse theme song.

SonOfSpam
SonOfSpam

Bob Kraft never said this. Ever.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5XcKBmdfpWs

SonOfSpam
theeWeeBabySeamus

Ladies and Gentlemen….Mr. Conway Twitty.
(Yes I’m LMFAO’ing right now)
((I hope you get the reference))
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_LpnL-RLJrc

Porky Prime

Truly this is one of the most cringe-worthy songs of all time.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I can’t disagree. But running Conway Twitty joke on Family Guy always cracks me up.

Porky Prime

I actually like “Hello Darlin.”. Out of the 12,000 country/Western songs written from the perspective of a guy running into his old girlfriend and having a sad one-sided conversation, it may be the best.

yeah right
SonOfSpam
nomonkeyfun

I feel ill for posting a song of theirs, but time for a double shot. No Stevie, not a double shot of that powder over there.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E0sha1XfHxw

Porky Prime

Perhaps Bob Kraft’s theme song…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FhYllr-udNc

ALXMAC

Dude.

SonOfSpam

The Producer has too much Kraft on his hands

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5XcKBmdfpWs

SonOfSpam

DJ 3000’s “laughter” light is killing me. Pervy Kraft is killing me. The Producer is about to have a bad time.