Sometimes, everything sucks all at once. This was my sportsball weekend. Thanks for showing me you can get darker, Darkest Timeline.
Did you know that Stephen Gostkowski missed TWO extra points yesterday? I mean, the P*ts still won 43-fucking-0, so maybe it escaped your attention. Shit, even if you took all the offensive scores off the board, they would have almost covered the spread. 19-0, here we come. Use all the lube you want, it still gon’ hurt.
Same thing applies to AARP vice-president and Humps placements man Adam Vinateri, though WAY more noticeable in a 19-17 squeaker win in Tennessee. Lucky for him, Mariota and pals came up short on a late 4th down conversion, meaning no chance at a winning FG. Both QBs were under 5.5 YPA this game, but Brissett at least hit for three scores. Very AFC South.
Such also applies to Jaguras/500s, with Duval’s Finest doing nothing almost all day, then striking for a late TD, making it 13-12. As the coach of the shittier team, Doug Marrone correctly went for 2. However, Horny Fourny came up like 2 inches short. Brittfar can empathize.
At exactly the same score, Vic Fangio (again, with the shittier team) also went for two, but after a series of ridiculous events (delay of game, then missing a kicked try, but with Chi**** offside) MADE it, for a 14-13 lead. Flacco actually WAS elite on the last drive. But a series of even screwier events got Piniero in range for a 53-yarder at the gun, which he made. Not talking about this any further. FUCK OFF, you can’t make me.
The other two late fixtures were ones that only BLEERGH could love, and love them He did. Mahomes got all of KC’s points in a series of 2nd quarter bombs. Pre-Vegas spent their wad in Q1, but 28 >> 10, and the Raiders are back in the dumpster where they belong. Josh Jacobs is good, though. Finally, something to build upon, or to trade away for the next round of non-sense.
And yes, of course, N’Awlins got screwed out of a fumble return TD which likely would have turned the game on its head. But with Breesus Christ dying for our thumb sins on the sideline, there was fuckall they could do otherwise. 27-9 Rams, but trust Hippo – they are nowhere near what they were in 2017-18. It’s quite possible that the NFC has NO good teams.
Closest things to it? I guess Fightin’ Tomsulas and Non-Gendered Cowpersons. But they really have beaten up on the sisters of the poor. Still, Santa Clara looks to have a legitimate “punch one in the mouth” defense, while DAK DAK DAK DAK! is much more dynamic under a modern offense. The Redacteds and the Bungles may commence playing for 2021.
Green Bay beat the Vikes 21-16, despite going into near-hibernation on offense. But between Dan Bailey and Captain Dingleberry fucking up as much as humanly possible, it didn’t really matter. You can’t win with that assdick under center. PHRASING. I wouldn’t call the Packers GOOD – but they might be a rich man’s version of Santa Clara. We’ll see.
Fuck Lions and Spanoi played one derpy fucking game, with both sides seemingly going up and down the field at will, but with a final score of DET 13, x-SD 10. Cheap-ass Spanoi went with their punter kicking placements the 2nd week in a row, and it bit ’em this time. Fat, drunk Matt Prater also missed an extra point and manageable FG. Just wretched stuff. Oh, and week 1 fantasy hero Austin Ekeler fumbled inside the 1. Oops.
Breesus wasn’t the only ded QB out there, as The Ben got a shoulder owie that could see him away from his beloved Call of Duty for a few weeks, minimum. BDSM State alumnus Mason Rudolph was serviceable in relief, but the SeaTruthers converted a late 4th and 1 to cement the 28-26 road win. Both these teams are shit, but one is 2-0, while the other is 0-2. Life, eh?
You can’t talk of “shit” very long without mentioning the New York Football Giants. Somehow, Brokeback QB managed not to hit the 300 yard mark, but that seemed mostly due to game script. Saquon had a buck-seven and a score, which is nice if inconsequential.
Arizona, unlike Miami, continues to try really, really hard (and hey, they are basically a (fake) college squadron). That kept them within one score of the Ratbirds in Balmer, but they never really threatened when they got the ball in position to take the lead. Then, Lamar! kept converting on the last possession, until kneeldown time inside the Qardinals’ 10. Survivor pool EXHALE.
Is that all? I think so, at least for me. I ain’t watching the Bird Battle on SNF. Judge that for yourselves. Again, FUCK YOU. You can’t make me.
See everyone next week, on the road to 19-0 and a 4-TD Owl triumph over Janeane Garofolo. You know it’s coming. No reason to live in denial.