Balls on ASSignment: Thursday Night Football Review Week Six

Welcome back! Last night, the NFL decided we had had enough close quality games and decided to force feed the nation the not-at-all anticipated matchup of the Patriots vs the Giants.

True, the Giants have beaten the Patriots in two Super Bowls, but this wasn’t a Super Bowl and Eli has been sent to a corner to think about what he’s done.

For those of you that stayed up with us and participated in the Live Blog, you saw Fox trying to desperately give this game relevance by referencing the two Super Bowls constantly.

It didn’t help. What did make my night was discovering that everyone’s favourite Party Boy, Rob “Blutarski/Gronk” Gronkowski can not only speak in complete sentences, but was actually quite articulate!

Seriously, I’m impressed.

As for the game, it was suspenseful in the 80s horror movie sense. You think maybe there’s a chance something different will happen this time, but eventually it always ends up the same.

Like, maybe Freddy Krueger WON’T kill all the topless coeds in their sleep tonight? Nope, they’re gone. And really, that’s what you came to see…

Here are your highlights:

As noted previously, during the game attentions tend to wander and we get into some interesting topics. Namely, Pornhub search terms. So, in the interest of educating the DFO audience and the public at large, here is your weekly Pornhub search term results report.

Search Term: “gum chewing asshole”

Requestor: BFC

Results: 1562

Report: I swear, I learn so many things from you fine folks! For instance, I had no idea that watching people chewing gum while being naked or participating in sexual acts was such a popular thing! However, the most interesting thing I discovered is that there is such a thing as a Chew Five Gum Porn Parody. Don’t believe me? Click on “How to chew five gum” or “How it feels to chew 5 gum“. Coincidentally, the latter video features a magnifying glass strapped to a girl’s ass enlarging the view of her asshole making chewing motions.

Score: The “How it feels to chew 5 gum” video fit the search term to a T. 100%

***

Search Term: “moist cake”

Requestor: ArmedandHammered

Results: 1695

Report: I also did not know that “moist cake” is an urban dictionary term for “wet vagina”. Frankly, knowing that, I would have expected a lot more results, but then I was surprised when we got quite a few results for a large and in charge black porn star named Victoria Cakes and, on the second page of results, a video titled “Farting on a cake“. Yes, that’s exactly what it shows: A naked blonde girl farting on a cake.

Score: 2. 10 if you like farting on cakes.

***

Search Term: “pony”

Requestor: Redshirt

Results: 1110

Report: Why was I surprised to see a TON of animated videos featuring My Little Pony doing nasty things with other ponies? There were a couple of live action videos featuring people with ponytail buttplugs, but the vast, and I mean VAST, majority of the videos were animated porn. Yes, there were the Genuwine-style pony videos as well, but really this was all My Little Pony.

Score: This is Redshirt’s world and we’re just  masturbating in it.

***

Search Term: “A Windmill and a Hole-In-One”

Requestor: Brick Meathook

Results: 1740

Report: So, Pornhub saw the word “Hole” and just RAN WITH IT. You’ve got pussy holes, mouth holes, ass holes, no holes barred, and, of course, glory holes. Glory holes were, in fact, quite popular as they accounted for quite a lot of videos. Oh, and how can I forget “Femdom Anal Instructions – Do all orders and Eat cum from your sissy hole“? Luckily, the very next result was a clip from a Friends porn parody titled “The One with Rachel, Monica, and Phoebe’s Threeway“. That was excellent.

Score: 10 guilders. No windmills were seen anywhere. Very disappointed.

***

Finally, we had:

Search Term: “Elizabeth Warren Cougar”

Requestor: BFC

Results: 1688

Report: Is it weird that a small part of me wanted to see if there was an Elizabeth Warren porn parody? Like, I was expecting Nina Hartley wearing a business suit, some long black stockings, maybe a black leather corset? Is that too much to ask for?

Predictably, the search focused on cougars which are, of course, older women. Fine by me. I likey those gals! It was interesting to see a lot of results for women named “Elizabeth”. That doesn’t seem like a very Porn-ey name, does it? NOW COMING TO THE STAGE, GIVE IT UP FOR…. ELIZABETH!

There was one video where we are informed that “Mrs. Warren is a Swinger Hotwife”, but it’s a young blonde. I’m pretty sure she would sweep The South if it was really her…

Score: 45+

***

That’s been your Thursday Night Football Review! Make sure to write in the comments any search terms you want me to look up and report on next week. See you next Friday!

(125/69)

ballsofsteelandfury

ballsofsteelandfury

International Member of the Geelong Cats and recovering Steelers fan. Likes Butts. And Balls. And Boobs. Pretty much anything that starts with the letter B. Preferably together.
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Unsurprised

on the second page of results, a video titled “Farting on a cake“. Yes, that’s exactly what it shows: A naked blonde girl farting on a cake.

Before she won an Oscar, Brie Larson’s character on United States of Tara became a (clothed) cake-sitting camgirl in campy Viking cosplay.

https://thumbs.gfycat.com/CarefreeUnpleasantDamselfly-mobile.mp4

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Captain Marvel indeed

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I have never farted on a cake. Should I?

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!

Your turds will smell funfetti for a day or two so why not

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Beats the other method to get that: clown pegging

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!

That’s how you end up under a porch in Chicagoland

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

And memorialized in a shitty painting

yeah right

DJ TAJ does some gig work for a company that does floral arrangements and he said he’s got a gig Saturday night. Said it was for a bar mitzvah.

I asked him “What part of Hollywood?”

He cracked up.

It’s off of Highland.

nomonkeyfun

There is a Hillary Clinton lesbian porn parody. It stars Nina Hartley as Clinton, Lily Cade as Rachel Maddow, Aaliyah Love as Megyn Kelly, and Lotus Lain as Michelle Obama.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

There has got to be more than one

nomonkeyfun

I’m sure there is. But I’ll have to do more “research” to find out if they are any good.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

“Farting on the cake” was how one of my college roommates referred to spoiling a good time. I have sent him a link to this fine article as proof that not everyone takes it as a negative.