Your “It’s Almost Over And We Learned So Little” Sunday Afternoon NFL Football Open Thread

Shall we get right at it? We shall.

TO THE GAMES!

Jets/Bills:

[shakes head] The Jets won 6 games? How? Anyhow, it’s not a far reach to posit that as a kid, Josh Allen must have thrived during ‘unstructured playtime’.

Browns/Bengals:

Much like Sex Panther, this game smells like Bigfoot’s dick. One must give Cincy props though, they dug themselves into a giant hole and now they have a Burrow.

Packers/Detroit:

December 29, 2019-mark this day as the last time you’ll ever hear the name David Blough. “He did his best, but his best was not nearly good enough”.

Chargers/Chiefs:

As noted last week, the Chiefs suddenly Hetty Green-like D (only an average of 9.6 points given up over the last 5 games) throws a spanner in the works of the playoffs. The Chargers now enter their “Eli Phase” whereby a clearly ineffective player long past his prime insists he can still play and the powers that be think it would be poor form to force him into retirement/bench him.

Bears/Vikes:

Minny is locked into the #6 seed so look for them to rest some dudes. By keeping Truth Biscuit behind center, Chicago fans can look forward to the O spinning its wheels for at least the next few years.

Fins/Inveterate Cheaters:

Brady has stuck his dick in Miami’s blowhole 15 times at home and has only been denied the one time. Many kudos to coach Flores for a job well done, despite every single member of the front office and ownership handcuffing him every step of the way.

Falcons/Bucs:

I’m sure that if I left this game out of the intro not a soul would have noticed. That said, Jameis will throw a pic in his 1st or 2nd series-it’s kind of a good luck thing with him. It ensures that he’ll toss a few more along the way to 350+ yards.

Saints/Panthers:

New Orleans will put this one to bed and then watch the Niners to see if they end up as the #1 or #2 seed.

Type to your heart’s content below.

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Dunstan

Never before has a 5-11 team served America so well. Good job, Fins.

Game Time Decision

Even as a Packer fan, I was hoping for a doink there from Crosby

King Hippo

Not only a WC, but if the Tits win – they are a nightmare matchup for New England.

Dunstan

Classic Jameis Winston finish.

King Hippo

penicillin-resistant!

TheRevanchist

44% completion percentage and 3 INTs is just a normal weekend for a Browns QB. No surprise there.

TheRevanchist

Apparently I cannot “vote” for my own comment, but damn this comment needs love because it’s damn true.

TheRevanchist

I love me. That’s why.

TheRevanchist

Mahomes calling the San Diego team a good team is just lip service.

Mistborn Impossible

Saying the Right Things sure is boring but the masses on twitter eat that shit up

TheRevanchist

Twitter is poison to the soul in so many ways. I’ve been on there less and less and my self-esteem has finally stabilized.

Mistborn Impossible

TEH PATRIOTS ARE SLUMMING IT IN A WILD CARD GAME THIS YEAR! HAHHAHAHAHA WOOHOO

Spur

His job was to tank, identify talent and build a foundation.

King Hippo

They should draft Tua, redshirt him, and give the Bearded One another season.

Spur

Pats vs Raiders next week. Raiders win with a career ending injury to Brady on a tuck rule play

King Hippo

Realistically, that play ended 7 seconds earlier, on Dreamboat’s illegal 2nd forward pass.\

BRIAN FLORES, COACH OF THE DECADE. FIGHT ME!!!!

TheRevanchist

Proud of that Miami team for not rolling over after the front office did their best to fuck them.

Dunstan

Keep hitting Brady, Fins.

Redshirt

…and that may be the end of the Freddie Kitchens’ Error in Cleveland.

Gatoraids

Cleveland will hire Gordon Ramsey as head coach cuz they like Kitchen Nightmares

TheRevanchist

Cleveland has been an error for so long, I can’t even put the blame on him.

Gatoraids

All those draft positions lost like tears in the rain but worth to ruin the Patriots

TheRevanchist

Was that suppose to be a slide? Rivers is so inept.

bk109

Toldja that weird shit happens when we play Miami 😀 Also, I shit you not, I’m currently googling fucking forks, ’cause I hate white tie events

bk109

Ok, WHAT THE FUCK IS A RELISH FORK?!

litre_cola

Weird, Mrs Cola just cam up to me to open a jar of relish.

Gumbygirl

Just use whatever fork the classiest mofo at the table is using.

bk109

That was the plan, but both the classiest and most dignified people are equally stumped. In fact one told the other (after surrepticiously image-searched one of the forks) “What the fuck is an asparagus fork?!”

bk109

Wait, isn’t that in Miami?
Edit: Holy shit?! That’s at Foxborough?! What the fucking Christ is happening?! That’s off-script, damn it!

ArmedandHammered

Nope, awaiting the boos in Foxboro. This is better than Christmas morning.

bk109

I’ll have to watch the carnage later… I guess… In a morbid sort of way. Also, apparently one of the forks is just for fucking asparagus…. FML

ArmedandHammered

And do not forget the pickle fork!

bk109

Not funny.. Apparently there’s a cold meats fork and a meats fork… Honestly, at this point I’d bolt if it wasn’t work-related. Only reprieve is that more than one of us smokes cigars, so I have a socially-acceptable place to check my phone 😀

ArmedandHammered

My MIL had a melt down that we did not have a pickle fork on the table at a holiday meal. Was trying to help you out.

ArmedandHammered

And we did not have an olive spoon either, but then I am happy to live as an uncultured heathen.

bk109

On the bright side, it’d appear that most of the people under 50 here are equally in the dark (and ready and willing to stage a revolt and just use whatever’s handy as me), but unfortunately no one seems to be willing to be first. Starvation and hangriness awaits, lol 😀 …

Also have fun y’all, I’ll hopefully be around later(ish) for y’all to rub my nose into the shitpile my Pats laid tonight 😀

King Hippo

NOPE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TheRevanchist

Brady is going to have some refs fired.

King Hippo

OH. MAH. GAWD!!!!!

King Hippo

Andy – you must NOT KICK HERE

litre_cola

Need a td.

King Hippo

Depending on how WC weekend plays out, we could get P*ts/Bills 3 in the Divisional Round. Bet the winner takes all.

litre_cola

That’s crazy

King Hippo

Not that it matters, but the Chefs are cocking things up.

King Hippo

Goddamn, the amount of jerking off re a screen pass I COULD HAVE THROWN

Redshirt

God, referees suck nowadays. I could tell Beckham Jr. was in from the camera angle from the opposite sidelines.

King Hippo

It’s really the hope that kills one.

litre_cola

I could go for a coma for a few months. Just a nice long sleep.

King Hippo

probably be quite refreshing

ArmedandHammered

I wonder how much they charge for a 6 month medically induced coma, lose weight and wake up close to the start of the new football season.

Unsurprised

If you have to ask. Otherwise there’d be more commercials than for GEICO.

Unsurprised

I’m going to start using my building’s gym and trying to diet again. I’m sick of this shit. I also had an online friend nearly die after Thanksgiving from untreated diabetes because he was too poor to see a doctor. I don’t have that excuse, but I also know that it’s a serious risk and that I’m sick of being fat.

Anyway, have fun. Fuck the P*ts.

Unsurprised

comment image

King Hippo

I’m tired of being fat too. Working on it starting tomorrow. ENGAGE JUICER!!!

Unsurprised

DFO health club. I hated being the fattest guy at the LA meetup because you know there’s going to be one in a group of football fans, but being that guy kind of sucks.

King Hippo

Just no Peloton bullshit! That’s where we start the bloodletting lists!

King Hippo

TRIVIA! A draw is just as good as a win for the P*ts.