Joyous of joys, we have playoff picture clarity, and got to see each and every team DERP to the finish line (with various degrees of comedia).
The early window contained lots and lots of mailing it in. We will breeze through most of this “action” fairly quickly. BUT NOT ALL!!!
Sean McDermott wisely didn’t trust Brokeback QB to play things safe, and pulled him after one drive. Sadly, his backup is no longer wilderness fashion icon J Peterman. Oh, those were some hilarious days. As was, nobody fucking cared one bit, and Noo Yawk gets the 13-6 road win.
Kenny Rogers once reminded humanity “you got to know when to fold ’em” – well before our misadventures in Iraq! Our Black Panthers decided that time was “December” – as they laid down completely at home to the Saints. Let’s just say it was a very relaxing FITBAW weekend in Louisiana. 42-10, “everybody but grinding McCaffery into dust for no reason” mercy rules in full effect.
Chi**** at the Vikings, nothing to play for. But we can has SAFETY!! That’s nifty. 11-6 Bearistocrats! at the half?? blows chef kiss 21-19 Bearistocrats fin?? Trust Hippo – that was 21 the VERY hard way.
It intermittently looked like Fuck You Dolphin! would do humanity (and the Chefs) a yuuuuuuuggggge favour, taking a 10-nil lead in Foxboro. And 17-10 in Q3. Then 20-17 in Q4. AAAAAANNNNNNDDDDD….go ahead TD with 24 seconds to play???!!!!! Things ended NOT predictably, but with a hopeless P*ts gadget play (technically, with an uncalled Brady illegal, 2nd forward pass – but whatevs, that just meant a few extra hits he took). MASSIVE SIGH OF HAPPY. Fish 27, (Sideline) Sex Tape Has-Beens 24.
Brian Flores and his entire staff deserve the biggest ball of credit humanly possible. That was just an immense coaching job, getting that jalopy to 5-11. And beating the P*ts in New England for THE FIRST TIME EVAR WITH BELICHEAT AND DREAMBOAT PARTICIPATING. When they absolutely had to have a win to credibly be Superb Owl contenders. A long, hard road now awaits. I am most definitively not counting them out, but it would take the best coaching jerb of Belicheat’s career. Brady is just TOO DONE.
Falcons’ GM and head coach somehow saved their jerbs, even before the meaningless trip to MRSA-land. On said journey, JPP turned the match around with his nubbins. Inspirational to all moe-rons who blow off they goddamned fingers playing with fireworks. As a fully functional adult. But Younghoe >>> Gay kicker, and that limped things into OT. How would things end? On a Rapey Jameis “stare my guy down like a high school sophomore” Pick Six walk-off. 28-22, ATL. An NFL-record SEVENTH Pick Six for that fuckhead this season.
Bay of Green already looked like the shakiest non-NFC Least division champion. Then they went to Detroit and shat just EVERYWHERE. Amusing. There was indeed sommet of a 2nd half comeback, and yeah the Liouns eventually cucked. 23-20, but there was nothing impressive in this display. But it was surely bye earning, and that is hugely terribad for N’Awlins.
Clippers du Merde predictably showed up to make sure Kansas City had no shot to get a LOLfin-induced bye week. NEVAR bet their games, they is a complete mystery box. Still lost, though – Honey Badger (and Mecole Hardman) ain’t care about King Laserface’s fee-fees. Kansas City took the ball down the field for a kill-shot TD, and white-knuckled a 31-21 victory. The AFC West will miss those delightful tantrums, though. #2 seed, you are in Andy Reid’s husky grasp.
Good old Beatie Mixon wanted to make sure his pals at least got Joint Custody of Ohio. #ThePauls just wanted 2019 to end. 2 MOAR days, fellas. All good, 33-23 Striped Pylons. Red Rocket (presumably) leaves town on a high note. Redshirt should put in any computer dating profiles – Commitment?? I watched Cincy/Cleveland in WEEK 17!!
Into the late afternoon we roll. Buttchinski and the 500s were playing solely to troll DonT’s beloved. Resting key starters, including QB. They got off to a good start, but Erotic Smashmouth punched back. There would have been Karmic reasons to enjoy an Oakland visit to Foxboro, but the Tits always had the best chance of actually beating those bastards. I still ain’t convinced Tanny Fanny is actually good, but he sure is shit hot – and maybe the right man at the right moment for Tennessee. 35-14, Tits get the 6th and final AFC ducat. ¡Viva El Tractorcito!
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! and the Qardinals managed to close out the Coliseum without sacrificing any Christians, at least none that DFO can verify at press time. I mean, Kurt Warner would have represented a 3-fer! This game was an affront to God and Man, but L.A. won, 31-24, after that sweet Brett Hundley garbage time.
Jaguras/Humps had potential ramifications for the Raiders’ quadruple bankshot, and definitive ramifications who over/under bet Indy at 7.5 wins. There were some fun things in this’un, long FGs, and Duuuuuvvvvvaaaal placement kicker Josh Lambo doing a “slip ‘n’ slide” on the wet turf. I saw like 2 plays of the second half here. Who gives a fuck, I don’t bet season O/Us. Jags win 38-20.
Ratbirds and Yinzers met in the merry bogs of Merry-Land. Sloppy game was sloppy. Ducks was hunted. One last time (presumably). No Miss Congeniality Prize, 8-8 they finish. Balmer B 28, Yinzburgh A- 10.
Wave to two HippoSpawn, at the New Mile High to see Donks WOO!!!! try to defeat the hated Raiders, for the last time as Oakland representatives (at least until the next Davis family tantrum). Per Rikki (who was paying better attention), That’s His Raiders! managed 3 points in the first half, despite NEVAR punting. Anyway, Horse Cock Lock and friends held on, 16-15. On a 2-point stop with 7 seconds to play, all because of one cro magnon asshole faking it as a professional left tackle. OAK needed like 4 results in the late window to make the playoffs. They got zero. But at least Chucky didn’t force me to stroke out/pull a Kubes during OT. And yes, the officiating went decidedly in Denver’s way.
EDITORIAL NOTE – GARRET BOLLES MUST BE CUT AS SOON AS CAP RULES MAKE SENSIBLE, OR PERHAPS FIRED INTO THE SUN. THIS WAS LIKE HIS EIGHTH MAJOR TRANSGRESSION, AND IF MIKE MUNCHAK CAN’T FIX HIM, HE AIN’T FIXABLE.
That leaves the NFC Least shitshow. Halftime leads of 7 para los Iggles, 10 for the Non-Gendered Bovine Persons. Shout out for Game Time Decision, helping DFO to #IntensifyTehWoke. Our highest goal, as ya noe. I pined for someone to pull of the Draw, but I was equitably sated for the afternoon. Give it up to the Dacteds and Gigantes, they suck out loud – but they tried. DAL pulled away to make it a laugher late, but no matter (Iggles ended up 34-17, too). Philly will host the disheartened SeaTruthers in the Wild Card, Bitches! round. Everyone in the Iggles 2-deep, outside of Dakota Jeebus, is basically a walk-on at this point. Slightest of exaggerations only. But that Tinier Darren is a revelation. They will have much better of a chance for one (and ONLY one) win than likely to be given credit for.
A’ight, SNF is a biggie to end all biggies, Janeane leading her Fightin’ Tomsulas into the lair of the Twaaaalllllves (including our own Beer-type Guy, eh?). Remember that Santa Clara surrendered a sure tie to go for the home win in Week 10 OT, and ended up losing. Hindsight being 20/20, they’d like that decision back. But a run-based offense is down to a special teamer and two old dudes off the street (even if one is Beast Mode). That seemed to ask too much of a beat-up defense and slightly off-kilter Russell Wilson. The first quarter backed up that impression, Tomsulas racing out to a 10-zip lead, through liberal doses of Mostert, Kittle, and the toss sweep to Deebo! Santa Clara bogged down in the red zone on a long Q2 drive, but their FG outweighed Seattle’s nothin’ – when Lynch got stuffed on 4th and inches near the SF 30. That Beast Mode narrative didn’t look promising. (Second half will be mostly-live blogged.)
But halftime adjustments really made a difference. Tomsulas failed to do anything with the opening kick, then got knocked off balance (then played too soft) defensively. Wilson improvised, stayed JUST behind the LOS, and boom, 13-7. Baby Shanny’s move, and he dials up the FB fly route. Yeah, that will surprise folks. Worked to perfection. Mostert walked it in 4 plays later, 19-7 (the two fails). Tomsulas kept scoring JUST enough, but not making stops on 3rd down. Which kept the pressure vise-like, to me. Plus, time of possession flipped, HARD. You had the feeling Wilson would keep making plays, and Ms. Garafalo would make that one critical mistake. Numerous quick throws lead us to 19-14, just under 10 to play. But the machine rolled on, 4 minutes off the clock, 26-14. Carroll would have to adjust tempo and/or get a 3-and-out (or even convert an inside kick). Because Garafalo and company wouldn’t stop scoring the necessary 6/7. Had they just been held to a FG, the halftime adjustments would have done the trick. They were quite effective.
So…up went the tempo, and a 3rd down stop gets negated by penalty. 3:36? 26-21. Gotta run the clock out, Tomsulas. You give it back, you’ll lose. Especially after botching the short kickoff. Samuel makes the wrong cut on 2nd and 7, and the center screws up with a personal foul. They gonna lose. 4th and 1, you MUST go for it. MUST. Baby Shanny punts, Baby Shanny loses. That will end the Superb Owl dreams of Santa Clara and greater environs. Too scared to make a yard. Just like against the Falcons. And Russell drove the ball down like a virtuoso, because he is.
Until Petey got a delay of game from the 1-foot line (after the spike). Incomplete, then DPI not called on 3rd down (meh), then an inch and a half SHORT on 4th down. Criminy. Some trading of stupids, but it sure as fuck made for good dramatics. 9 seconds, so Janeane has to sneak it out…and does so perfectly. What a sucker punch. Game of inches, indeed.
Your Final AFC Playoff Ordering:
1) BAL; 2) KC; 3) NE; 4) HOU(i); 5) BUF; 6) TN
Your Final NFC Playoff Ordering:
1) SF(SC); 2) GB; 3) NO; 4) PHI; 5) SEA; 6) MN
The NFL has ample flaws, but you can’t say it’s boring. Not in 2019, and hopefully not in the coming month-ish. Keep on enjoying the ride, however long it may last. And Fuck the P*ts. Pardon any nonsense, a series of poor life decisions led to my being awake from 9:50a on Saturday, through near midnight tonight. It’s a good thing my career needs little attention at present. 😀