MY WAR AGAINST THE BURDS

I recently put grass seed down on some bare patches on my lawn. The front and the back. They must be watered regularly and, most of all, they can’t be eaten by an army of filthy, thieving air rats. AKA birds. The little striped headed ones. The eyes of this tiny bastard give it away. He cares not for your soul, only for what he can take from your body.

The Birds. Good movie. Terrifying reality. We all know from that film that birds’ brain pans aren’t big enough to band together and outsmart us.

While that may be true, it does not mean they cannot defeat a single man in battle over his grass seeds. Wars are sometimes won by sheer force of numbers. Others by overwhelming air superiority. The birds have both of these advantages and I have but one disinterested canine and my own extremely limited ingenuity and persistence.

Because of this, The birds are prohibitive favourites.

Things had been going just fine for days after the seed went down. Bliss. Sun, beer, whisky, the hope of a new day full of grass. No little stripe-headed birds in sight, just the usual crows and whatnot. However, on day three they began their offensive on the back yard. A swarm of dozens set upon my seed and would surely have annihilated any chance of a lush and full lawn by the end of the day. I had to act fast.

My efforts at appeasement, in the form of bread crumbs flung to the far part of the yard, were ignored. The medium sized black birds have taken my offer, however, so their loyalty to the other birds is apparently bought cheap.

Thankfully the main army has not attempted an assault on the front yard. Possibly due to the assistance granted to me by the kamikaze magnolia petals. Their sacrifice in falling on top of the seeds thus forming a defensive barrier helps not only to keep them moist but also protects them from the ravenous bird onslaught. Make note to discuss Magnolia tree’s loyalty with back yard Walnut tree.

I returned to the back to find it swarming with hungry beaks. It seems soon as I leave the area they regroup and come right back in. They know I can’t catch them. My dog doesn’t give a shit about birds or any other animal. He wants the bread. I’m left with the option to remain at the ready, bursting forth from my back door like an electrified lunatic. I’ll give it a try.

Day four. Scarecrow erected. Sadly, that is a shirt I wear regularly at home. I literally wore the arms out to the point they disintegrated and I cut it down to a short sleeve. Sad in that I now have to wear other, less comfortable/trashy plaid shirts.

Evening. Day four. The scarecrow is definitely working. Almost total elimination of little birds with striped heads eating the grass seeds. My neighbours will not look me in the eyes. I wonder if they are assisting the small birds.

Night four. Strange loud banging from the attic or similar area. No shit I actually heard sounds like someone smacking a hammer down. Terrifying. I had been imbibing but I trust my mind had not completely deserted me. I don’t claim to know whether ghosts exist but I was damn near convinced the scarecrow had taken on a sinister energy. Either that or the birds are planning to make a move further into the homestead. One can only guess what they have planned for me if they breach the walls.

Increased rye to mix percentage. Add to list as Possible Solution. Note that all possible solution lists I’ve ever made include increasing rye percentage.

Day Five. The scarecrow is the weapon I needed. My neighbours now think I’m completely insane but the grass seed will survive. My only take away is that the boost in rye consumption has worked. Where once a dozen winged marauders gorged on my defenceless seeds now when I open the door to scare them away it is often bereft of enemy combatants. Sometimes one or two of the more brazen sorts have ventured onto the patch. Perhaps scouting the reaction time of the stick man with the purple ladies hat.

Day Six. Stepping up patrols seems to have almost eliminated any incursions from the bird horde. There appears to be small, green, grass-like sprouts bursting forth from their seedy armour. Victory is mine.