Beerguyrob is off tonight. The last time I subbed, I wished for BGR to be rollicking in mirth. Rob ended up having a partially dislocated shoulder and Riga blew out her ACL. So for tonight, Beerguyrob: I hope your mother is redecorating her place and slathers the guilt on so thick that you end up being her sounding board for every rug, curtain, and tile alternatives. Never say I don’t luv ya, man.
NFL NEWS
There will be no mascots, cheerleaders or sideline reporters on the field for the 2020 NFL season if it happens. They may be deployed to the empty seats or “concourse levels”, whatever the hell the latter are. (My guess is areas near the field, where there’s a “Tolerated, Not Ejected” guideline for rich drunks.) I’m betting the NFL Films folks will remain on the sidelines, which makes me happy because that outfit combines two of my passions: NFL games and agitprop.
KC cornerback Bashaud Breeland “is expected to be suspended” for four games. Adding to the fuzziness, the cause of the suspension. The headline says “substance abuse”; Breeland acknowledged the suspension and apologized for “off-the-field matters” in Instagram. The remorse brought down IG’s vanity index to 94.33%, but the app maintains its 100% narcissistic claptrap status.
The Titans signed backup QB Trevor Siemian. This era’s “Generalissimo Francisco Franco is still dead” remains “No team has signed Colin Kaepernick”.
Sean Peyton suggested that NFL playoffs become a bubble ecosystem. The NFL executive VP of football operations (a title suited for Alex Smith amitrite, HUH?), Troy Vincent, hates the term “bubble” and speaks of a “secure environment”. That was 50% of the article; the rest is protocol this, health advisors that, with “testing” inside most paragraphs. All of which suggests that the 2020 NFL season will happen—which I appreciate, to be honest. (Don’t fail me now, self-deception.) Getting back to the playoff bubble proposal, Vincent said that, like falling assholes in Buffalo, it’s “on the table”.
Today in preseason perennials:
-Contract extension impassés: Dalvin Cook.
-Bulked up: Daniel Jones and Hollywood Brown.
-Exhumations dressed as resurrections: Dez Bryant
-He’s much better now (Really!): Truth Biscuit (feat. Cordarrelle Patterson)
-“Gimme a fucking break” tripe: P*ts could employ QB platoon
Finally, another busy sprots docket, WOOO!
MLB (via mlb.com)
Reds (Bauer, 2-0) @ Reales (Harvey, 0-0) – 2nd game of a doubleheader.
DC Expos (Fedde, 1-1) @ Bravos (Wright, 0-3) – 6:10 (ESPN)
Tigers (Mize, 0-0) @ Medias Blancas (Dunning, 0-0)) – 7:10
Brewers (Anderson, 0-2) @ Twines (Hill, 1-0) – 7:10
Dirty ‘Stros (Valdez, 1-2) @ Rockys (Castellani, 0-0) – 7:40
Better Late Than Never Dept.: Don’t be like Alex Cintrón. If ya talk shit, especially about someone’s mom, don’t hide behind folks who do have the guts to fight (via You Tube).
Rangers (Lynn, 3-0) @ Padres (Paddack, 2-2) – 8:10
Dimebags (Kelly, 3-1) @ Ass’ (Luzardo, 1-0)
Doyers (Urías, 2-0) @ Marineros (Walker, 1-2) – 8:40 (ESPN+)
Angels (Sandoval, 0-2) @ Gigantes (Cueto, 1-0) – 8:45 (ESPN)
WNBA
Dallas @ Minnesota – 8:00
Phoenix @ Los Angeles – 9:00
NBA (via Sprots MTV)
Dallas vs. LA Clips – 8:00 (TNT, Los Ángeles leads 1-0 )
HOCKEY HOCKEY HOCKEY!
Canadiens vs. Flyera (PHI Leads 3-1) – 7:00 (NBCSN)
Canucks vs. Blues (2-2) – 9:30 (NBCSN)
Finally, in local health news, tonight’s dinner is beer and ice cream.
Wash your cock.
Fuck, I hate Carey Price
Guess the GOP’s all set to hire Thom Brennaman to call Congressional baseball games.
Line brawl on Friday should be fun
“Somewhere, off in the distance, a dog barked” is what makes this great instead of really good.
Hmph
Oh, its get better. Brennaman announced a home run while he was trying to save his career. That was the saddest home run call I’ve ever heard.
“… I pride myself and think of myself as a man of faith – as there’s a drive into deep left field by Castellanos that will be a home run. And so that will make it a 4-0 ballgame. I don’t know if I’m gonna be putting on this headset again….”
I’m almost imagining other underwhelming comments during important events.
Nixon: “I have never been a quitter. To leave office before my term is completed is abhorrent to every instinct in my body. But as President, I must put the interest of America first, and NASA just made contact with an alien life in a distant solar system; we are not alone in the Universe. America needs a full-time President and a full-time Congress, particularly at this time with problems we face at home and abroad…”
I now close my military career and just fade away, an old soldier who tried to do his duty, oh and Jesus just showed up at a Cracker Barrel in Mobile, as God gave him the light to see that duty. Good Bye.
JoJo Rabbit was fucking hysterical. I mean, i was fucking laughing at Adolf Hitler. It felt kind of weird, like when you shove cream cheese in your jock strap and then take a long sauna…
Ah yes: “Steaming The Sausage Bagel” is pleasant.
Damn straight!
Wait….. that feels “weird”?
Depends on the cream cheese.
You can’t use old stuff, everybody knows that.
Update from Cincinnati, Reds lost Game 1, winning Game 2, and Thom Brennaman may have signed off for good.
https://www.cbssports.com/mlb/news/thom-brennaman-apologizes-leaves-reds-royals-broadcast-booth-after-using-anti-gay-slur-on-air/
Good news: Thom Brennaman is the Keynote Speaker at the RNC next Wednesday.
Near end of Game 1, he was caught on a Hot Mic saying “…the f** capital of the world.”
He may still have a career in Cincinnati due to his family name (next year after serving a season-long suspension and tons of PR fixing), but he’s done on National TV.
What is the “felching capital of the world” anyway?
“I meant fog, which is true! Ya gotta beleieve me!”
(being dragged out of the booth by Mr. Red and Gapper)
> “No, I meant the British slang word! ITS BRITISHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhh….”
(five seconds of dead air)
> “Jim Day here with Votto up to back with a running on 2nd.”
“And let me assure you, Votto likes the poon.”
He’s a Whaler?
There shall be NO MORE Queequeg jokes.
(angrily moves Queequeg GIF reaction folder to the Recycle Bin)
Well, who told him to quote Blazing Saddles?
If he actually said, “Dancing around like a bunch of Kansas City…” I wouldn’t fire him.
If that Flyer dude didn’t want his face caved in, he shouldn’t have been skating so close to the boards! Personal Responsibility, people! Now excuse me, I need to go cash my welfare check.
I am on a 10 day cleanse, which means just liquid drinks. I don’t know why I’m doing this. I have no job, my family is in full revolt, my parents are moving and driving me nuts. You can’t fucking DRINK on this diet.
I have put the entire universe on notice.
Because shit is gonna go fucking off the rails.
That boom and fire you see on the horizon is Fozz going full Bane on Baltimore.
At least you get a nice coffee enema with friends.
Fresh take on the evening narration!
You know what makes baseball the piece of shit sport it is? I mean, there’s lot of things, but the whole “unwritten rules of baseball” explanation makes me want to shove a plug of pine tar up Babe Ruth’s dead ass.
People got pissed because a fucking pro went to the plate and did his job.
Fuck baseball players and baseball.
Thom Brennaman clearly disagrees with this.
Christ, this fucking world.
“Those rules should ONLY apply in San Francisco…”
I am so down with this hate. In addition *certain* are all high and mighty if you question this because tradition!, yeah fuck you people and the Ty Cobb you rode in on.
It’s a game, not a sport.
All baseball players sided with the batter. You don’t want the batter to swing at 3-0 with the bases loaded. Then don’t get to 3-0 with the bases loaded!
Hey, whats’ the photo sharing site to use so I can share photos with you miscreants?
Will there be fire ants?!?
https://postimg.cc
I just upload them to our media library.
[runs ‘hey everyone, it’s way past my bedtime’ through my new “Andy Reid Interprets!” app]
“Hey every loin, it’s waygu pasta my bread thyme.”
Ooh! I want that app.
Plan: Kidnap ineffectual stupid twat cunt bitch HR person.
Step One: Put her to sleep.
Step Two: Empty four nests of fire ants into her colon.
Step Three: Figure out some way to make the ants go into a coma or something
Step Four: Wake her up, ants warm up as her body temp goes up.
Step Five: Crack open a Mickey’s Bigmouth and watch the fun begin.
That’s my fetish.
We’ve replaced Carter Hart with Roman Cechmanek. Let’s see if anyone notices.
They really can’t hit anything.
“Well, sometimes 1 out of 200 does….”
-Willem Defoe
“Only on full auto.”
-What’s name
I hate ALL Gallaghers with the heat of a thousand exploding suns, but that was a pretty cool goal.
“Can’t give you a sun, but I can do an exploding watermelon!” — Gallagher
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eddie_Gallagher_(Navy_SEAL)
Sure. A double minor instead of a major. Because that was an “accidental” cross-check to the face.
Ah yes, the old “Epstein Delight”
[Montreal ties it up]
“Wish I could be tied up as well… smgdh.”
-Dunstan
I’m hurt that you would post my private messages to you.
You being hurt was the whole point of our exercise! (not seriously hurt but slightly hurt, as we agreed in the contract)
Welts, that about does it.
Joel Armia, sniper?
Was sad when the Ice Bombers dealt him.
/nawt sad when they dealt Brenden Lemieux and Trouba to the Ice Giants
Four teams looking to be eliminated today, WEIRD.
Who will win, one 5 minute major penalty or a 15 million dollar goalie?
If I was a fourth liner with no talent and only kept around to kill penalties and eat up minutes, I’d have a special penalty killing shift stick made of some kind of unbreakable material so I’d never be stickless.
They have pills “for being stickless.”
And this particular stick would probably be harder and stiffer than a normal stick.
And if you have it for four hours…..
last funny:
captain america: so your power is …murder hands?
wolverine: *cleaning blood off claws* fuck yeah
captain america: and they gave you a cartoon and pg13 movie franchise?
wolverine: *finishes beer, puts out cigar* fuck yeah
Nawt fair that he’s a good hockeyed player AND heir to the lucrative Provorov Cheese fortune.
Caca Niemi gets 5 minutes and a game misconduct.
Fucking horseshit call gives the Flyers two goals. Nice work, Bettman.
Trump is basically Smails, prove me wrong:
Always trying to measure himself against other golfers,
Sends young men to the gas chamber,
Has attractive younger relatives.
“I’ll get no ‘Thing’ and like it? This slogan really speaks to me!”
-Kurt Russell, circa 1982
Fucking Carey Price
Worst. Pornhub. Video. Ever.
Take this upvote and like it.
Done!
“You’ve already voted for this comment.”
Yeah, so?
The Flyera baffle me.
found a funny:
Church organs finally answer the question of “what if god’s favorite instrument was a little house that could scream”
gordon hayward out for celtics for a while…
yea they probs gonna be eliminated in 2nd round
boo
Family annoying? Can’t have a dart? How much wine and edibles can one man consume? Stay tuned.
/bout 2 btls deep
/just had a 3rd 25mg edible.
You’ve seent Bourble, not it’s time for… Edible. But the ‘ble’ is from ‘trouble,’ not ‘edible.’
I am aiming for silent drunk and stoned.
This is legit a great clip.
/a montage of American women, told for the first time that they have the right to vote*
*1920, not colourized
The pain expressed is after they learned of the candidates they have to choose from.
gotta say im a fan of the beer+ice cream dinner
And BBQ pork rinds for dessert. I needed to chew something.
Gotta get your fiber in! I had hot dogs, baked beans, and fritos. All the major nutrients represented. Fat, carbs, protein. Health food, practically.
So like a beer float?
Lots of wine, a couple edibles. I forgot papers. Fuck. I could go old school aluminum can, but that may be frowned upon. Also dying for a cigarette.
Make a tinfoil pipe. Goes nicely with the hat!
Lady Maestro is out of town on a business trip so I am stoned on the couch and watching as much hockey as one man can manage. This is a new level of enlightenment, folks.
Be brave and experience the hardships, man.
I am very happy for you. When you think you are really high, go a bit more. It’s what TWBS (and me) would do.
Nice
Colorado not stopping, despite Arizona already being dead.
Burning Man was taken out of context.
This is the perfect year TO sign Kaepernick! A little experiment and it will be internet shit clutching and pants pearling, not LIVE stadium full bullshit.
Arizona extremely not doing that hockey