Your “Things May Turn Out Tolerable” Open Thread

Don T

Beerguyrob is off tonight. The last time I subbed, I wished for BGR to be rollicking in mirth. Rob ended up having a partially dislocated shoulder and Riga blew out her ACL.  So for tonight, Beerguyrob: I hope your mother is redecorating her place and slathers the guilt on so thick that you end up being her sounding board for every rug, curtain, and tile alternatives. Never say I don’t luv ya, man.

NFL NEWS

There will be no mascots, cheerleaders or sideline reporters on the field for the 2020 NFL season if it happens. They may be deployed to the empty seats or “concourse levels”, whatever the hell the latter are. (My guess is areas near the field, where there’s a “Tolerated, Not Ejected” guideline for rich drunks.) I’m betting the NFL Films folks will remain on the sidelines, which makes me happy because that outfit combines two of my passions: NFL games and agitprop.

KC cornerback Bashaud Breeland “is expected to be suspended” for four games. Adding to the fuzziness, the cause of the suspension. The headline says “substance abuse”; Breeland acknowledged the suspension and apologized for “off-the-field matters” in Instagram. The remorse brought down IG’s vanity index to 94.33%, but the app maintains its 100% narcissistic claptrap status.

The Titans signed backup QB Trevor Siemian. This era’s “Generalissimo Francisco Franco is still dead” remains “No team has signed Colin Kaepernick”.

Sean Peyton suggested that NFL playoffs become a bubble ecosystem. The NFL executive VP of football operations (a title suited for Alex Smith amitrite, HUH?), Troy Vincent, hates the term “bubble” and speaks of a “secure environment”. That was 50% of the article; the rest is protocol this, health advisors that, with “testing” inside most paragraphs. All of which suggests that the 2020 NFL season will happen—which I appreciate, to be honest. (Don’t fail me now, self-deception.) Getting back to the playoff bubble proposal, Vincent said that, like falling assholes in Buffalo, it’s “on the table”.

Today in preseason perennials:

-Contract extension impassés: Dalvin Cook.

-Bulked up: Daniel Jones and Hollywood Brown.

-Exhumations dressed as resurrections: Dez Bryant

-He’s much better now (Really!): Truth Biscuit (feat. Cordarrelle Patterson)

-“Gimme a fucking break” tripe: P*ts could employ QB platoon

Finally, another busy sprots docket, WOOO!

MLB (via mlb.com)

Reds (Bauer, 2-0) @ Reales (Harvey, 0-0)  – 2nd game of a doubleheader.

DC Expos (Fedde, 1-1) @ Bravos (Wright, 0-3) – 6:10 (ESPN)

Tigers (Mize, 0-0)  @ Medias Blancas (Dunning, 0-0)) – 7:10

Brewers (Anderson, 0-2)  @ Twines (Hill, 1-0) – 7:10

Dirty ‘Stros (Valdez, 1-2) @ Rockys (Castellani, 0-0) – 7:40

Better Late Than Never Dept.: Don’t be like Alex Cintrón. If ya talk shit, especially about someone’s mom, don’t hide behind folks who do have the guts to fight (via You Tube).

Rangers (Lynn, 3-0) @ Padres (Paddack, 2-2) – 8:10

Dimebags (Kelly, 3-1) @ Ass’ (Luzardo, 1-0)

Doyers (Urías, 2-0) @ Marineros (Walker, 1-2) – 8:40 (ESPN+)

Angels (Sandoval, 0-2) @ Gigantes (Cueto, 1-0) – 8:45 (ESPN)

 

WNBA

Dallas @ Minnesota – 8:00

Phoenix @ Los Angeles – 9:00

 

NBA (via Sprots MTV)

Dallas vs. LA Clips – 8:00 (TNT, Los Ángeles leads 1-0 )

 

HOCKEY HOCKEY HOCKEY!

Canadiens vs. Flyera (PHI Leads 3-1) – 7:00 (NBCSN)

Canucks vs. Blues (2-2) – 9:30 (NBCSN)

Finally, in local health news, tonight’s dinner is beer and ice cream.

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Don T
Don T
Poor choices, mixed results. ¡Viva Puerto Rico Libre! Titans4Eva
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Wash your cock.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Gratliff

Fuck, I hate Carey Price

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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The Maestro

Guess the GOP’s all set to hire Thom Brennaman to call Congressional baseball games.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Gratliff

Line brawl on Friday should be fun

WCS

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SonOfSpam

“Somewhere, off in the distance, a dog barked” is what makes this great instead of really good.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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herodotus450

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Gratliff

Hmph

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Redshirt

Oh, its get better. Brennaman announced a home run while he was trying to save his career. That was the saddest home run call I’ve ever heard.

“… I pride myself and think of myself as a man of faith – as there’s a drive into deep left field by Castellanos that will be a home run. And so that will make it a 4-0 ballgame. I don’t know if I’m gonna be putting on this headset again….”

I’m almost imagining other underwhelming comments during important events.

Nixon: “I have never been a quitter. To leave office before my term is completed is abhorrent to every instinct in my body. But as President, I must put the interest of America first, and NASA just made contact with an alien life in a distant solar system; we are not alone in the Universe. America needs a full-time President and a full-time Congress, particularly at this time with problems we face at home and abroad…”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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SonOfSpam

I now close my military career and just fade away, an old soldier who tried to do his duty, oh and Jesus just showed up at a Cracker Barrel in Mobile, as God gave him the light to see that duty. Good Bye.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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jjfozz

JoJo Rabbit was fucking hysterical. I mean, i was fucking laughing at Adolf Hitler. It felt kind of weird, like when you shove cream cheese in your jock strap and then take a long sauna…

SonOfSpam

Ah yes: “Steaming The Sausage Bagel” is pleasant.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Damn straight!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Wait….. that feels “weird”?

Redshirt

Depends on the cream cheese.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

You can’t use old stuff, everybody knows that.

Redshirt

Update from Cincinnati, Reds lost Game 1, winning Game 2, and Thom Brennaman may have signed off for good.

https://www.cbssports.com/mlb/news/thom-brennaman-apologizes-leaves-reds-royals-broadcast-booth-after-using-anti-gay-slur-on-air/

SonOfSpam

Good news: Thom Brennaman is the Keynote Speaker at the RNC next Wednesday.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Redshirt

Near end of Game 1, he was caught on a Hot Mic saying “…the f** capital of the world.”

He may still have a career in Cincinnati due to his family name (next year after serving a season-long suspension and tons of PR fixing), but he’s done on National TV.

SonOfSpam

What is the “felching capital of the world” anyway?

herodotus450

“I meant fog, which is true! Ya gotta beleieve me!”

Redshirt

(being dragged out of the booth by Mr. Red and Gapper)
> “No, I meant the British slang word! ITS BRITISHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhh….”
(five seconds of dead air)
> “Jim Day here with Votto up to back with a running on 2nd.”

SonOfSpam

“And let me assure you, Votto likes the poon.”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

He’s a Whaler?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

There shall be NO MORE Queequeg jokes.

Redshirt

(angrily moves Queequeg GIF reaction folder to the Recycle Bin)

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Senor Weaselo

Well, who told him to quote Blazing Saddles?

SonOfSpam

If he actually said, “Dancing around like a bunch of Kansas City…” I wouldn’t fire him.

herodotus450

If that Flyer dude didn’t want his face caved in, he shouldn’t have been skating so close to the boards! Personal Responsibility, people! Now excuse me, I need to go cash my welfare check.

jjfozz

I am on a 10 day cleanse, which means just liquid drinks. I don’t know why I’m doing this. I have no job, my family is in full revolt, my parents are moving and driving me nuts. You can’t fucking DRINK on this diet.

I have put the entire universe on notice.

Because shit is gonna go fucking off the rails.

WCS

That boom and fire you see on the horizon is Fozz going full Bane on Baltimore.

Unsurprised

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

At least you get a nice coffee enema with friends.

blaxabbath

Fresh take on the evening narration!

jjfozz

You know what makes baseball the piece of shit sport it is? I mean, there’s lot of things, but the whole “unwritten rules of baseball” explanation makes me want to shove a plug of pine tar up Babe Ruth’s dead ass.

People got pissed because a fucking pro went to the plate and did his job.

Fuck baseball players and baseball.

Mr. Ayo

Thom Brennaman clearly disagrees with this.

jjfozz

Christ, this fucking world.

SonOfSpam

“Those rules should ONLY apply in San Francisco…”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I am so down with this hate. In addition *certain* are all high and mighty if you question this because tradition!, yeah fuck you people and the Ty Cobb you rode in on.

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Unsurprised

It’s a game, not a sport.

Redshirt

All baseball players sided with the batter. You don’t want the batter to swing at 3-0 with the bases loaded. Then don’t get to 3-0 with the bases loaded!

jjfozz

Hey, whats’ the photo sharing site to use so I can share photos with you miscreants?

Mr. Ayo

Will there be fire ants?!?

https://postimg.cc

jjfozz

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blaxabbath

I just upload them to our media library.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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scotchnaut

[runs ‘hey everyone, it’s way past my bedtime’ through my new “Andy Reid Interprets!” app]

“Hey every loin, it’s waygu pasta my bread thyme.”

TheRevanchist

Ooh! I want that app.

jjfozz

Plan: Kidnap ineffectual stupid twat cunt bitch HR person.

Step One: Put her to sleep.
Step Two: Empty four nests of fire ants into her colon.
Step Three: Figure out some way to make the ants go into a coma or something
Step Four: Wake her up, ants warm up as her body temp goes up.
Step Five: Crack open a Mickey’s Bigmouth and watch the fun begin.

TheRevanchist

That’s my fetish.

Gratliff

We’ve replaced Carter Hart with Roman Cechmanek. Let’s see if anyone notices.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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WCS

They really can’t hit anything.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

“Well, sometimes 1 out of 200 does….”

-Willem Defoe

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

“Only on full auto.”

-What’s name

WCS

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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herodotus450

I hate ALL Gallaghers with the heat of a thousand exploding suns, but that was a pretty cool goal.

Dunstan

“Can’t give you a sun, but I can do an exploding watermelon!” — Gallagher

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Viva La Tabula Raza
Dunstan

Sure. A double minor instead of a major. Because that was an “accidental” cross-check to the face.

SonOfSpam

Ah yes, the old “Epstein Delight”

scotchnaut

[Montreal ties it up]

“Wish I could be tied up as well… smgdh.”

-Dunstan

Dunstan

I’m hurt that you would post my private messages to you.

scotchnaut

You being hurt was the whole point of our exercise! (not seriously hurt but slightly hurt, as we agreed in the contract)

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Welts, that about does it.

Dunstan

Joel Armia, sniper?

litre_cola

Was sad when the Ice Bombers dealt him.

/nawt sad when they dealt Brenden Lemieux and Trouba to the Ice Giants

herodotus450

Four teams looking to be eliminated today, WEIRD.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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herodotus450

Who will win, one 5 minute major penalty or a 15 million dollar goalie?

herodotus450

If I was a fourth liner with no talent and only kept around to kill penalties and eat up minutes, I’d have a special penalty killing shift stick made of some kind of unbreakable material so I’d never be stickless.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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They have pills “for being stickless.”

herodotus450

And this particular stick would probably be harder and stiffer than a normal stick.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

And if you have it for four hours…..

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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rockingdog

last funny:

captain america: so your power is …murder hands?

wolverine: *cleaning blood off claws* fuck yeah

captain america: and they gave you a cartoon and pg13 movie franchise?

wolverine: *finishes beer, puts out cigar* fuck yeah

herodotus450

Nawt fair that he’s a good hockeyed player AND heir to the lucrative Provorov Cheese fortune.

Gratliff

Caca Niemi gets 5 minutes and a game misconduct.

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Dunstan

Fucking horseshit call gives the Flyers two goals. Nice work, Bettman.

WCS

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herodotus450

Trump is basically Smails, prove me wrong:
Always trying to measure himself against other golfers,
Sends young men to the gas chamber,
Has attractive younger relatives.

scotchnaut

“I’ll get no ‘Thing’ and like it? This slogan really speaks to me!”

-Kurt Russell, circa 1982

Gratliff

Fucking Carey Price

scotchnaut

Worst. Pornhub. Video. Ever.

litre_cola

Take this upvote and like it.

scotchnaut

Done!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

“You’ve already voted for this comment.”

Yeah, so?

The Maestro

The Flyera baffle me.

rockingdog

found a funny:

Church organs finally answer the question of “what if god’s favorite instrument was a little house that could scream”

rockingdog

gordon hayward out for celtics for a while…
yea they probs gonna be eliminated in 2nd round

Gratliff

boo

litre_cola

Family annoying? Can’t have a dart? How much wine and edibles can one man consume? Stay tuned.

/bout 2 btls deep
/just had a 3rd 25mg edible.

herodotus450

You’ve seent Bourble, not it’s time for… Edible. But the ‘ble’ is from ‘trouble,’ not ‘edible.’

litre_cola

I am aiming for silent drunk and stoned.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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litre_cola

This is legit a great clip.

scotchnaut

/a montage of American women, told for the first time that they have the right to vote*

*1920, not colourized

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

The pain expressed is after they learned of the candidates they have to choose from.

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