The scene: The parking lot of that massive center of consumerism known as Iguana Mart. Beerguyrob has a megacart full of stuff and is currently looking in dismay at the empty parking spot where Doktor Zymm’s RV was before Future Clone Debbie Harry stole it (and Rikki-Tikki-Deadly). Covalent Blonde is there, an amused look on her face. Lemonjello burbles in concern.
Beerguyrob: It. Was. Right. HERE!
Covalent Blonde: And then you gave Rikki the keys. That was your first mistake.
Beerguyrob: To get shopping bags! I was trying to keep him out of the store! Last time he ate a crabman’s arm and almost got us killed.
Covalent Blonde: Y’know, I gave Rikki the keys to my place once. He was supposed to water my plants while I was gone for the weekend. Instead I came home to empty bottles everywhere, body glitter all over my couch, and my drapes were burned up.
Lemonjello: Borble?
Beerguyrob: Damn it! I still can’t believe he left us stranded here!
Brick Meathook, Mr. Ayo and WCS come wandering up. They reek of banana weed.
Brick Meathook (giggling): Guess what? Ayo found his guy!
WCS: His guy is a cool guy. I really liked that guy, man. Mostly because he sold us weed.
Mr. Ayo (lighting up a new joint): That’s because he’s my weed guy! And he’s even named Guy!
Brick Meathook (toking up): Guy the weed guy! What are the odds?
WCS (to Beerguyrob): Hey, why so glum, chum? Was Iguana Mart out of beer or something?
Beerguyrob: Are you kidding? This place has more beer than Germany. No, we’re short one RV. It seems Rikki went on a joyride.
Brick Meathook: Aw, I missed Rikki? Darn it, that guy’s fun.
WCS: Yeah he is! I went to this party he threw a few years ago, and it was two days of chicks and guns and fire trucks and hookers and drugs and booze! It was crazy, man!
Covalent Blonde (raising an eyebrow): Oh, was it?
WCS: Oh, yeah! You should’ve been there, CB!
Mr. Ayo (happily stoned): Well if you need a ride, you should ask Covalent Blonde here! She has that nice truck…
Brick Meathook (toking more): Shotgun! I’m not riding in the truck bed again.
Beerguyrob (to Covalent Blonde): Wait, you have a what?
Covalent Blonde: It’s a little truck. Not nearly as big as the RV. And it’s new. I really don’t want monkey fur and jello globs all over the upholstery.
Lemonjello: Borble!
Beerguyrob: C’mon, CB, you know the DFO bylaws.
WCS (finishing off the joint): Yeah, we’ve gotta back each other up. Like when the drapes caught fire at Rikki’s party, I was the one who called the fire department. I totally had his back.
Covalent Blonde: Uh-huh. OK, guys, I’ve changed my mind. Let’s go get my truck. I really want to find Rikki now…
Cut to: The Taboo Region of the Wasteland, where Horatio Cornblower and his fuzzy life partner Moosemas Gorilla, along with Future Clone Lynda Carter, are currently venturing in search of Otto’s Brain. The landscape here is bleak…even more so than the Wasteland proper. The plants are sickly or dead, skeletons of man, mutant and animal litter the desert floor, and jagged outcroppings of weathered stone throw foreboding shadows across the trio as they delve ever deeper.
Moosemas Gorilla: Ook? Ook-ook!
Horatio Cornblower: No, that isn’t a large spider. That’s just a shadow. A creepy shadow, yes, but…
Moosemas Gorilla: Ook?
Horatio Cornblower (sighing): No, it’s not the shadow of a large spider. Settle down, big guy!
Future Clone Lynda Carter pauses by a nearby rockface. She notices a sticky substance on the rough stone. A sticky, diaphanous substance.
Future Clone Lynda Carter: Uh-oh…
Suddenly a cry for help breaks through the eerie silence of the Taboo Region.
Horatio Cornblower: That’s definitely Otto! C’mon, I think he’s just ahead!
Moosemas Gorilla (taking off at full speed): Ook-ook!
Future Clone Lynda Carter (running after them): Hey, you guys! Hold on! I think I found some…
Unfortunately, Future Clone Lynda Carter’s warning comes too late. Moosemas Gorilla, driven by the desire to rescue Otto and then get the hell out of the Taboo Region, rounds a blind corner and runs straight into a mass of sticky webbing. Dozens of mummified skeletons hang in the web, which reaches across the rocky corridor, up the sides of the stone for some 30 yards, and gradually recedes into the darkness beyond.
It’s a big damn web, and Moosemas Gorilla and Horatio Cornblower are stuck in it.
Moosemas Gorilla (stuck in the web): OOK!
Horatio Cornblower (embarrassed, and also stuck in the web): I know, I know…
Moosemas Gorilla: Ook-ook-ook!!!
Horatio Cornblower: Look, can we save the I-told-you-so’s until after we get out of this?
From some 20 feet above them a familiar voice calls down.
Otto’s Brain (wrapped up in the webbing above the others): Hey, guys! You might want to be careful…this place is filled with spider webs.
Horatio Cornblower: Oh, very funny, Otto! How’d you end up all the way up there, anyway?
Otto’s Brain: I just kind of landed in this stuff after I fell off the RV. Thanks for not even trying to catch me, by the way.
Horatio Cornblower: We were just a little busy rescuing…
Future Clone Lynda Carter (sticking her head around the corner): There you are! You know, you shouldn’t just run off like that in the Taboo Region.
Moosemas Gorilla: Ook!
Horatio Cornblower: Yeah, in hindsight it was a worse idea than law school.
Future Clone Lynda Carter: You’re a lawyer? I wouldn’t have guessed. They’re usually…
Horatio Cornblower: Taller?
Future Clone Lynda Carter: No. Deader. Moose got tired of legal challenges to his authority about a century ago, so he had most of them vaporized.
Horatio Cornblower: That was kind of mean.
Future Clone Lynda Carter: Seriously. The Vaporization International Brotherhood of Retaliatory Aggression & Totalitarian Order Redistribution lodged a formal complaint about all the unpaid overtime.
Moosemas Gorilla: Ook?
Future Clone Lynda Carter: No, he had them vaporized, too.
Horatio Cornblower: Man, Moose got kind of cranky over the last couple hundred years.
Otto’s Brain shakes back & forth in the webbing above to get Future Clone Lynda Carter’s attention.
Otto’s Brain (lovestruck): Hi, Miss Carter! Gee, you sure look pretty today!
Future Clone Lynda Carter waves vaguely at the seemingly-anthropomorphic ball of webbing then turns her attention Moosemas Gorilla and Horatio.
Future Clone Lynda Carter (frowning): That is some industrial-strength webbing. The spider that spun this stuff must be as big as a house.
Moosemas Gorilla: OOK?!!
Future Clone Lynda Carter: A small house, okay? Just a single level, no basement. Probably at least a car port though.
Moosemas Gorilla: Ook! Ook-ook!
Future Clone Lynda Carter: Okay, okay! Look, maybe I can find something around here to cut you out of that stuff…
Suddenly, the web shakes ominously.
Then it shakes again.
And again.
Moosemas Gorilla: Ook?!!
Future Clone Lynda Carter’s eyes grow wide as she looks past the trapped DFOers into the webbing beyond.
Future Clone Lynda Carter: Ah, frek..
Moosemas Gorilla: OOK?!!
Future Clone Lynda Carter: Yeah, I was wrong. That thing’s at least the size of a two-story house. With an attached garage. And a full-size basement…
To be continued…
Spiders are easy to handle.
Otto just might come in handy.
The DFObots (TM) have decided to restrain my ‘happy Friday’ comment.
We have bots?
Sounds like the work of Doktor Zymm to me…
Still
Awaiting for approval
I can take a hint.
Eventually.
And nobody caught the Bachelor Party reference?
For shame, people. FOR SHAME.
Sorry, the full frontal in the movie kind of moves the rest aside, especially the nightmarish transformation.
Oh, I caught it. I’m just late commenting.
Nicely done!
I knew you would.
Happy Friday people.
I got’cher back, Moose.
Barbara Bouchet would be a shame to be excluded.
This gets me warmed up for Friday.
I am quite happy to discover that I swear less in fiction than in real life.
“Burble!?!”
I used up all my little censored icons on Unsurprised, so now I have to keep it clean.
Those things are expensive.
I have Russ Meyer’s Common Law Cabin on DVD. It’s dreadful, but also fascinating. It’s one of my “Gotta work, but I want to leave something on in the background” movies.
I have a brother named Guy. And he’s definitely a weed guy. He’s Guy the weed guy!
Gumbyguyweedbro
I can’t believe Moose kept Lynda Carter from using V.I.B.R.A.T.O.R.
With Moose around, who needs V.I.B.R.A.T.O.R.?
Sometimes when the town is sore.
https://moosejaw.ca/
If lawyers were exterminated DFO would be left with the Canadian contingent all knowing a dead language known as Hippoese.
Can you have the reunion in Moose Jaw?
That’s probably where all the vaporizers are.
Any car port in a storm.
I see someone’s been watching Return of The King lately…
“Burble borble!”
If only I knew some life-form that secreted a highly acidic substance that might cut through this web. If only.
/twiddles little thumbs
Is it art imitating life, or life imitating art?
Hey man! Here’s the link to my fantasy league.
https://fantasy.espn.com/football/league/join?leagueId=70181198&inviteId=b35d561a-e422-442a-9341-cd4f4061ebcf
Its no entry fee, winner gets 100 bucks.
“The league is full”
O crap…I just joined. I’ll bail out and you can join.
No worries! You enjoy. I’ll just do another public league on Yahoo! for fun. It’s cool.
Already out. Got two other drafts this weekend.
DO IT. DO IT NOW.
I DID IT. I DID IT NOW.
*blows kiss
I haven’t played on ESPN for quite some time. Please make sure I didn’t mess up the league settings, because I am an old using new fangled technology.
Probably at least a car port though.
I don’t know why but this was my favoUrite line.