Place: Just outside the Castle of Limbo
Time: A few minutes after TWBS and BALLS leave the Castle of Limbo.
TWBS and BALLS are walking away from the castle and down a dark slope
TWBS: So, he was an asshole, right?
BALLS: Listen, I’ll grant you that I prefer Euclid, but that doesn’t mean you should call Plato a cocksucker!
TWBS: No one tells me I’M wrong!
BALLS: Ain’t that the truth. It’s nice to see nothing’s changed with you.
TWBS: That sounds like a putdown.
BALLS: No. Never. Never. What about I put on a song?
Balls shoots a finger gun in the air and the two of them can hear this song:
TWBS: That’s a cheery little number.
BALLS: It’s appropriate for where we’re going.
As they are turn a corner, they see long line of naked people in front of a man sitting down next to a rock
MINOS (scratching his balls): NEXT!
TWBS: This is bullshit! We have to stand in line?!? This IS hell!
BALLS: Shut up!
MINOS (pointing to TWBS and Balls): YOU TWO! GET OVER HERE NOW!
TWBS: That’s more like it!
BALLS (shaking his head): Dumbass!
Balls and TWBS skip the line and move past the throng of lost souls waiting for their turn. The people hurl insults at them as they pass by.
TWBS: Oh yeah? And YOUR mother sucks cocks in hell! Oh wait, Imma go see her right now!
BALLS: Dude, are you EVER going to stop picking fights?
TWBS: Did you hear what he said?
BALLS: Does it matter?
TWBS: Dude, I think I recognized that voice! I’m pretty sure he was a telemarketer!
BALLS: Cable company?
TWBS: Nah, I think it was for some bullshit insurance scam.
Minos appears before them and speaks directly to TWBS.
MINOS: ASSWIPE, TELL ME YOUR SINS!
TWBS: Well, that’s just rude.
BALLS (to TWBS): Shut up. (to Minos): Do you have to shout? You know why we’re here. Let us through.
MINOS: He must confess his sins so I can pass judgment.
BALLS: You know this one is special. Sometimes little school bus special, but special nonetheless. The Powers That Be have willed that he pass without your judgment.
BALLS and MINOS: SHUT UP!
MINOS: Fine. But you, asswipe, watch your ass in there. Be careful how you enter and who you trust. It’s easy to get in, but that’s about it!
TWBS: So, you pass judgment on people, huh?
MINOS: Yeah, why?
TWBS: What does that mean?
MINOS: That means I decide which level of hell they go to. Are you sure you don’t want to tell me your sins? I’d LOVE to tell you where to fuck off to!
BALLS: Not yet!
TWBS (turns towards Balls): What the fuck does THAT mean?
BALLS: Well…. You can still fuck this up is all I’m saying.
TWBS (to Balls): Nice faith in me, asshole. (to Minos): Hey, so where do you send the telemarketers?
MINOS: Were you a telemarketer?
TWBS: Fuck no! But that little assbucket (points to the naked man he picked a fight with before) was one!
MINOS (eyeing the telemarketing asshole): Duly noted. Thanks asswipe! Now get moving.
Minos steps aside and lets the duo through. Balls has to push TWBS along as he wants to keep trying to find out which level of hell telemarketers go to. They continue walking down the dark path until they could hardly see in front of them. A cacophony of screams has drowned out any other sounds. A fierce wind hits their faces and threatens to blow them off their feet.
TWBS: Dude, what did he mean when he said I need to watch my ass? I’m beginning to not like this little hike you’ve taken me on.
BALLS If anything, he was backing up what I told you earlier.
TWBS: Which was?
BALLS: Really? I’m trying to help your ass and you can’t be bothered to remember one thing I’ve said?
TWBS: It’s not that. It’s just… This is getting bad and I’m…
BALLS: Dude. Relax. I’ve got you. Just remember that anything stupid you do down here can have grave consequences for you.
TWBS: That’s very reassuring. Thank you very much. Asshole.
As they walk along, TWBS sees souls of people being swept along by the fierce winds to and fro crashing into the walls and the ground and then being swept up again. Like that plastic bag video but much faster, on fire, and in great pain.
TWBS: Who are these people?
BALLS: Ah! You might be familiar with a lot of these folks. These are the people that were consumed with lust and surrendered their reason and lives to pursue carnal desires.
TWBS: So, sluts?
BALLS: Don’t slut-shame! But sort of. This is beyond slutty behaviour. This is Houston 500 24/7 territory.
TWBS: Who the fuck would be down here that I know? Oh shit, there’s Australian Nazi!
BALLS: Really? I would have expected her to be further down. I guess she must have sucked Minos’ cock really well…
TWBS: Um… I wouldn’t know…. I don’t hook up with Nazis…
BALLS (patting him on the shoulder): Sure, buddy, sure!
Balls points out several historical figures like Helen of Troy, Cleopatra, and Anna Nicole Smith.
TWBS: Is that Dido? That one song was pretty good!
BALLS: Not the same one.
TWBS: Just as well. She ain’t no Green Day, amirite?
BALLS (ignoring TWBS’ hi-five attempt): No, definitely no Green Day.
TWBS: Hey, who are those two that are flying together all the time?
BALLS: That’s Francesca
TWBS (excitedly): Le?!?
BALLS: Not the same one. The guy is Paolo. Long story short, she was married to his brother, they fell in love, the brother discovered the affair and killed them both. While they were banging.
TWBS: Yikes! What a way to go.
BALLS: We may see the brother later.
TWBS: You mind if I talk to them?
BALLS: I forget that you’re a talker. Yeah, sure. Go for it.
TWBS walks up to Francesca and Paolo and strikes up a conversation. As they tell their tale of love, TWBS gets progressively sadder and sadder. After about ten minutes, he turns and heads back towards Balls
BALLS: You ok?
TWBS: Dude, that’s the saddest thing I’ve heard. I feel so bad for them. This place sucks!
BALLS: Well, it IS called hell for a reason.
TWBS: Dude, I don’t feel good. I think Imma going to….
TWBS faints at Balls’ feet. Balls looks down at him with pity. Then he pulls out a Sharpie and draws a dick on each cheek complete with hairy balls and a stream of cum coming out of both dicks towards his mouth. It’s a work of art.
BALLS (to himself): I told him not to be a pussy…
Balls reaches down and picks TWBS up. He carries him away from the wind and the screaming and the flying souls into the Third Circle of Hell.
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