Place: Just inside the walls of the City of Dis
Time: About five seconds after Balls and TWBS passed the Mexican devil birds that scattered when the Angel in a pissy mood opened the gate.
TWBS: Why did you say WESTSIIIIIIIDE when we walked in?
BALLS: It’s fun! You should try it. You ever been south of the 10?
TWBS (snickering): You mean I-10?
BALLS: If you’re going to start that shit again, I’m leaving you right here.
TWBS: Fine! But you know what you just said is racist, right?
BALLS: First off, that area is more brown than black and I speak Spanish, remember? Also, I did not in any way imply that South Central…
TWBS: South LA, racist!
BALLS: South LA was akin to the infernal City of Dis, capital of Lower Hell, and all-around Shitty Place. I have many friends from there and I know several good restaurants in the area.
TWBS: That sounds like something a racist would say.
BALLS: Look, are you going to be standing here breaking my balls the whole time or should we move forward?
TWBS (giggling): Ok, let’s move forward. Racist.
As TWBS and Balls walk into the City of Dis, they see a lot of sarcophagi with flames busting out of them. The stone lids are open slightly so that the flames can escape along with the sounds of tremendous pain and torture.
TWBS: What’s going on here?
BALLS: So, this is the Sixth Circle of Hell, where all the Arch-Heretics are.
TWBS: What’s an arch-heretic?
BALLS: N.C. State, huh?
TWBS: Fuck you. I know what a heretic is, asswipe! I’ve just never heard the term arch-heretic.
BALLS: Ok, an Arch-Heretic would be like the leader of a group of heretics or sect.
TWBS: Oh yeah! I knew that!
BALLS (shaking his head): Then why did you ask?
TWBS: I forgot, alright. Geez!
At that moment, one of the tortured souls arises to full height out of a nearby sarcophagus. He asks to speak with TWBS. TWBS looks to Balls for approval.
BALLS (sighing): Ok, but watch what you say.
TWBS gets a happy, excited look on his face.
TWBS: What’s up, buddy? Whatcha wanna talk aboot?
The tortured soul starts talking to TWBS when another soul pops out and starts talking to TWBS and asking about his son, who TWBS apparently knows.
TWBS (to second soul): I don’t know, man.
At hearing this, the second soul starts crying, thinking his son is dead and goes back into the sarcophagus.
TWBS (to the first soul): Dude! What just happened?
The first soul could care less and keeps talking to TWBS about the chances for the NC State baseball team to get an NCAA championship. TWBS realizes they don’t know anything about the present and that COVID has stopped all collegiate sports.
TWBS: Dude, how the fuq do you guys not know the present?
The first soul explains pretty must the same thing that Balls said earlier but for whatever reason, TWBS now understands. TWBS walks back towards Balls.
BALLS: You done with Conversation Street?
TWBS: Yup! It’s interesting how shit works around here! They don’t know shit about the present yet they can see the future and know the past!
BALLS: Didn’t I tell you that before?
TWBS: Yes, but he was clearer.
BALLS (annoyed): Clearer?!?
TWBS: Don’t get your panties in a bunch! It just made more sense coming from him!
BALLS: You know…
BALLS: Never mind. We need to keep moving.
As the duo continue walking past the sarcophagi, the smell gets worse and worse until it gets unbearable. Balls finds a nearby sarcophagus and sits down beside it.
BALLS: We need to stop here for a bit. That way our sense of smell will get used to this stench and we can move forward.
TWBS: BO. RING!
BALLS: You wanna keep going and throw up the entire way down?
TWBS: Well, if you put it that way, no. Can we at least do something to pass the time?
BALLS: What do you want to do?
TWBS: Can you explain some things to me?
BALLS: Like what? How you should not contact girls that you know damn well you should not contact? How closure is an idiotic concept that only dumbasses seek? Do you want me to keep going?
TWBS: Very funny, dicknose! No, asshole. What’s up with the Lower Hell versus Upper Hell? What’s the difference and why is it supposed to be so much worse here?
BALLS: Ok, are you ready for a whole lot of exposition?
TWBS: Is it going to be boring?
BALLS: Will it make it more interesting if I throw some naked titties in there?
TWBS: Yes, yes it will.
Balls starts to explain how Upper Hell consists of the Sins of the She-Wolf, which he encountered in the clearing outside the forest where he met up with Balls. Those are Sins of Incontinence.
TWBS: I’m a veterinarian and I’ll have you know that wolves, be they female or not, are NOT incontinent! That’s a falsehood and an insult to all the good little wolfies! Specially those that are part of the Wolfpack, those who have gone to the greatest university in the universe!!
BALLS (sighs): Oh. MY. GOD! That’s not what I mean by Incontinence! Ok, Mr. Doctor, what is incontinence?
TWBS: When you shit yourself!
BALLS And why do people shit themselves?
TWBS: Because they had too much Mexican food the night before!
BALLS: First of all, look who’s the racist now! Second of all, it’s because they couldn’t control themselves. They couldn’t control their anal sphincter and that’s why they shit themselves!
TWBS: But you can do kegels!
BALLS: Yes, but many people don’t know how to do them and are too embarrassed to Google it because they think it will show up in their search history and then they’ll get ads for anal bleaching cream and buttplugs that glow in the dark.
TWBS: And isn’t that true?
BALLS: Well, yeah, but that’s still better than shitting yourself. Anyhoo, the first five circles aka Upper Hell are to punish sins that the person did without malice. They just couldn’t control themselves. That was the basic reason for their different sins.
TWBS: And the difference between Upper and Lower Hell?
BALLS: Lower Hell has the sins of the people that willfully committed their sins. Basically, they knew better and did what they did anyway.
TWBS: Hence the heretics in Circle Six that quote unquote know better but still say that God doesn’t exist?
BALLS (uncomfortably): Um, yeah.
TWBS (really worried): Look, asshole, you said I was a good person! I don’t want to end up in a stone grave burning forever with other assholes!
BALLS: Well, it could actually be worse. We haven’t seen the 7th, 8th, or 9th circles yet!
TWBS (nervously): Are you saying I could actually end up there?
BALLS (to TWBS): Relax! You haven’t killed anyone, have you?
TWBS (very nervously): ….. no…
BALLS: I’m just going to gloss over the fact that it took you a little too long to answer that. Let me continue to explain to set your mind at ease a bit.
Balls then explains how the Sixth Circle contains the Heretics and kinda stands alone. The Seventh Circle contains those who committed the Sins of the Lion, which are Sins of Violence and are further subdivided into Violence Against Others, Violence Against Yourself, and Violence Against Nature.
TWBS: Yeah, lions are violent motherfuckers. But what’s violence against yourself? Extra-furious masturbation? Shit, I may end up there!
BALLS: It’s suicides.
TWBS: Oh, ok. No worries here! Then what the hell are Sins Against Nature? Wait! Is that ANAL SEX?
BALLS (looking away): No. Never. Never.
TWBS: It IS! This is where YOU are going to end up, isn’t it, asshole?
BALLS: Listen, Sodom was destroyed because the people were rapey, did not adhere to the code of providing safe refuge to travelers, and generally were assholes. Anal sex had NOTHING to do with it and the association of the word sodomy with anal sex is complete bullshit!
TWBS: Dude, you are SO going to end up in the 7th Circle!
BALLS: Nah uh! Am not!
TWBS: Yeah you are!
BALLS: So, you’re saying you never had anal sex?
TWBS all of a sudden gets a worried look on his face.
BALLS: That’s right! You and me both, fucker! But listen, trust me. Engaging in anal sex with a willing and loving partner is A-ok. You have nothing to worry about.
TWBS: Did God tell you that?
BALLS: Who do you think invented anal sex?
TWBS: If you say so…
BALLS: Anyways, the 8th and 9th Circles are reserved for those that committed the Sins of the Leopard, also known as the sins of fraud.
TWBS: Huh? Why a Leopard?
BALLS: You ever heard of the phrase “A leopard doesn’t change his spots”?
BALLS: Well, these people changed their spots. Pretended to be something they weren’t for their own gain.
TWBS: Got it. Can we go now?
BALLS: Are you used to the smell?
TWBS (laughing): Yeah. I can hardly smell anything right now.
BALLS (farting): How about now?
TWBS (sniffs the air): I smell…. I smell…. I SMELL PUSSY!
BALLS: I did not take you for a House Party fan!
All of a sudden, the two break out into the famous dance routine from the movie:
BALLS: YEAAHHH BOOOOOYYYY!
TWBS: Nice job. For an old fart.
BALLS: Do I need to remind you that you’re the dead one?
TWBS: Why you gotta be hurtful?
BALLS: I’m sorry. That wasn’t nice. Let’s go.
Balls and TWBS stand up and start walking away from the sarcophagus they were sitting on.
TWBS: Who did that sarcophagus belong to? And what happened to the naked titties you promised?
BALLS: Some Pope. Yeah, you’ll find a lot of them here. Oh, and here you go.
TWBS: YOU ASSHOLE!!
BALLS: Ok, I’m sorry. Here.
TWBS: You’re SUCH an asshole!
As Balls laughs his ass off, the duo walk along until they find the edge of a steep cliff.
TWBS: Lemme guess, we gotta go down some more?
BALLS: As your last girlfriend said, yes, you have to go down some more.
TWBS: You are a tremendous asshole. I hope you know that.
Balls giggles as he fires a finger gun in the air.