Instant Hippo Thoughts – Wild Card Sunday, Bitches!, #NuAIDS Season

King Hippo

Hey, y’all.  Who out there is depressed as fuck, knowing that our FITBAW heroine tapers off now, week by week, until it becomes an agonizing, 7-8 month wait?  I sure know I am feeling it.

[Closed captioning…ah fuck, you know the deal by now. Reverend Mayhem is responsible for the drivel in brackets]

But hey, we got some good shit this weekend.  Not all, but at least SOME.  And Ratbirds/Tits [Baltimore Ravens/Tennessee Titans] sure did its part, an absolute classic boxing match of a fixture.  [Only saw the highlights, but yeah, that was impressive] Early on, Tennessee looked like it was going to run away and hide, with some amazing plays made my can-he-possibly-be-human AJ Brown.  [Can we call him Bleeding Nashville?] I felt marginally SMRT for pointing him out as the X-factoUr.  Erotic Smashmouth [Tennessee, based on former coach Mike Mularkey’s famed description of their offense as ‘exotic smashmouth’ football] had a 10-zip lead, and the announcers noted how long it had been since BAL had overcome a double digit deficit.

Then, Greater Harbs [faint praise for older Harbaugh brother John] and his defense adjusted, mostly neutralizing Brown.  Simultaneously…Lamar! happened.  With his patient/explosive combination as a runner, with his vision, and with his laser arm.  We were knotted up at 10 by halftime, and the Ratbirds eventually pounded DonT’s Magnificent Tits into submission.  El Tractorcito [Derrick Henry] was just a dull rumble in the distance, as punt after punt ensued.  Brett Kern is indeed The Weapon, but 13 points is almost NEVAR enough to win a playoff game.  Tanny Fanny [Ryan Tannehill] then got picked on the other side of the 2-minute warning, and Lamar! refused to even let them have the ball back for desperation time.  20-13, and Baltimore invades Kansas City or Buffalo next week (read ON!). [Condolences to Don T, cheers to JJ Fozz]

Our Nickelodeon fixture was not exactly…sponge-worthy, as we learned how an 8-8 squadron tends not to have a 2nd string capable of winning on the road in January.  N’Awlins was rusty/inefficient, and the depleted Bearistocrats! front 7 did all they could – truly, a game effort.  Trubisky even delivered one perfect deep ball…that went right through #83’s hands.  It would be that kind of day, if one is Chi****-inclined.  Aside from that, Bollo del Verdad [Truth Biscuit, Mitch Trubisky] was his usual, worthless self.  Except in garbage time, when VAR overruled a really unnecessary and stupid “dive over the pile” attempt by Breesus.  I mean, he’s like 60 years old with a paper mache ribcage.  This kept the score at 21-3, which became 21-9 on the last play of the game.  Jimmy Graham, making a ridiculous one-handed grab on a wildly inaccurate end zone toss.  Then straight down the tunnel, like he was Lamar! or sommet.

Anyway, let’s all hope the Saints fix their shit for the Divisional Round, since MRSA Dreamboat is coming to town.  It bears noting that NO ass-blasted TB twice in the regular season, including a 38-3 Week 9 bludgeoning – in the Pirate Ship.  We don’t need no dramatics next week – a repeat will do just fine, thanks. [Truth]

In our nightcap, we got #ThePauls.  Playing their first playoff game in almost 20 years.  Trying for their first road playoff win since before Hippo was even fookin’ born (and thanks for the memories, Earnest Byner).  Minus several players (including a key OL) and their HEAD COACH to #NuAIDS.  Looked like a steep mountain to climb.  Might they get a spark from their defense?

Uh…yeah.  Hilarious bad snap recovered in the end zone?  Check.  HARFception followed by LandryDOWN??  Double check.  Stuffs on 2nd and 1, then 3rd and 1, then another touched down to make it 21-nil???

Jeebus, you couldn’t sell that script in Hollywoo…but it really happened.  And we were only 2/3 of the way through the FIRST QUARTER.

The Ben got pickercepted a second time.  The score went to 28-nil, said 28 being the most FITBAW points EVAR scored by one side in the first quarter of ANY NFL playoff game.  And Believeland didn’t even receive the opening kickoff.

I mean, I don’t even know what to type about this.  Some real Hailey’s Comet calibre shit.  It was 35-10 at the half, and I will assume not much happen in the 2nd stanza.  CLE at KC, BAL at BUF.  Giddyup, muthafuckas. 

[Browns considered Brownsing it up, but decided to try something new. Ben ends the game (and hopefully his career) with 500+ yards, 4 TDs and 4 INTs. Somehow appropriate. 48-37 Pauls. KHunt takes on Tyreek Hill in the Chick-fil-A Chickbeater Bowl next week, while the WOOOOOO Bills host the Ratbirds.]

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King Hippo
King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
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Sharkbait

Doug Pederson fired into the sun. At least he got a chance to take a look at the 3rd string QB beforehand.

Bloody Lethal

Anyway you spin it, it looks bad for him and the organization. Either he was set up, like a patsy, to lose and get fired. Or he was losing on purpose to stick it to his bosses. Or he legitimately thought it was the best decision. OR he is really that bad at coaching.

TheRevanchist

Probably 2 out of 3 reasons.

Dunstan

Or they were fine with him “coaching to lose” but didn’t want him to be that blatant about it.

SonOfSpam

“Bye Eagles Bye”

-D. Pederson

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I don’t the Bears quite landed worst playoff team ever but they didn’t do much to advance the narrative either way.

Senor Weaselo

Or at least worst wild-card team.

Bloody Lethal

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m1ERvlxgCD8

This is Lamar’s song right now.

Gumbygirl

You can actually see the moment the gummies kicked in!

Bloody Lethal
TheRevanchist

COVID hits. Terrorists invade the Capitol. And the Browns make the playoffs. This is all starting to make sense. Things need to be put back to normal to close the gates of hell. There is only one man who can right this wrong: Patrick Mahomes.

Horatio Cornblower

I’d love to see the Browns go all the way, but they seem at best a poor third to the Bills and Chiefs.

Sharkbait

I think you’re onto something here. The Cubs winning opened the doors to this hellscape. The Browns might have to win to close it.

We’re fucked.

ballsofsteelandfury

Ravens-Bills is the worst possible matchup for Buffalo. I’m happy the Browns won because the fanbase deserves something nice, but I’m afraid the Chiefs will run them over.

Chiefs-Ravens for the AFC and the Super Bowl if Green Bay somehow doesn’t make it. If they do, they could beat either of them.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Eh. Frankly, the Bills D is built well for containing Lamar! since they are fast as fuck with a secondary that can play on a (collective) island. Daring Dobbins &Co to beat you isn’t a bad strategy.

Don T

Ravens were the better team and beat TEN physically and mentally. Thankfully, The Nickelodeon broadcast thread provided fodder for child abuse jokes and overall tastelessness at the expense of kids. That was a wonderful pick-me-up.

Bloody Lethal

There was also a Cardi B impression. Don’t forget that.

Senor Weaselo

And an f-bomb!

Gumbygirl

I actually enjoyed the Nickelodeon thing. Instead of fucking Berman, they should use those blockheads for the fastest three minutes on MNF. And people should get slimed when they score!

ballsofsteelandfury

Totally agree. We need more fun in the NFL.