MOAR BLOOD TO OIL THE GEARS!: Your College Football Championship/Charcoal-Gray Monday II Open Thread

Huh.  Well that went a different direction than expected…

I’m not surprised to be writing a followup Coaches Gettin’ ShitCanned post this week.  In a historically weak NFC, the Bearistocrats! still needed the Super Bonus Charity Wild Card to qualify for the playoffs.  Listening to Chicago sports radio (having spent part of my misspent youth in the Chicago suburbs, I find it relaxing to hear Bob from Mokena call in to bitch about how the Cubs should trade a Triple-A shortstop for Mike Trout), the theme of the season has been how precarious the Matt Nagy/Ryan Pace/Mitch Trubisky triumvirate is– have they saved their jobs, did last weekend cost them their jobs, etc.  Even during the Happy Time of feasting on carrion for cheap wins, there was a consistent realization that this was Not a Good Team.  So with the Bears being unceremoniously Double Dare’d by the Saints last night and Mitch seeming to be the only Bear who still wants to be on the team next year, I expected Ginny McCaskey to put down the laudenum, pick up the telephone

and do what needed to be done: telling Pace and Nagy to 23 skidoo.

While that may still happen (it takes a while for Virginia to work up the momentum for that crank, even if she is remarkably spry for a tart of her age), it was Doug Pederson of the Philadelphia Iggles who unceremoniously got Hitchbot’d.

Justice 4 HitchBot

You may recall Pederson as the man who delivered the Eagles from the clutches of Chip Kelly and was head coach when they…um…what was it again?

Oh yes, they WON THEIR FIRST SUPER BOWL.

But gratitude lives a short and brutal life in Philly.  Three years later, after his first losing season [EDIT: second losing season. He went 7-9 in his first year] Pederson was Dismissed as head coach after Losing the Locker Room during a 4-11-1 slog.  The seeds were sown at least last off-season, when the Eagles spent a second-round draft pick on QB Jalen Hurts despite having a franchise quarterback whose mega-extension (four years, $128 million contract extension with $107 million guaranteed) was about to kick in. Wentz was pissed, people had questions.  Wentz struggled, eventually getting benched after Week 13 and “irreparably fracturing” his relationship with Pederson. Jalen Hurts did what backups in Philly always do, flashing a lot of promise with just enough questions to make you rightfully nervous.  The nail in the coffin (for the locker room) was the final game of the season, when Pederson pulled Hurts for the third-stringer in a transparent give-up on prime-time national television.  Tanking is accepted in the modern NFL, but you are expected to do it in a somewhat less blatant manner.  To quote Topper Harley:

My father used to say that not playing to win is like sleeping with your sister. Sure she’s a great piece of tail, with a blouse full of goodies, but… it’s just illegal. Then you get into that whole inbred thing. Kids with no teeth who do nothing but play the banjo… eat apple sauce through a straw… pork farm animals.

Jeff Lurie does not like being embarrassed publicly by anyone other than the ex-Mrs. Lurie, and so apparently That was That.  The reality is that Pederson was in trouble as soon as offensive coordinator Frank Reich left town.  Wentz regressed.  Nick Foles resumed being who Foles always is. The running game went to shit and injuries started catching up with them. Supposedly the last straw was Pederson not having a coherent answer about what the offensive identity of the team would be going forward. I get that- he thought having Al Groh’s son replace Reich was a good idea. But here we are.  Adios, Doug- we wish you luck in your inevitable coaching gig in Dallas.

WHAT’S ON TONIGHT:

“College” Football Championship: Alabama vs. Ohio State (8 pm Eastern, 7 pm DFO Standard) ESPN: I have nothing but contempt for Junior Football.  In normal years, its disgustingly exploitative and dangerous even by my loose moral standards.  This year, it is downright reckless- for the “students”, for the staff and for the legions of idiots who think that it means life can go on as normal.  If people gave half the shit about Power 5 schools’ actual job (educating young people and conducting research) as they do about filling their “teams” with a rotating cast of disposable young men who don’t need to go to class to get honors, 1. tuition would be 15% of its current levels, and 2. we’d probably already have flying cars.  WHERE’S MY FLYING CAR!!!?!?!?!?!  For God’s sake, Tommy Fucking Tuberville is a UNITED STATES SENATOR. Jesus, I’m going to have a a fucking aneurysm…

ANYWAY: I normally have even MORE contempt for the “University” of Alabama and Ohio State (as opposed to what- Ohio County? Ohio City?) than most other programs, because they are unapologetically pro teams whose university affiliation just gives them cover.  BUT this year there is this:

So fuck it.  Let’s go Not Nick Sabans!

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem
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The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem
The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem
Feared conqueror; scholar; poet; revered holy man; professional raconteur; soldier of fortune; gentle yet thorough lover; bandit; blazing gypsy speedboat. I have been called some of these things.
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Bloody Lethal
TheRevanchist

Having just got home, I missed the entire game. Looks like The Crimson Flow more than doubled the points from An Ohio State. Too bad the losing team couldn’t even get to double digit wins. Coastal Carolina had 11.

I’m saying I hate all teams from Ohio, but only because I’m apathetic towards The Bungles.

Brocky

confession: the commercial where the two soldiers joke about the singing fish was actually pretty funny

herodotus450

“The number of commercials so far in this game–I mean previous play, is under review.”

herodotus450

That’s probably the end of that chapter.

Bloody Lethal

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herodotus450

Just gonna leave this here for all the chucklefucks still rooting for Alabama
https://sports.yahoo.com/alabama-fans-pack-bars-for-cfp-title-game-in-violation-of-covid-19-regulations-023712137.html

Senor Weaselo

It’s like the Goodall expy in the Simpsons Safari episode. “Medals will make everything okay!”
/And I still use Pepsi Presents New Zanzibar in everyday conversation

Brocky

for the hyperlink impaired
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herodotus450

3 or 4 more career ending injuries on Bama’s side and we might have a ball game.

Brocky

Redshirt:
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LemonJello

THIS OHIO STATE TEAM, I CALL THE PRETTIEST COUSIN BECAUSE EVERYONE IN AN ALABAMA JERSEY IS TAKING TURNS FUCKING THEM

Redshirt

Bad news for Ohio State: Alabama is coming out for the second half.

LemonJello

Dislocated/broken finger for Smith? Call it a night and get ready for the draft.

Brocky

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Redshirt

Take away the muscles and that pretty much describes my before and after picture for 2020.

Brick Meathook

The man has lived a full life.

Brocky

a full life FIGHTING ROUND THE WORLD!!!

Redshirt

Based on the first half, the Buckeyes plan appears to be give the receivers so much open space, that they would claim ownership of that area of the field and build homes and fences and be too tired to play in the 2nd half.

Gumbygirl

40 acres and a mule.

Senor Weaselo

Ah, the old Homestead Defense!

LemonJello

To be backed up by the Dysentery Plan?

Game Time Decision

Is that better or worse than the prevent defence?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Who’s winning the match?

LemonJello

“Mom doesn’t let me have matches, ever since the Great Comic Book Fire of ’92.”

-E. Manning

Senor Weaselo

I feel like you can guess.

Gumbygirl

This should help you, Redshirt

8c50c49e35cf01a48069feee91760b53189368d8f5de05513061180a1d869ea4_1 (1)_1061112224485840.jpg
Redshirt

Current mood:
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Redshirt

Well, at least I have baseball to look forward to.

King Hippo

NL Central will be the Dirt Special Needs Division, nobody even appears to be trying

Redshirt

I think you insulted the NFC Least there.

Brocky

wrong number announcements are alway weird.

i once got credited for a sack while standing on the sideline. backup was #90 while i was #70

Redshirt

…how?! His number is round, you’re has a corner!

Brocky

cuz I’m so freaking awesome and he just assumed I had gotten my fourth sack of the game?

… just kidding, it was jv, i had gotten one sack, but i guess jv games get jv announcers.

unrelated, most one sided game I’ve ever been a part of. 5a squad vs a 2a squad with a bunch of freshman, the refs told us to stop blocking their punts after we did it 3 straight times

LemonJello

If they left right now, could the Buckeyes get to the airport before the 2nd half started?

Spur

how many are on the No Fly list now?

Redshirt

Based on the first half, not any of the secondary.

LemonJello

I heard they borrowed a private charter from another team.

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Brocky

football should legitimately have a rule where you can only get pass interference calls if you’re not up by 20

Don T

You and me both, Doug
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Senor Weaselo

Fuck you I won’t do what you tell me (by putting Sudfeld in)

King Hippo

/Tom Morello, NFL prophet

King Hippo

what a coincidence, they were sick of paying him!

WCS

People telling other people what to do in Philadelphia? Well, I never!

King Hippo

The Gang Forms A Union

Spur

I FUCKING TOLD YOU I dont want cheese whiz!

LemonJello

Which do you think he got more sick of hearing from Philly sports radio:

  • to have carnal relations with himself
  • to have carnal relations with his mother
  • to consume his own excrement and then commit suicide
WCS

Yes.

Redshirt

Intern: “What do you want to drink, Coach.”
Pederson: “I’ll take a Coke.”
Intern: “They only have Pepsi.”
Pederson: “I AM SICK AND TIRED OF PEOPLE TELLING ME WHAT I CAN AND CAN’T HAVE!”

herodotus450

(Guy blows his knee out on the play)
Yeah lets just make him walk off the field on it

King Hippo
SonOfSpam

“We ain’t gonna fall for that again”

-police, winking at the terrorists

Senor Weaselo

And Divisional weekend, smh

King Hippo

srsly!!! Ain’t nothing sacred no MOAR

LemonJello

tOSU can hope for another fifteen or twenty targeting penalties on Bama?

SonOfSpam

“Not really cover the best player in the country” is a bold strategy that is somehow not paying off for the Buckeyes.

Maybe they should ask if Bama will change into maize and blue at halftime.

King Hippo

Please just stop hurting us. – tOSU

Fronkenshteen

Jesus, he wasn’t even running hard.

WCS

Somehow, Saban will still be pissed about this.

King Hippo

I mean, they had 10 men on the pitch for 3rd and long that just can’t happen

Spur

Let see those Ohio State tearscomment image

King Hippo

They had a linebacker on #6. A WHITE linebacker

Spur

Come on Satan shut these punks up

Spur

3 & Out
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Spur

I heard Michigan is out of covid quarantine. Ohio State want to beat on some cupcakes to feel better?

LemonJello

“That’s no way to treat cupcakes.”
-A. Reid

Redshirt

Welp.

Gumbygirl

RTR!

Spur

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Mr. Ayo

The competitive portion of this game has ended.

King Hippo

who had the ball to start the half? Have genuinely forgotted

Mr. Ayo

Ohio St. You may need to up your dosage.

herodotus450

Osu got the opening kickoff. Maybe Bama will defer again to start the second?

King Hippo

be good FOAR ratings

Senor Weaselo

Out of competitive fairness?

LemonJello

tOSU. Bama gets it to start the 2nd.

litre_cola

So I am no D Coordinator, but you would want to cover the guy who won the fucking Heisman.

Brick Meathook

The first concert I ever attended. My mom drove me there:

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Brocky

my uncle is still ticked that the once chance he had to see then got cancelled due to Bonham dying

Gumbygirl

I had tickets to see them and Robert Plant’s son died. It was an acceptable excuse, but I was disappoint.

Brocky

targeting
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WCS

Sorry, Mac.

Redshirt

Good God, King! That’s BLEERGH’s music!

Last edited 7 days ago by Redshirt
herodotus450

You name a guy Battle, what do you expect?

Mr. Ayo

Bye, bye, #9

Spur

Satan has deep pockets.

Spur

Dead Trump Supporter on the field

The Maestro

So apparently Alabama is good at college football, from what I’m hearing. Can someone confirm this?

LemonJello

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Senor Weaselo

If they elected a shitty coach senator, would they vote for Saban (hold on) even if he had a D next to his name?
/I know he wouldn’t but this is the “Hurricane Ditka” question

Gumbygirl

From what his son says (Gumby knows him somehow) he’s a moderate to conservative leaning Dem.

King Hippo

yep, he’s buddies with Sen. Manchin (and cut ads for him)

LemonJello

Wouldn’t they just give him a knighthood, beatification and installed as dictator for life?

King Hippo

Now I want to see that 3rd string placement man, from the hash

Senor Weaselo

From 50+ I assume, to make it interesting?

herodotus450

Looks like Fields is also basically out as a running threat; let’s see what happens.

King Hippo

FALSE FLAG!!!!1111

Mr. Ayo

Excellent and timely analysis!