The DFO Monday Morning Mock Draft, Chapter The Second

One of the biggest things I miss from our old site was the mock drafts that used to run every Friday.  Those were fantastic time wasters, and a good one was a virtual guarantee that you were going to be far from productive at work, as your day instead degenerated into arguments with strangers over who would be the best Saturday cartoon character to have sex with or some other equally inane topic, all of which were still more important than that TPS report deadline your boss was yelling about.  Good times.

Well, it’s been long enough.  After a discussion in the back channels yours truly is bringing it back, with some slight rule changes.  The old site had 4-5 main contributors, one of whom may not have been real.  So they’d do 2-3 rounds themselves, then kick it to the kommentariat to draft whatever was left over.  You can do that when you’ve only taken 10-15 of whatever topic was up for drafting.  We, however, are a much more connected group when it comes to the writin’ and draftin’ of things, so if we did that we’d easily take out 30-50 before we threw the bedraggled leftovers to our beloved readership.  That’s no fun.  So these drafts, which I expect to last as long as I remember to do them, (2-3 weeks), will just leap right into it.

Also, for content and alliteration reasons, we’ve moved the draft to Monday mornings, so get ready to kill your productivity right from the start.

Yours in the comments, first come, first served.  For now, please wait 10 picks before making another one.  That will be revised up or down depending on how much participation we get, which I hope will be a lot.

This weeks topic:  CARTOON CHARACTERS YOU’D HAVE SEX WITH!

Yep, I threatened to do this on Friday and by God and by damn we’re going with it.  We go to this week’s Commissioner to explain this week’s rules.  Sir, the floor is yours.

GREETINGS AND SALUTATIONS!  The rules are as follows:  1)  No kink shaming; you’re drafting cartoon characters you’d bone down with, there are no heroes here.  2)  Wait 10 picks, or 30 minutes, before making your next pick.  3)  Your pick must be an individual, which is just me getting out in front of Hippo drafting the female cast of Archer and calling it a day. 4)  Anyone drafting Scrappy Doo, or so much as acknowledging his existence, gets banned.

With that said, with the first pick in the inaugural DFO Monday Morning Mock Draft, Horatio Cornbl

BALLSOFSTEELANDFURY:  Kool Aid Man my ass, it’s me, Balls, and I could give a shit about your toast, roasted or otherwise.  Nothing and no one is stopping me from drafting Francois From Archer, the Pele of Anal!

HORATIO:  (brushing splinters out of his hair) OK, fine, I probably should have seen that coming.  And built a stronger wall.  With the second pick of the inaugural DFO Monday Morning Mock Draft, I will ta

KING HIPPO:  CAROL TUNT!!  CHERYL TUNT!!  WHATEVER HER NAME IS, I’M TAKING THAT TUNT FROM ARCHER!!

YOU CAN’T STOP ME BECAUSE YOU’RE NOT MY SUPERVISOR!!!

Horatio: (picking wallboard out of his teeth)  I knew this was a bad idea.  Fine.  (looks around, realizes he doesn’t know any other DFO-2-Diminesional Crushes and is therefore safe)  With the third pick of the inaugural DFO Monday Morning Mock Draft, I will take Holli Would from Cool World.

The rest of you, have at it in the comments.  And Balls and Hippo, I accept large and small bills, so don’t be stingy.

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Beerguyrob

Since I got here late, and think I perused the comments correctly, I’ll be taking:

She-racomment image

Mary Jane Watson & Black Catcomment image

Black Widowcomment image

Luanne Plattercomment image/revision/latest?cb=20130519043703

bk109

Plus since we’re taking animated characters here, so … you also kinda doinked with Scar-Jo … but aside from all of those… yer fine

Beerguyrob

Too many options, plus ScarJo anytime is good for me.

bk109

Eh, sure if you’re into talented, sultry-voiced, (given tha I’m yet to hear her say something iffy) smart, beautiful women…

Doktor Zymm

Based on a brief perusal, it appears every single male animated character is still on the board?

Doktor Zymm

Gotta go with Barbados Slim, after all, he has Olympic medals in both limbo AND sexcomment image

ballsofsteelandfury

And my next steal is Turanga Leela from Futurama:
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ballsofsteelandfury

Ok, I’m REALLY late and scotchnaut took my Heavy Metal pick, but I’ve noticed there are a couple of steals available, so here we go:

Pacific Island Pam:
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Tell me that wouldn’t be a lot of fun!

blaxabbath

THIS CARSON WENTZ’S CAREER I CALL IT 500,000 DEAD AMERICANS BECAUSE IT AIN’T COMING BACK!

Dunstan

I guess I’ll branch out slightly from the redheads*, and go with the pink-haired Erin Esurance. When I went to find a picture, though, I discovered that the reason Esurance stopped using her in their ad campaigns was that fans were going a little crazy with, uh, “adult” images of her.

Esurance Axes Erin After the Secret Agent Took on an X-Rated Life of Her Own – CBS News

*– I did consider Lois Griffin. We know that she’s kinky as fuck and has very low standards in men, but the combination of another redhead and that atrocious accent disqualified her.

Senor Weaselo

Shit, that’s a good pick.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Yep, anything character that got discontinued because fans were over-sexualizing them is an A+ pick.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Mallory before Lana is…..fucked up beyond freudian

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

No, you are already too busy babysitting that child Starfire that you drafted.

Senor Weaselo

I didn’t actually get a chance to pick but since we said video game characters are in, I’m cashing in on my first video game crush, with Lyn from FE7 (Fire Emblem)
(Because localization made her 18.)comment image

Last edited 14 days ago by Senor Weaselo
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Shit, i meant to take chung li

Warthog

For my last pick it’s my turn for a redhead. MJ.
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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Tallying them up, I got:

1. Foxxy Love
2. Lynn Minmay
3. Stripperella
4. Callie Maggotbone
5. Jeannie the Genie

Not terrible. I give myself a B.

bk109

Uh, my only comment on the matter is … that somehow ^ gave birth to v , because 2020 was weird, lol
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and with that I’m out, lol … Hopefully I won’t catch y’all in 2 to 15 mins 😀

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

My understanding of the rules is that you are drafting an ANIMATED CHARACTER. Your adult version is just some drawing in a comic book. What you actually drafted is a fucking child, you disgusting pervert. I guess it’s somewhat mitigated by the fact that it was the 13-year old you that did the drafting, but you can explain the details of that to your neighbors when you let them know how you ended up on the registry.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

5th Pick: Jeannie the genie. I will never frustrate your attempts to please me, baby.
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LemonJello

Potential steal of the draft, right there.

Warthog

Solid choice.

bk109

Fuck it, since I’m gonna bolt for the evening – here’s my 6th and final pick:
Ashley Williams (from Mass Effect)comment image

Which completes my lineup of
Cocaine Pam: comment image
Miranda “Genetically engineered to be perfect in every way” Lawsoncomment image
Juliana Calderoncomment image
Aki Rosscomment image
Jesse Fadencomment image
and the aforementioned Commander Ashley “Letting Kaidan burn in nuclear fire was worth it” Williamscomment image

King Hippo

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I know this link won’t work, but I take this pick even though Birdgirl/Paget did NOT get that THING ah sent her…

Last edited 14 days ago by King Hippo
King Hippo

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Warthog

Morticia Addams
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The Maestro

Oh shit. Yeah, I agree completely.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I thought of it two hours ago but I didn’t think it was a good enough pick to even bother looking up whether there was an animated version of the show.

Brick Meathook

Trixie:

comment image

Warthog

Value pick.

bk109

Only if you value jail time, because yet again someone picked carelessly XD

Trixie is a 17 year old girl (age given in Junk Car Grand Prix) who also happens to be a helicopter pilot, navigation whiz (see her quick calculations in Fire Race determining the Mach Five had to average 160 mph to win), and is, wouldn’t you know, crazy about Speed. She gets jealous easily when other girls catch Speed’s eye, or even appear to! Trixie, like Speed, is also a well-trained, fearless martial artist. Even when the bad guys have the advantage in numbers, you can count on Trixie to keep her cool.

Warthog

If they’re racing at Talladega, it’s all good.

bk109

Actually 17 is just right for having a PP license, lol (and you can solo at 16.. you just can’t get the license until you turn 17)

Ironically, you may be able to (in theory) get a mil cert earlier, if you get in at 16 and somehow manage the aviation track (but that’s uber competitive at the best of times), so I guess volunteering to get shot at 16 has its perks 🙁
..Also, that’s one of the odd things I never got about age restrictions in the states – you can get married and go to war at 16, vote at 18 … but can crack a beer only at 21?!

Last edited 14 days ago by bk109
Warthog

Just seems unfair that a cartoon crush you have when you’re 10 is no longer valid 40 years later.

Brick Meathook

Trixie is legit and she stays. Touch her and Chim Chim rips your face off. You gals clutch your pearls down at the church and not out here at the track.

bk109

Who said life or pointless (but fun) online drafts are fair? Also.. tee-hee-heee kiddos are spending the night with the in-laws again thanks to the collective nuttiness of DFO, so cheers for the assist y’all!

Brick Meathook

Age of Consent in Japan is 13; they’re thinking of raising it to 16.

I’m In Like Flynn.

bk109

D’ya see any tentacles or used panties vending machines here?! … No? ’cause this ain’t neither (double negative… sue me) Japan nor Epstein Island

Brick Meathook

or Dublin

Brick Meathook

Chim Chim can watch (but not Spritle; that would be wrong)

comment image

bk109

Since I’m not gonna use any of them… you lads and lasses can pick Leliana and Morrigan from DA:Ocomment image
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BrettFavresColonoscopy

My squad is currently

April O’Neill
She-Ra
Anna Spanikopita
Wonder Woman
Betty Cooper
Rona Thorne

That’s pretty solid.

bk109

That’s a nice solid lineup you got the… Wait, 6?! I think I gotta think about my closer 😀

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Alright Horatio said 10 picks or 30 minutes, so taking what i think will be my last pick

Shit covered kelp aside, I’m taking strong value from the remaining Archer pool and picking Rona Thorne…which is gonna be AMAZING!
comment image/revision/latest/scale-to-width-down/340?cb=20110320214300

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I left you Veronica Deane, Trinette, Pita, and that Stewardess that I assumed Balls would take due to being into Greek.

LemonJello

HEY! I’m an idiot at my desk in my office, thankyouverymuch!

bk109

In all fairness, this draft helped out a lot here, lol … Also, I think everyone that didn’t pick goddamn jailbait (“accidentally” of course) is a winner here 😛

Game Time Decision

Quinn\Nightfall from Final Space

bk109

Since I’m gonna have to bolt for dinner for awhile …plus I lost track on who’s picking whom, with my 5th pick, I’m going with Jesse Faden from Control… because everything’s better with redheads(even when you realize after like 9 months of dating your future wife that she’s actually blonde… and you just didn’t make the connection between the hair dye and her varying hair colour… YES, I am that clueless at times XD )
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Edit:Whoops:

Last edited 14 days ago by bk109
Dunstan

Somehow I managed to end up with three redheads on my three picks (Firestar, Hawkgirl, Jane Jetson). I didn’t set out to do this, but am ok with it.

Dunstan

With all the controversy over the attempted pick of Judy Jetson, I feel like everyone just forgot about Jane. So she’s my next pick, which I feel is fantastic value at this point in the draft.

SonOfSpam

She gon take all your money

Warthog

comment image

Dunstan

Oh, I’m not marrying her. She can continue to take George’s money

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

4th pick will be Callie Maggotbone from Ugly Americans. Can’t say no to a half-succubus!
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Warthog

What’s the other half?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

RIP Horatio’s targeted ads after all these searches checking if cartoon characters are 18….

bk109

I’d be more concerned the next time he travels on a plane or tries to cross a border :p

bk109

Don’t worry, at the speed this bugger is mutating, we’ll all get vaccinated just in time to see a completely immune strain pop up to ruin our summer 😀

scotchnaut
WCS

Alright, fine. If Zelda is off limits, give me Pam Poovey.
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I’m a chubby chaser anyway, and, according Sterling Archer himself, she’s incredible in bed.

scotchnaut

You need to do some scrolling…

WCS

Goddamn, I’m bad at this.

The Maestro

bk109 took her hours ago. Pick again!

(This is like when the 1995 Ottawa Rough Riders drafted a dead guy.)

bk109

No, I specifically took the cocaine edition Pam, so the pick is still fine (if he’s picking pre-Vice or alternate world Pams)!

Last edited 14 days ago by bk109
bk109

Agree (as stated below) on why the pick is good, BUT … Coked Pam is still part of the main continuity (Archer Vice is season 5, the shitshow that were the season-long alternate worlds began after Archer got shot in the Season 7 finale)

… also what’s the consensus on when this show lost the plot? My take’s pre-Vice (and became borderline unwatchable after :1999) ?

bk109

I tried to do a complete rewatch with my wife in anticipation of Season 10 (during the utter lack of decent telly thanks to the pandemic) and we noticed that we lost interest/steam before the last non-dream season and that basically all the quotable moments and memorable moments ended in like … Season 4 (probably because after the initial success the show’s creative team tried to force more/bigger jokes instead of letting things advance a bit more naturally which … degraded the fun factor by a lot)

Last edited 14 days ago by bk109
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Thanks to Warthog’s flip flop, I’ll take Betty from the Archie comics
comment image?w=980&q=75

The Maestro

I… what?

I’m baffled and curious all at once.

Warthog

I’d like to know more about those hamburgers.

scotchnaut

“What are we going to do with all these scissors?”

-B and V, opening their wedding gifts

Game Time Decision

Gina Jabowski from Paradise PD.
So Sarah Chalke double shot

And the character likes heavy guys, so i have a chance.

bk109

Given the amount of questionable choices already made in this draft… I’ll make a questionable joke myself:

With “Consent In A Can”, Everyone has a chance with everyone else! comment image

Warthog

I live just a couple miles away from their factory. Yes, it’s quite scenic.

bk109

Nothing wrong with that … well, except the explosion risk 😀 Funny enough, ^ is also really good for gluing plexiglass (in fact I only learned the “consent in a can” joke thanks to AvE’s youtube channel 😀 )

Warthog

I’m worried less about the plant and more about the train cars with all the diamonds on them.
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bk109

Yeah, I keep an eye out for them when driving as well, because… well, I really don’t feel particularly good if I see any of them in my vicinity 😀

Warthog

Going back to space for my next pick. Clone Beth. She’s the one on the right. (Or is she?) Plus Sarah Chalkecomment image

Last edited 14 days ago by Warthog
WCS

Princess Zelda
comment image

Yeah, she was a bitch, but, I’d kill for the chance to disappoint her after 30 seconds.

bk109

… wasn’t Zelda like canonically like under 18? … Commish, what does the “ruh-roh” check say?

WCS

The show came out in 1989. She’s legal by now.
comment image

bk109

… yeah, no – we already did this dance with Hippo picking Kim Possible and the canonical age is the one in the show, not the years since it first aired, because by your logic it’s going to be fine to lust after “insert pre-teen in a tv show from like … the 80s”, just because “he/she ‘s all grown up now”