Gentle Kommenters,
Below you will find a curated selection of excerpts from the Los Angeles Craigslist Personals. All are real lines from real ads…except one. At the risk of horning in on the Occasional Puzzle goodness, try to guess which one I made up:
1. I won’t fuck your friends
2. no BBw please also no gay guys and any other freaks.
3. diner ready any wana share me it
4. LET’S GO BLOWING THIS WEEKEND
5. I am in a dead end marriage and don’t know whether I should leave or not. I just don’t know if this is as good as it gets or not. Are you better than her? Should I leave?
6. Please only read further if you have or have ever had a serious secret desire to receive an anal tonguing experience.
7. I am a good looking asian,5’10”, 32 years old man looking for some chubby or little heavy girl (Not Black)
8. Hi there I am looking for a woman who is involved in recovery, I am an attractive and 6’2 200Lbs
9. i’m black & white, 5’10, love to play sports and dance. young ladies who were BORN a girl
10. i have a sneeze fetish. it turns me on to see women sneeze.. the wetter the better. if you would be interested in experimenting with this, or have done this before.. please email me.
11. we were married in the 70’s I cannot find you
12. A bit about me –I’m not your “typical” WOMAN — I’m not FAT, don’t have herpes, and I sure as hell don’t eat rice every day!
13. ive been single for a few weeks now so if you get me drunk, you’d probably get a blow job. just throwing it out there. send me a pic or a link to your myspace and ill send you mine. everyone has a myspace — if you don’t you’re creepy!!!
14. I’m not your average Jewish girl; I am nice.
15. With this guy I don’t want to have to worry about anything financial because he’ll take care of. I mean that’s wat there for right? I wanna kno wat its like to be treated like a princess
16. Have you ever had a PBR? Do you even know what one is?
17. Be discreet. Be loyal. Be sane. Be disease free. Be single. Be Drama Free. Be generous. Be humorous. Be Intelligent. Be height and weight porpotioned. Be oral. Be packing a 9″ or more penis.
18. if you are interested in talking to someone depressed and lonely please send me a pic and i will send you mine.
19. Ashley Madison is too expensive. I’d prefer we spend that money on In ‘N Out and champagne.
20. Long walks on the beach, snuggling to some smooth jazz with my cats while reading a book, keeping up with what’s going on in this world, hitting up the trendy new art gallery and going out for a cup of coffee are just some of the things I don’t like do to. (Ed. Note: I almost wrote to this girl.)
21. UPDATE: To the guy who sent me an email saying only “Lets see if oyur interested”, and then corrected himself sending another email saying only “Lets see if your interested (sorry)”, I just want to let you know that it’s actually “you’re”. Hopefully this helps in your future internet endeavors. (Ed. Note: This one too.)
22. Do you like persimmons?
23. Someone please save me!!!! All I really want is strong blk man’s touch. I’m so tired of riding my imagination and masterbating it’s pathetic
Correct answer below:
#19 is fake. Cuntler is exactly right. I even considered misspelling “champagne” on purpose.
Congrats to Cuntler, who is the only one to get it right, and even pointed something I thought of while writing it but ultimately declined to do. As your prize, you get to date one of these psychos!
I think we should at least get to pick his date.
No, I’m good.
I am never, ever gonna get one of these DFO puzzles right. I am easily the stupidest person here, and it’s really not close. Even when not migraine-y or pilled out.
If it makes you feel any better I don’t even try.
Not trying is the smartest move of all. I shall bet you have made it much farther up the law-talking-guy food chain than I have.
http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-PLyCwdvwbsI/TYZZ2ikyKMI/AAAAAAAAAqI/tI6D7Bu2UFw/s1600/Kids-you-tried-your-best-and-you-failed-miserably-The-lesson-is-never-try.jpg
Without reading the Komments, I shall bet 16 as the fakery.
I kept my ads personal for a reason!
Persimmons, yeah?
No. 20 without a doubt!
no fucking way that’s real! Just try to cuddle with cats and a book! Books are known cat magnets–like scented candles for raccoons (apparently).
And… has anyone ever been able to read to “smooth jazz”? My eyelid starts to rage twitch so hard I lose sight of the page in like five minutes.
Right, which is why those are all things she doesn’t do.
Ah yes, Smooth Jazz… The cultural methadone for Upper Crust White People everywhere.
Balls of Steel had a good idea…I edited the post so the correct answer is at the bottom for you to reveal.
Nicely done!
So am I incompetent, or is it not working for anyone else? Yes, I realize both can be true.
Got it, I’m incompetent. And I was wrong, so 2 for 2!
We can blame it on your spleen, right?
Since I’m compulsively refreshing DFO and KSK from the same hospital still, yes, we can blame it on my spleen.
Oh shit, kitten. Sorry to hear. Cuntler might still be up for the limp-wristed, disinterested handy? (please tell me that was Cuntler because I am way too lazy to double check that)
It was Cuntler, but if there’s a wait list, I have no objection.
So, at least they determined it is your spleen?
Disinterested handys aside, I hope all is well, and if you need anything, hit me up at [email protected].
At first I thought #22 (no one knows what a persimmon is), but now I think it’s #14. No. Fucking. Way.
I think I may be in love with #20
I was too.
Protip: Don’t ever respond to any online dating posting that mentions grammar. She’s guaranteed to know the difference between your and you’re, and between there, their, and they’re, and to still regularly say things like “very unique” and “irregardless.”
Alots and grammarians just don’t mix.
Anal and gramarians don’t mix either
This angers the alot
http://i.imgur.com/HAUxkdG.png
I’m going with #17. Mostly because my own inadequacies won’t let me believe that 9″ penises are a thing.
Hey, it looks like your inadequacies took over when you answered that craigslist ad:
http://gawker.com/police-find-decomposing-legs-severed-arm-in-connecticu-1718135265
SERIAL KILLER!
These are ridiculous! Who would ever respond to these?!
/pulls up CL to respond to the champagne & In-N-Out (& IN-and-OUT) ad
I’VE BEEN CATFISHED!
*bats eyelashes*
/looks at WEW
/looks at bottle of champagne and bag of IN-N-Out and condoms he’s carrying
Eh, you’ll do.
#19. You spelled champagne right.
I’m guessing #13 is the fake one because I can’t believe anyone in LA has a MySpace.
Not saying you’re wrong (you’re wrong) but I’ve collected these over a few years. I’m a found comedy scavenger.
Do we need to go to Rikki’s puzzle answer post to find out the answer?
I edited the post to include the answer at the bottom.
My guess is 6.
Oh, and I’m no more territorial over the Occasional Puzzle territory than my cat apparently is over our yard. So anyone who wants to host one please feel free. The same goes for Dear [DFO] Forum.
I’m with you, 6 is the phony.
#6 is absolutely positively real. I will buy everyone here a In-n-Out Double Double if that’s not real.
My guess is number 2.
I’m just surprised there wasn’t an ad seeking number 2.
I think that’s the happy surprise you get with #6.
“Persimmons, persimmons, persimmons. It’s all I ever hear about. What about me?”
-Kumquats