Your “Try Not To Kill ALL Of Your Family” Thanksgiving-Eve Wednesday Night Open Thread

NFL News:

  • No doubt in response to DFO’s expert analysis, Packers president Mark Murphy said Wednesday he’s not firing anybody.
    • His answer takes a shot at some teams: “Well, if you look across the league, when those individual owners do things like that, it usually doesn’t turn out very well.”
  • Injury bug:
    • Gronk – out another week
    • Luke Kuechly and Ryan Kalil – held out of practice
    • Stefon Diggs – questionable
    • RGIII – returning to full practice, but still not starting
    • Chris Johnson – season-ending IR
  • Really unhappy with his 10-game PED suspension (with 4 games left to serve), Lane Johnson is taking both the NFL and NFLPA to the National Labor Relations Board (NLRB), hoping he can find their negotiated language around the issue invalid, thereby waiving his sentence and possibly qualifying him for back-pay.
    • Kind of a smart move, going around the courts and into the realm of the bureaucrat. Having had to defend a teacher’s union contract before (as local president), you never know which way a panel will go.
      • Courts tend to stick to the letter of the agreement; government panels look for “intent” and “interpretation”.

Super Bowl ticket packages of just tickets & field access went on sale today via NFL Ticket Exchange. At present, they have three tiers:

  • Captains – starting at $6000
  • Legends – starting at $10500
  • MVP – starting at $11500

Is it possible to hope both Cowboys fans & Patriots fans pay maximum money for maximum disappointment?

Finally, nfl.com has a delightful short piece on Steve Smith and what keeps him going. “Generational ass whoopings.” It seems Smith wants to keep playing until his son is ready to play in the NFL, so there will be players both will have played against, “and [he can say] my dad beat you like a drum, so I’m going to beat you like a drum.”

ESPN follows up with a longer story about trash talking, which includes this bit that boils Steve Smith down:

“I’ve had two rookies that unfortunately, they have lost all respect for me, so it’s been really keeping me up at night. It’s tragic. I’ve been losing sleep. With all the lack of sleep, I know we lost, but I was almost unable to send my cleats and gloves all the way to Canton because of the lack of the sleep thing.”


As is tradition, I’m going to celebrate US Thanksgiving in the usual Beerguyrob ways:

  • teaching
  • bitching about how I have to try and sneak viewings of the game while teaching
  • laughing at the carnage of Black Friday news reports on the teevee

Oh, and marvelling at the traffic chaos. Mom tried driving from Palm Springs to Cabazon yesterday, and it was so bad she felt the need to call and tell me about it. While it isn’t I-10, here’s what I-405 looked like last night.

Looks like fun. I don’t love family that much.

What’s a true shame is that the two day games (West Coast = Best Coast) actually seem like worthwhile contests. I can count on CNN to interrupt their stop-motion coverage of the pending Trump-ocalypse to give me people stabbing each other over $100 flat screens in Intercourse, Pennsylvania.


While on the topic of Thanksgiving, year-end brings the onset of many “best-of” lists. Of the few that mean anything to me, one involves the naming of The Whisky Exchange’s “Whisky of the Year”. For 2016, that means it’s the “Machir Bay” by Kilchoman.

“Named after the most spectacular beach on Islay, Machir Bay is the flagship of the Kilchoman range. It’s aged in ex-bourbon barrels, which brings out vanilla and toffee sweetness, then finished in ex-oloroso sherry casks, adding fruit and spice. If you’ve never tried an Islay whisky before, you must give this one a go – it’s fresh and fruity with a rich layer of wood smoke adding character and complexity.”

I’m not an Islay drinker, but that does look like a sexy dram.

In comparison, the Whisky Bible named Booker’s Rye “13 Years, 1 Month, 12 Days” its World Whisky of the Year.

“Booker’s Rye 13 Years, 1 Month, 12 Days began life as an experiment by Booker Noe – grandson of Jim Beam – at the family distillery in Clermont, KY, shortly before his death in 2004. After he passed away aged 74, son Fred kept an eye on his casks – and the result is pure liquid gold… [It’s] a staggering example of a magnificent rye, showing exactly what genius actually means. A very big, unforgettable whiskey from a very big, unforgettable man.”

That might be worth crossing the border for this weekend, exchange-rate be damned.


Tonight’s sports:

  • NBA:
    • Spurs at Hornets – 7:00 PM | ESPN
    • Raptors vs. Rockets – 8:00 PM | TSN
    • Timberwolves at Pelicans – 9:30 PM | ESPN
    • Lakers vs. Warriors – 10:30 PM | TSN
  • NHL:
    • Leafs at Devils – 7:00 | Sportsnet
    • Jets at Wild – 7:00 | Sportsnet360
    • Flyers at Lightning – 7:30 PM | NBCSN
    • Blackhawks at Sharks – 10:00 PM | NBCSN

South Park is dark again this week, so I leave you to find the movie marathon of your choice. If all else fails, remember – TOMORROW WE (i.e. – you) FOOTBALL!

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Beerguyrob
A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
...

Answer to mystery product review: “Powerful, muscular, well-textured, and invigorating.”

http://www.binnys.com/spirits/Ardbeg_Corryvreckan_160041.html

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Unsurprised

/Rex Ryan runs off to change his pants

Doktor Zymm

I was closest without going over, I think

Spanky Datass

Whisky is always the best answer.

...

Plus you can probably fuck the bottle.

...

Guess the reviewed product!

“Powerful, muscular, well-textured, and invigorating.”

Shogun Marcus

Showerhead?

Doktor Zymm

GMO Turkey

ALXMAC

Shampoo.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

REVIEW OF A GREAT PASS RUSHER.

Spanky Datass

DFO Commentists?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Shogun Marcus

A not-so life-sized doll…
The size throws you off. From crotch to neck it is as long as a standard pillow is wide, which gives the impression of infant with large breast. To put it another way, in the “missionary” position the breast are against your stomach. The doll weighs about 20 pounds, good mass, but is ‘floppy’ when you pick it up, since it does not have a backbone. Again, I feel like I am picking up an infant cradling the doll in my hands as I lift it up. Simulated “Female dominant” positions do not work. The doll is cold to the touch, not something you snuggle next to while asleep unless you put some clothes on it. An old t-shirt worked since I was not going to buy lingerie for this thing. As for as the business end of this doll? Both front and rear entry’s are very stimulating, two or three minutes is all it takes. If you release inside, clean up can be a pain and I am not sure how the foam core would hold up to water. I elect for a porn ending as it is easier to clean the dolls stomach or back. Dust with corn meal before you put her away to keep the skin of the doll in good shape.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

THIS IS A VERY PRACTICAL AND USEFUL REVIEW.

ballsofsteelandfury

comment image

Unsurprised

Great. Now I’m on a watchlist for putting that into google search to find out what it’s about

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Btw, Rob and other whisky lovers, I’m a huge fan of kilchoman. The 100% Islay is awesome, not just because of the pretension of having barley grown and malted right on the farm where they distill and age it.

Doktor Zymm

...

Binny’s appears to have some special releases from this particular distillery. I wish there were I way I could try some.

Doktor Zymm

Let’s go to Scotland!

...

I’ve contemplated a Scotland trip for the sole purpose of consuming lots of Scotch so this is a thing I’m open to doing.

Doktor Zymm

I went a few years back in January, but lots of stuff is closed then. I had a great time though, and non-peak tourist season is pretty great. I’m limited on vacation for 2017 though since I’m taking 2 weeks+1 in October.

Senor Weaselo

The only time I went was for a youth orchestra tour when I was 13. Some can argue things were never the same after that, and not for the better. But we got to go to the military tattoo, that was fun. Except that was the day it all went to…
/Hits self, tells self to let it go

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Come visit me, I’ll share some of my supply.

ballsofsteelandfury

One of the greatest gifs ever

...

She seems nice.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

So much rye has been consumed tonight at my girlfriend’s family’s place.

ballsofsteelandfury

I had run across this big beauty one fine day in an adult store. My significant other and I purchased it after hours of perusing and phone research, we took it home, waiting the required 2 hours of charging (omg…. waiting – tapping my fingers impatiently) and then…..

5 stars!!!!!! multiple body tensing, tear inducing, fingers clawing, orgasms…. just wow..

Months later, I felt the need to purchase my own. I swear – there must have been a firmware update; there seems to be a new option with a totally random vibration pattern, it sends me up a wall or leaves me whimpering – waiting for the next pattern . On this pattern, even the lowest setting is fabulously exciting.

To me, it seems to be more of a percussion vibrator. No buzzy, fuzzy, noisy vibrator is this – silent and strong, the vibrations will shake you to your core. Well worth the investment.

Shogun Marcus

Another sleeve:
Not the hero I need, but the hero I deserve
Verified Purchase
Well, I have to say, this one certainly surprised me. I purchased this as a sleeve for my glass toy, and after looking at the reviews I thought it would be a pleasant choice. Hah.

I can’t fit this bad boy into my mouth, much less my vagina. I had no clue who Tommy Gunn was, and I still don’t, but I know I am afraid of his penis. I’ve decided to name this toy Ulysses, it seems fitting. Ulysses also has found a permanent home next to my bed as a quick access weapon in case anyone tries to break in… nothing will make a robber think twice about their choice like a blow to the head with Tommy Gunn’s girth.

Overall, the quality of this is nice. It’s a wonderful cyberskin, and I’m sure it would feel amazing if I should ever decide to be a hallway.
5 stars if you wish to have an unconventional home weapon.

Unsurprised

I love this review:

Not the hero I need, but the hero I deserve

Well, I have to say, this one certainly surprised me. I purchased this as a sleeve for my glass toy, and after looking at the reviews I thought it would be a pleasant choice. Hah.

I can’t fit this bad boy into my mouth, much less my vagina. I had no clue who Tommy Gunn was, and I still don’t, but I know I am afraid of his penis. I’ve decided to name this toy Ulysses, it seems fitting. Ulysses also has found a permanent home next to my bed as a quick access weapon in case anyone tries to break in… nothing will make a robber think twice about their choice like a blow to the head with Tommy Gunn’s girth.

Overall, the quality of this is nice. It’s a wonderful cyberskin, and I’m sure it would feel amazing if I should ever decide to be a hallway.
5 stars if you wish to have an unconventional home weapon.

Unsurprised

FUCK! Wrong one.

Senor Weaselo

What is, “that lady accidentally putting Tommy “Ulysses” Gun in her vagina?
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Unsurprised

What an uptight anal princess.

...

I move that all cloth storage containers for sex toys be referred to as “sheaths.”

Unsurprised

See November 8

...

Not a problem because the Yahoo folks still don’t know how babby is formed.

...
Doktor Zymm

It comes in all languages! And this one includes the line “Don’t push me, push a push pop” which apparently passed for anti-bullying in the early 90s!

...

This is so incredibly 1990’s.

ALXMAC
Shogun Marcus

From a weenie sleeve…
My wife loved the prospect of something longer (girth is not an issue with us, length is) and she was very excited by the “cinnamon” color…but it’s just too narrow. I can barely fit into it, and when I do, it looks wrong, like a water balloon stretched around the end of a pool noodle. This amount of tapering was too extreme for my wife.

UPDATE: instead of returning this item, I was able to attach it to a broomstick, and it makes a great “grabber” for when my sons get one of their toy helicopters stuck in our crystal chandeliers.

UPDATE 2: My sons figured out what it is, so I took it off the broom handle, chopped it in half and now use it as handlebar grips on my mountain bike. I love the squishy texture compared to my old stiff grips, and actually may be using these again on all of my bikes.

ballsofsteelandfury

That’s probably one of the greatest reviews ever. The updates just make it.

Senor Weaselo

…What.

Doktor Zymm

That man is either a genius at re-purposing things or just REALLY hates going to the post office to ship return packages.

laserguru

The cornbread is out of the oven and the biscuits are going in.

The entire house smells like fresh baked goodness.

Remember I started prep on Saturday when the homemade turkey stock I made brought the whole Thanksgiving day smell to the house for a few hours.

I’m gonna tear Thanksgiving a brand new asshole this year. Breaking out all of the old school recipes and my new school tricks.

Bring it!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

“The cornbread is out of the oven and the biscuits are going in.”

Euphemism.

Unsurprised

comment image

ballsofsteelandfury

Wouldn’t white wine go better?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I know it is legal now; but smoking two joints at once is wasteful.

http://68.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_md2s88kZPs1r0y1o1o1_500.gif

Shogun Marcus

A twofer…
What a waste of money. How would you know that someone else had not used them? How are you supposed to get the bloody things out? No instructions! Worthless!

started to ‘turn’ color after first use…. not sure how to prove it’s “medical grade” stainless steel….?? Curious if anyone else had these issues.

...

Honestly, I’d love to meet the engineers of these products. I’d enjoy sitting in a meeting where they discuss technological advances for dildos.

Shogun Marcus

Ben wa balls.

...
Unsurprised

LOL

“Sitting”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

This nice lady appears to be enjoying a popsicle or perhaps an ice cream cone treat.

http://68.media.tumblr.com/822a7657a518460b037bed9c564cc458/tumblr_n4p0uxiooR1shlpyfo1_500.gif

Doktor Zymm

Push pop
comment image

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Yeah, maybe that’s it….. I think you are right.

...

Now the Push Pops commercial song is stuck in my head.

ballsofsteelandfury

This thing is the perfect wait, balanced and has just the right slap! Also doubles as a dildo or plug, your imagination is your only limit with this thing. Love it.

ballsofsteelandfury

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...

Also great for making flapjacks!

Unsurprised

O_O

...

That’s nothing. I’ve seen giant “warewolf” dildos before.

Doktor Zymm

Is it weird that my favorite part is the spelling errors?

...

This isn’t real, but it’s a fantastic example of a creative Amazon review:

https://www.amazon.com/review/RFWM0CFO0UMWY

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

That is funnier than shit!

...

The line “slink around like unfixed cats” gets me every time.

ballsofsteelandfury

Older couple here we try it out and love it made it much easier to hold her it place.She love it because you could get deeper penetration and she not in a strain. Great support when doggy style give her something to support herself with. easy to clean and store.

Doktor Zymm

You went for Liberator reviews, didn’t you

...

I like that when I entered “Liberator” into Amazon, I got nine versions of the product in question and one book about World War II.

ballsofsteelandfury

comment image

...

Question:
My question pertains to fluids.. more specifically squirting. does the material dye or change or wear due to such fluids?

Answer:
Good question. I am VERY qualified to answer this question…

Doktor Zymm

How is there not a limited edition McDonald’s condom that’s BBQ flavored and McRibbed for her pleasure?

...

I would probably pass on using these as I don’t want women to recognize me as the cheap, reconstituted, quasi-meat product that I am.

Unsurprised

McRibs are actually made from the organs and non-muscle parts of the cow, which I guess is better than using it for (cow) feed.

...

WOO MY DICK IS COW FOOD

Unsurprised

The real answer is that the Kroc family is SUPER Christian

...

If you’re ever bored, I find it’s fun to read Amazon reviews for items such as condoms and sex toys. How well did that jumbo case of condoms work? LET ME TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT.

Doktor Zymm

It would be hilarious if there was a one star review that just consisted of baby pictures

ballsofsteelandfury

I think you should cut and paste here and we have to guess what the product was.

...

I think we’re capable of producing superior smut disguised as helpful information.

ballsofsteelandfury

Let’s do it!

...

One caveat: if you’re in the middle of a dry spell, try not to get depressed when you see the most common subscription offer, do the math on how much they’re fucking, and realize you’d be ordering too many.

Unsurprised

Costco pumpkin pies being $6 is a goddamn steal. I should’ve bought more.

Doktor Zymm

I think I’ve pretty much prepped everything it makes sense to prep today. That was quicker than I expected. I’m gonna drink and play Civ now!

laserguru

If you followed along with the Thanksgiving post, I’m in the middle of the breads prep.
Cornbread going in the oven and getting ready to make biscuits.

Maybe I shouldn’t have done the 5 mile morning walk this morning.

Doktor Zymm

I’m not doing stuffing (though I’ll probably make some later to top leftovers casserole) and I’m doing tube dough rolls, so I didn’t have to do anything bread related today. I bet your place smells awesome right now, I love fresh baking smell. Hope the knees are holding up!

...

I once watched a Scooby Doo themed porn. It was basically what you’d expect it to be.

Horatio Cornblower

Shaggy, you take Fred and Daphne and that goddamn dog and go look for clues in the abandoned insane asylum; I’ll stay here in the penthouse suite with Velma and…also look for clues.

...

You know that magic trick people do to kids where they pretend they pulled a quarter out of their ear? Ladies LOVE* that game during sex.

*They do not in fact love this game.

Shogun Marcus

Charlie Brown: “My grandmother lives in a condominium.”
Me: Her Association is going to throw a shit-fit with all those damn smelling like welfare kids running around. Especially Franklin.

Senor Weaselo

“A girl named Marcy, and a girl named Peppermint Patty. And a boy named Franklin. Oh, and he’s black.”

Spanky Datass

Snoopy rolls around Woodstock’s poop. STINKY DOG! An Spike smells like hobo shame.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Not Sexy Friday yet, but since tomorrow is a day off for me, I’ll go Weird Wednesday.

http://68.media.tumblr.com/4b7242fbd84705df8999acbd139bb361/tumblr_og5xaehr301vqbewno1_1280.jpg

Senor Weaselo

Jinkies?

ballsofsteelandfury

Oh, I LIKE Weird Wednesdays!

Unsurprised

I love that Oliver Stone cast him to play Manuel Noriega in a Showtime biopic back in 2002.

Spanky Datass

“And I would have gotten away with my plan if it wasn’t for those meddling kids and their stupid dog! … … … HOLY SHIT! VELMA?!?”

...

All of these screenshots of traffic reporters remind me of an ex-girlfriend who wanted me to vote for some friend of hers in a competition to get one of these jobs in Chicago. As someone with a journalism education who started off in a bumblefuck sub-100 TV market, I wasn’t going to help someone who wanted to take a cheap shortcut to market #3.

Doktor Zymm

I never did end up watching that local news segment about STRIPPERS VS NUNS. I wonder who won?

Senor Weaselo

What was the game?

Doktor Zymm

I don’t even know that! The promo was very short on specifics.

Doktor Zymm

Though it was probably something boring like zoning regulations. Maybe they were trying to put a strip club next to a convent and name it St. Riptease

Senor Weaselo

So who’s on their knees in the champagne room?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
ballsofsteelandfury

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...

Well yeah, of course those lanes are blocked. Those cars had to brake hard to avoid crashing into those boobs.

Senor Weaselo

I thought they were airbags!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Well, I’d enjoy driving my Jeep in those hills.

Spanky Datass

I caught parts of the first two episodes of “Soundbreaking” on PBS the last two nights. It’s pretty good. The third installment is on tonight, just sayin’.

Spanky Datass

Not “… the first two episodes…”actually, just the two most recent episodes.

Unsurprised

Your avatar is huge on my phone and it takes all the fun out of trying to figure out from the desktop sized one which end is facing the viewer.

Spanky Datass

My bad. I’ve changed my avatar several times in an effort to down-size it but apparently Gravatar and WordPress don’t play well together. I shall redouble my efforts … just not tonight.

ballsofsteelandfury

comment image

Shogun Marcus

Placentia seems like it would have a good support systems for life.

...

I’m so glad morning newscasts have traffic reporters so pretty women seeking fame have more job opportunities.

Senor Weaselo

Charlie Brown Thanksgiving is on!

ballsofsteelandfury

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ballsofsteelandfury

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Doktor Zymm

Holy crap! It turns out cranberry sauce is amazingly easy to make! WHO KNEW?!

ballsofsteelandfury

Um, yeah, you just have to clamp the thingy and wind the knob to open the can. Easy peasy.

entropy

You can warm the oven, but only to make it seem like you’re really cooking.

Doktor Zymm

Honestly, from scratch is almost easier than opening the can. Fewer sharp edges, and sometimes that thing sticks and is kinda hard to turn.

Unsurprised

It’s 1 pound cranberry, 1 pound sugar. Simmer. It’s not smrockey surgery.

Unsurprised

What the fuck is smrockey, iPhone?

ballsofsteelandfury

I-405? I-10? What is this I shit?

It’s the fucking 405 and the 10!!

BTW, if the traffic was bad going from Palm Springs to the Morongo Casino, that’s got to be due to an accident. That shit is so close you could probably throw a stone off the Morongo Casino’s roof and hit a swimming pool at a gay hotel in Palm Springs.

Shogun Marcus

LOOK UPON THIS WORK AND DESPAIR! BEHOLD! C’THURKEY!
http://i.onionstatic.com/avclub/6118/84/16×9/1200.jpg

ballsofsteelandfury

Holy fuck!

...

I bet every family dreading a political conversation this year would love to have one of these to silence everyone by inducing a state of absolute horror.

Unsurprised
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

That looks delicious…… I like all those things and could like them at once.

Unsurprised

Apparently I can watch NBA games live on my iPhone as well as football. I haven’t followed that game since Jordan, but it has to be better than this shit show. Oh, who am I kidding? I suck.

I do like taking the NFLPA to the NLRB because they really do seem too incompetent to act in their members’ best interests.

I am taking pumpkin pie to dinner tomorrow. I am the best ever. They will be delivered with me wearing my pumpkin pie hat.

...

The MLBPA is really the best sports union which is ironic considering how conservative most players are.

Unsurprised

That makes sense. They know exactly where the owners stand because they share the same thinking. But they also know how to maximize their the whole rational self interest part of bargaining and assumin (rightfully so) that the owners will be negotiating in bad faith and act accordingly.

Also, MLB players don’t spend their entire careers bashing their heads in. So there’s also that.

Senor Weaselo

Wait, are you saying I shouldn’t watch the Kill Your Family Show?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a9f11SgfrOA

scotchnaut

Canadian Super NFL Fan Comes Clean-

I took tomorrow off because the games look like they might be really entertaining.

Doktor Zymm

The only good Thursday games of the year!

1 2 3