Grease up the poles! Eagles Season Preview.

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Hi there, how is it going? When we last wrote about the Eagles the date was November 14th 2017,

You see ole Nick was far too talented to stay in Philly so he had to head out and see the world so he plied his trade in St. Louis for RAMMIT and that did not go well. He then joined forces with the country’s foremost rib aficionado to Kansas City but that did not go well. but that too did not go as planned so he came back to Philly and will lead them to the promised land once the current starter gets killed because Jason Peters is out for the season!

Guess what? That totally happened!

Where to begin, well I could try to go full douchebag and hit you with this,

That isn’t really how I like to do things, maybe some of this?

Oh God that is good.

Almost there,

That looks right.

It was excellent, I loved every minute of it but now it is done. I got to see one in my lifetime and it really didn’t live up to how excited I thought that I would be. That being said I was relatively sober as I had a 6 am flight to catch the next day and the baby was sleeping so I couldn’t go nuts. I read in the Deadspin comments that when the team you cheer for wins the big one you then lose interest. I can see that happening in my future but that could be due to the wee’un but with fantasy football I will always pay attention, I am a junkie.

To help this year I once again enlisted fellow commentists and asked a few questions. When I jotted down these questions I was ankle deep in painkillers, weed and red wine with a bag of frozen peas on my nether regions. I truly do not remember writing these down. I posed these questions to fellow Eagles fans WhyEaglesWhy,  Gratliff and decided to answer them myself as well.

1. Qbs, will we be relegated to Sudfield?

WEW: I don’t think so. Wentz did some agility drills before the Jets preseason game and looks pretty great. My guess is he sits out the first two or three, and then is fine. I think the real Nick Foles is somewhere between “SB MVP” Foles and “Last Year’s Raiders Game” Foles. But you never know…Wentz could start thinking he’s a chicken, and Foles could get gigantism. On that topic, is it too much to ask that Christian Hackenberg falls into the Springfield Mystery Spot?

Gratliff: Foles will return to shitty game manager form for no fuck reason whatsoever for a few games, then Wentz will come back and be Wentz. We’ll be fine. If he goes out again, it could get ugly. Unfortunately, the highest rated QB from Super Bowl LII is no longer on the team, and no Eagles team has ever won the Super Bowl with a QB drafted lower than the third round.

L_C: As I write this the Hackenberg experiment has been cancelled, so you got your wish there. I am with you on Foles, he is a middling talent who thrives only in a certain offense. I think that it would be wise to have Dakota Jesus sit out until he is absolutely ready because they do not to lose him for another season.

2. Rbs, what the hell is Ajayi’s disease?

WEW: They really do treat him like a Ming vase, don’t they? I’m not sure if he’s hurt or not, but spending a few years with the Dolphins has to affect your health in some way.

L_C: I read that his knee is bone on bone, which can’t be a good thing. He is British so a use a little magic spray on it throughout the game and he will be fine. Tiny Darren is something to get excited about! He will be good for one amazing play and then his little body will get destroyed and just turn into dust. I never liked Wendell Smallwood.

Gratliff: Well, he did spend 7 years in London and who knows what sort of awful shit can get into your system growing up near the Thames. However, training staff says Jay Ajayi is healthy enough that he could play in another Super Bowl today if he had to.

3. Wrs,  is Alshon broken after his new contract?

WEW: If you listen to Bears fans, he’ll put his feet up, get one of those drinks with an umbrella in it, and start cashing checks. But unless you’re looking for tips on where to get the best hot dog salad, why would you listen to Bears fans?

L_C: I had to look up hot dog salad and I have to say that I would totally eat that. I know a good butcher and I think that I will make that at some point.

I’m nervous about Alshon. He got his ring, he got his contract and he has his injury. I do however like the addition of Mike Wallace for Torrey Smith. This should open up slot routes for Nelson Aglohor providing he remembers how to catch. Remember 2 years ago? Yeah, if that guy comes back we are doomed.

Remember we could always have this guy,

Gratliff: If Agholor’s progression continues, it won’t matter, and even if it doesn’t, we have Mike Wallace to turn to. A reasonably decent veteran receiving corps with the TE cornerstone, and I don’t think we have anything to worry about. I am entirely okay with him underwhelming for most of the season and then pulling through when it matters (i.e., Super Bowl LII which the Eagles won 41-33).

4. TEs, all good. 

WEW: Indeed! I was not a fan of spending a high pick on a TE, but damn if Goedert doesn’t look like the real deal. That said, neither he nor Ertz can block worth a fuck. For a team that runs lots of 2-TE sets, it’s also worth mentioning that the leading contender for third string TE is a dude (Anthony Denham) that was sitting at home until the Eagles put him on a redeye flight in time to suit up for the last preseason game.

L_C: I had no issue with them drafting Goedert as Ertz gets owies from time to time. I think that they run 2 TE sets because their blocking is mediocre at best. If Goeddert is as good as Ertz we are in good shape at this position going forward.

Gratliff: Eternally awkward motherfucker Brent Celek has retired, and Trey Burton has moved on to throw touchdowns of an extremely non-Super Bowl sort in Chicago. Ertz has become a consistent 800+ yard receiver and became a huge scoring threat last season. It’s been a long time since we had a reason to think the Eagles TEs won’t be at least really good. Prediction: Dallas Goedert breaks out. Dallas fans break down.

5. O-line, starters great, backups shaky again?

WEW: As long as we get Good Kelce and Stefen Wisniewski continues to defy all logic and play slightly above average, they should be fine. I am a bit worried about Vaitai if Jason Peters goes down, and more worried about Isaac Seumalo if anyone on the interior gets hurt. But I’m enjoying the hell out of the Jordan Mailata era.

L_C: The big kid from Australia? Yeah, love that. Vaitai is not good at football. We have more linemen of Samoan descent than BYU.

Gratliff: We do this every year. Peters is an All-Pro by the second half of the first game, and by the bye, we’re debating just how accurate Vaitai’s turnstyle cosplay really is. Wentz was on some hacker bullshit last year before he got hurt. Doug is gonna have to keep being creative to keep Peters’ inevitable replacement from letting the franchise get murdered.

6. D-line, how many more political activists do we need?

WEW: ALL OF THEM. I’m enjoying the Woke Eagles storyline nearly as much as the Super Bowl one. It just makes all the right people so angry. It actually makes me want to read the comments at PFT. Do you suppose Cynthia Nixon has a decent bull rush?

L_C: Agreed. I loved when President Cheeto uninvited them to the White House. It was perfect. I am not sure whether those optics were better than only Big Dick Nick showing up but either way it was perfect. Reading the comments at PFT is akin to playing in traffic.

The Eagles D-Line is deep and fast. They are going to have to be even quicker to the qb as behind them is a questionable line backing corps and a shaky secondary.

Gratliff: I want Dallas Goedert to get Tom Tuttle from Tacoma’d before the season starts and start burning flags in the end zone and shit, especially those shitty blue line flags. I want everyone in the country as mad as humanly possible at the Eagles to make it all that much more satisfying when they still have to side with them in the Super Bowl. Who are you going to cheer for? The Evil Empire? Harf Harf? Even their fans don’t like them.

7. Lb’s, who are these people?

WEW: Fuck if I know. Jordan Hicks is good, but also healthy only during total solar eclipses.

L_C: This is the position that worries me the most. Bradham misses game 1 for something gun-ey and that will leave a big hole for someone to fill. (heh)

Gratliff: Literally as I’m writing this, the Eagles are cutting their proposed starters. Fuck it. Let’s do 6 linemen and a nickel on every fucking play.

8. Db’s improved?

WEW: I sure hope so, because lost in all the celebration is that Ronald Darby was TRASH in the Super Bowl. Actually, every DB except for Malcolm Jenkins and possibly Jalen Mills was trash in the Super Bowl. But Darby gets the all caps treatment. Everyone who should know says he’s better, and Sidney Jones is good. But let’s just see against the Falcons next week.

L_C: Please let them have improved or at least play as well as we think they can. I was originally excited when Darby came over but that lead to swearing at him regularly.

Gratliff: I expect basically nothing of the human rights wing of the Eagles roster, and I’ll not be disappointed. I don’t imagine the PTSD from giving up 1400 yards in a single Super Bowl in which they won is going to do a lot for their confidence.

9. We have an Aussie punter again! 

WEW: We do! I love having an Aussie punter. We also have an Aussie rugby player named Jordan Mailata (see above) who never played a snap of American football before getting drafted in the 7th round this year. It was a fun, goofy story until my dude turned out to be a beast, and also somewhat competent at tackle. I’m excited to transition our left tackle position from an undrafted tight end Hall of Famer to an Aussie kid who’s never played football.

Gratliff:  Not expecting a huge work load from the punting team either way, but the fact of the matter is that Aussie’s account for all but one punt in Eagles’ Super Bowl victories. Look, I’ve heard told that the Eagles may or may not have won Super Bowl LII. I have trouble caring about any concerns going into the new season because the Eagles just beat the final boss of the NFL. The only question I have about the upcoming season is how fucking insane the impending Super Bowl LII episode of Always Sunny is going to be.

L_C: He kicked it 81 yards! He is the next Randall Cunningham!

WEW sent me this,

God Dammit, you were so cool being uninvited to the White House, having political activists, not being complete FOOTBAWWW douchebags.

If both qb’s are hurt this team is going nowhere. The LB’s are a huge question mark as are decisions by some Eagles fans.

A pugs best friend. Wine drinker. Loves to use the letter U behind O. Iggles fan, Fulham FC supporter. Bartend as a hobby in Canadia. One of the resident futbol freaks at the clubhouse
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Great read while on the shitter. Good hustle!


Jesús, WEW had me in stitches there.


This is my second favorite Eagles fan post today, behind Drew Magary’s Vikes WYTS

Don T

Doug Pederson is a badass. The good kind; doesn’t cause a stir nor GAF what anyone thinks. Maybe the Eagles O won’t suffer much after the departures of Reich and DeFilippo.
Great preview. This gotta be the only place that boasts THREE level-headed Iggles fans.

King Hippo

Also, vis-a-vis the title:

“OK…but Buddy just washed these sheets!”

King Hippo

Oh, don’t let the NBA-loving schmucks at Dedspin fool ya. Your love will still burn bright. If anything, the Donks’ 2nd SB win (in real time) was sweeter, because the weight of the world wasn’t on our collective backs. Plus, fuck Dan Reeves. Main difference, it takes away some of your “lovable loser” fatalism and welcomes you to the adults’ table. Feels really good.

But this is RRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! and the Bearistocrats’ year in the NFC, with Janeane’s Tomsulas close behind. Iggles may squeak out the division (or get pipped by Los Gigantes), but I’m seeing one and done.


Bold prediction: Te Hippo will get laid before RRRRAMMIT win a Super Bowl.


Dammit Balls!!!!
/pencils in midnight trip to strip club on calendar for early january again

King Hippo

I don’t expect to get unexpectedly wealthy or desperate enough to re-visit Courtesan Land before Jan/Feb 2019. Sorry, Los Pelotas.


“2036. Sorry, Las Pelotas.”



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Sign Kaep as a mike backer or PHI might as well fly a “Ted Cruz ‘18” flag over their stadium.

Game Time Decision

surprisingly readable when you consider the substances used to create this.
/well done