Jameis and the Giant Zilch: The 2019 Buccaneers at the Buccabye

So every team gets a bi bye, and the players rejoice (like they didn’t joice enough the first time). This week, the Tampa Bay Buck-an-Ears get to play grabass off the field and not get CTE, which means I gotta fucking write about how they’re doing I get to regale everyone with tales of brave Jameis, bravely stealing and raping and turnovering and whatnot.

Look, you don’t really wanna read this, and I REALLY REALLY don’t wanna write this, so let’s just agree to not correct anyone’s grammar and try to spend today wondering how Trump will fuck up our great country tomorrow. (My bet: He sells Manhattan to Putin for 24 tins of bronzer.)

On that note, Tampa Bay is 2-4 heading into their bye week. This tracks with my prediction that they will finish 6-10, and 6-10 might be a tad optimistic. The talent is there if you ignore the quarterback, the offensive line, the running backs, and the defense.

Let’s break this down.

Go ahead and give it to me.

Quarterback: Look, we covered this. Jameis Winston has a great arm, and is a great athlete, and steals crab legs, and assaults women, and is generally an immature insufferable prick. He threw five interceptions in London last week, apparently in a symbolic gesture to all the British Brexit assholes. “See, you’re not the only ones who hand stuff to the enemy for no discernible reason!”

Running Back: Peyton Barber? Ronald Jones? Jesus, if these guys were any worse at running, Danny Thomas would be throwing them a parade.

Wide Receivers: Chris Godwin is a stud. Mike Evans has been demoted to The Guy Who Tells Drunk Johnny Manziel Stories.

Tight End: Thanks, I’ve been working out.

Defense: The Bucs have given up more than 30 points the last four games. They suck harder than Lindsey Graham at a Bronski Beat concert.

Special Teams: Their kicker is Matt Gay, and I just made a Lindsey Graham joke, so y’all gonna have to deal with this.

Prediction: Gonna stick with 6-10, with a chance of showers and possible cirrus clouds. Cirrus is just one “c” away from a circus, and I don’t like the way they treat elephants and tigers. So fuck you, cirrus clouds.

Grunge song that reminds me of pain: Rape Me

Here’s hoping you all have a lovely day and a better week.

 

SonOfSpam
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SonOfSpam is a mediocre ship captain and an even worse writer. He is allowed to contribute to this website in exchange for money and drugs. Please don't encourage him or make direct eye contact.
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LemonJello

Jesus, if these guys were any worse at running, Danny Thomas would be throwing them a parade.

I laughed so hard at this I’ve now been scheduled for mandatory HR “Sensitivity” training.

nomonkeyfun

Go ahead and give it to me.

“What is what Jameis Winston hears when he talks to any woman.

I’ll stay in ACC assholes, for $800 Alex.”

LemonJello

I’ll stay in ACC assholes, for $800 Alex.”

Also something said by J. Winston.

King Hippo

nah man, he’s on record as fuck ’em in teh pussy!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

If the NFL did contraction, who would be the first to go? Obviously the Chargers, but who’s next? I’d argue that the Bucs would be a prime candidate.

Game Time Decision

they should contract anyway, there’s only 31 teams right now….it would help to balance the schedules

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Bucs, Tits, Chargers. Maybe #Hardland if they re-enter a period of hopeless suckitude

blaxabbath

Texans. Double-J sees no need for ANOTHER Lonestar State team.