I Watched It So You Don’t Have To: The Knight Before Christmas

Welcome back to DFO’s Annual Christmas movies review. This feature is where one of us poor bastards watches a Christmas movie and summarizes it for you, so you can go for a snooze or drink more booze when your significant other forces you to watch the movie. Today’s Christmas movie is currently streaming on Netflix and is titled The Knight Before Christmas, starring Vanessa Hudgens, or as I like to call her, Vanessa Hug and Kiss.

Was this movie selected because it has been getting rave reviews by your High school friends that you graduated with 15+years ago on Facebook? Hell no! I chose this movie because I love me some Vanessa HugandKiss.

Last week, I mentioned that Noelle was bad– but not in the Hallmark sense of it’s so bad,it’s amusing, like watching Tim Tebow trying to play Quarterback in the NFL. Noelle was so bad, you actually repress what happens. Thankfully,The Knight Before Christmas pairs really well with liqueur and is on par with watching a bad Miami Dolphins offense use the Wildcat to beat the Patriots.

/pours one out for Ronnie Brown, Miami’s best Quarterback of the 21st Century.

In other words, this movie is so cheesy bad that you end up enjoying how stupid it is.

The movie begins in 2019 with Vanessa Hudgens’ character, Brooke, who is a smoking hot science teacher in Ohio, which automatically asks the viewer to suspend their imagination to believe such a concept. Anyway, Brook is giving advice to one of her students about how love is bullshit and that the student should rightfully focus her attention on getting good grades. It’s a by-the-numbers scene to establish that the female protagonist is going to fall hard for the male protagonist. Then out of nowhere, there’s a cut scene to the 1300s in Norwich,England, where the male protagonist, Sir Cole, is doing knight stuff with his brother.

Since Cole is a first one to punch-in, last one to leave type of guy, Cole decides to go look for a fugitive that is on the loose. He promises his brother he’ll be back in time for Christmas Eve for his brother’s knighthood ceremony that is going to happen in a week. Cole rides off with his horse and gets lost in the woods that he has likely been riding in his entire life. Here, he sees and helps a haggard looking woman who is obviously a witch. Grateful for his hospitality, the witch–who knows of Cole’s true great quest for Cole to become a legit knight– gives him a medallion,which we later find out is his time travelling machine. After speaking in clues, any functioning human can determine that Cole’s true quest is to fall in love with Brooke.

To recap, for Cole to become a true knight, he has to travel 700 years in the future in order to get some stinky pinky from a hot piece of ass Science teacher in Ohio before Christmas Eve, otherwise he will be stuck in Ohio forever.

Cleveland: The only place on earth where living in 14th century England seems more desirable.

So Cole emerges from the smoke at a 2019 Christmas festival in Ohio, all dressed in 14th century knight attire. Perplexed and clearly sticking out like a sore thumb, Cole wanders around, speaking in British English, to the amusement of locals. Eventually, Cole and Brooke accidentally bump into each other, and we see the sparks fly because if there is one thing we know is certain in life, it’s that hot women loved being bumped into by men wearing 14th century clothes and acting like it’s the 14th century for no apparent reason.

This guy is a pussy magnet whenever he wears his medieval knight gear.

A few minutes later, due to fog, Brooke runs over Cole with her car. Brooke’s surrogate father, a black officer, happens to be in the area and they check up on Cole. (Netflix should be commended because unlike Disney’s Noelle where they are clearly playing by Rooney Rules of casting, the non-white thespians in this film do not feel token in anyway). Thinking this could be very awkward and offensive (Cole is a 14th century knight afterall), the viewer is blessed that Cole has 21st century sensibilities and doesn’t say anything horrible about a black man or a woman driving, or does any other horrible thing you’d expect a medieval soldier to do or say.

After they take Cole to the hospital, Brooke decides to take him home because he can stay in her guest house. Just a reminder, she is on a teacher’s salary. Also, this seems perfectly reasonable for an attractive woman to take home a male stranger who currently believes he is a 14th century knight and also is carrying a massive and sharp sword with him.

Another thing worth noting: The director clearly went to the Patty Jenkins school of history because Cole doesn’t seem phased by the fact he’s in a new place called Ohio, which also happens to be in the New World, something that won’t be seen by a European for over a 100 years in Cole’s original timeline. Or, the fact Cole speaks or understandsEnglish*. Or, you know, the fact that he doesn’t panic about being sent 700 years into future.

The next bit is mostly just Sir Cole doing a bunch of Medieval stuff in the modern world to make Brooke believe Cole is actually a Knight and to slowly fall in love with him. She even tells the student from the beginning of the film that love isn’t bullshit. Now, this seems good on paper, but Brooke should have told that girl that she should still remain broken up with that zero and find herself a new hero. But I digress.

Cole does a lot of good deeds, but knows he hasn’t done THE deed needed to complete his Knight training and to go back to the 14th century. But what’s mostly impressive about these scenes is that they’re actually fun. Like any SNL skit, it’s pretty obvious where the joke is going. Unlike SNL, the skit doesn’t overstay its welcome and is well executed, making you actually laugh despite the obvious punchline.

The only other thing worth mentioning is that Brooke’s sister, Madison (played by Canada’s own ageless wonder, Emmanuelle Chriqui), meets Cole. Chriqui is a fantastic actress because when Madison meets Cole for the first time, you damn well believe she wants to save a horse and ride a cowboy knight. There is a really weird sexual tension with all three in that scene and quite frankly,Cole should have gone for the threeway. A three way with Hudgens and Chriqui would also be an excellent pick.

The little girl being reunited after Sir Cole uses Medieval tactics* to find her. The hapless husband has a huge grin on his face because he knows his wife is going to ride him like a horse and he is OK being called Cole during said riding because they haven’t had sex in years. *He just followed her footprints.

To wrap things up, Cole finally figures out his quest is to kiss Brooke, which they do, causing Cole to return to the 14th century. Realizing he loves Brooke and can bang her whenever they are done watching TV(which in this movie, also included watching Christmas movies on Netflix), as well as live in a nice home where he doesn’t need to pay bills, Cole hunts down the witch to send him back to the future, which she does (this time with his beloved horse).

Final Thoughts: This movie is nonsensical but works because everyone involved in this project knows the movie is stupid, but they own it  and wear it as a badge of honour.

They’re going to bang, bang. Bangitty bang. Bangitty bang bang bang.

The only thing that bothered me was how little interest Cole had in learning about what happened in the 700 years of history that happened. Doesn’t he want to learn about his brother’s fate, or England’s, or how they explained his his disappearance?

TL/DR: If you saw Kate and Leopold, you saw this film.

Ratings: 4 horny knights out of 5 attractive and sex deprived science teachers.

*Technically, Early Middle English was around, but it’s very, very different than the English of today. Since Cole was aristocratic, he would have stuck to either Latin or Anglo-Norman French. Now I am knitpicking too much.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Script idea: working title “Cull”. In the future, A.I. is now in charge of monitoring ALL financial transactions. As such, it can track the wealth of every person on earth flawlessly (except for black market stuff but whatever). A program is instituted that every year the top 10 wealthiest people in the world (based on total average wealth for the year) are CULLED from the population and their wealth redistributed.

It’s kind of like “The Purge” but in reverse – you’ve got anyone relatively close to the top 10 cutoff point spending Brewster’s Millions style in an effort to avoid getting culled. Not sure if a suspense or comedy.

King Hippo

Now THIS…this Hippo would watch. FOAR teh BLOOD.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

I have been stuck at my car’s dealership for the past 90 minutes and have been subjected to all the cliche Xmas music in the waiting area. I’m slowly going (more) insane. This entertained me immensely.

Sharkbait

But are you still alive in the LDB challenge?

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

It never came on and I haven’t heard it otherwise, so yes.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

You forgot to talk about Brooke’s skank neighbor! Who actually turns out to be a perfectly nice person; she just happens to like bangin’ dudes, and I shouldn’t need to point out that such a trait is considered by many, including myself, to be a positive one.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I’m concerned about the timing of these posts. Not from a site perspective, but because of the impact on your sanity based on the hour you’re watching.

ballsofsteelandfury

Some people choose picking up trash by the side of the road. True DFOers do their community service by watching Christmas Movies so you don’t have to!

ballsofsteelandfury

Emmanuelle Chriqui is an International Treasure!
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Senor Weaselo

Once again, gotta ask, is there Vanessa Hudgens cheesecake?

ballsofsteelandfury

Really?
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Senor Weaselo

For legal reasons, I would like to note that I have never seen cheesecake pictures of Vanessa Hudgens in my life.

BC Dick

He would’ve probably stunk real bad, too.