2020 Quotables – Week 6 (Results)

blaxabbath
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SCENE: Interior, the DFO Clubhouse. The floor is littered with empty beer bottles, the walls are covered in Iguana Mart posters, and the couch is…sticky.

BeerGuyRob: So today’s the day, huh?

HoratioCornblower: What are you talking about? Is Geno Auriemma finally coming to visit?

BallsofSteelandFury: Didn’t you read blax’s Quotables submissions page this week?

Horatio: Too highbrow for me.

Balls: :groans:

Horatio: Oh, disapproval from the guy who’s best known for underwear reviews and softcore porn?

Balls: /shoots finger guns

BGR: ANYHOO, blax said “Tune in Friday to find out the Fresh New Taektm on Quotables!” Well, today’s Friday.

Balls: What do you think it’s going to be?

LitreCola: New batch of gingersnaps?

BGR: Dude, it’s a fresh new taek, not a fresh new bake.

LitreCola: Oh. /rips bong hit

Horatio: Maybe blax found Ottoman

ALL: [start sobbing]

Balls: Let’s pull our shit together. Otto will come back from that beer run to IguanaMart eventually.

BGR: Hope he brings back more beer. We only have like 5 cases left in the garage.

Horatio: And I’m running low on IPA thimbles

DonT: Posiblamente la “taek” nueva no es de gente diferente pero mas un formato creativo.

ALL BUT BALLS: [stare blankly]

DonT: I hate you guys. Learn Spanish.

Horatio: Toallas de papel?

DonT: [glares in boricuan]

Balls: Come on, it’s blax, and he lives in Vegas now. It’s probably Mark Davis.

Maestro: I don’t know, blax gets pretty creative at times. It could be a totally new format, maybe like a stopmotion thing?

LitreCola: Maybe it’s a new batch of gingersnaps?

BGR: Has blax ever baked for you before?

LitreCola: /rips bong hit

Maestro: Well, is blax here?

Balls: Nope.

Maestro: Well, who knows where he is?

Horatio: Should we check with RTD and DTZM?

BGR: You know they’re just doing rails and pitching movie ideas like where the Beatles get reincarnated as an all girl band who make great music but no one takes them seriously until one of them releases a sex tape with a member of the Clippers but then in the end they all turn out to have different superpowers.

DonT: I’d watch that.

Balls: I think I already saw a version of that on Pornhub.

Maestro: Let me get this straight, no one knows where blax is or what the surprise is and we’re just all, what, sitting here waiting for the door to fly open?

ALL: [STARE AT THE DOOR]

LitreCola: /rips bong hit

GameTimeDecision: What else are we supposed to do? Talk about last night’s presidential debate?

 

:crickets:

 

/DOOR FLIES OPEN

:BFC ENTERS:

Horatio: Aw, man, that’s not Otto.

LitreCola: Did he bring gingersnaps?

BrettFavresColonoscopy:  Hey, guys, it’s me here to disappoint you all!

Balls: Now I know how Lady BFC feels.

BFC: Whomp whomp.  Look, here’s the deal–blax is sick of carrying the load around here.  So he decided he’ll start featuring guests for the quotables results page.

BGR: So you’re picking the winners now?

GameTimeDecision: /takes out wallet

BFC: Nope, blax still does.

GTD: /puts away wallet

Maestro: So you’re like the Queen here? All ceremonial and shit?

BFC: I mean, nobody’s handing me a corgi, but sure, I’ll be her royal highness and introduce this week’s quotables results.

DonT: Are you going to do this every week?

BFC: No, blax will pick a rotating guest host out of the commentariat.

Maestro: So you’re like a substitute teacher?

BFC: Pot, kettle, and how many similes do you need?

JJFozz: SHUT UP AND POST THE GIFS, I NEED TO KNOW IF I WON!

BFC: Fozz, you didn’t submit an entry this week.

Fozz: SHUT YOUR MOUTH WHEN YOU’RE TALKING TO ME!

ALL: [blink]

BFC: Fine, the good news is, you all still get your quotables results every week, and blax keeps doing the hard work while the rest of us reap the funny.

BGR: What’s the bad news?

BFC: Other that VodkaBroBobert, none of you won this week.

BGR: Woo hoo!

LitreCola: So did you bring gingersnaps or no? /rips bong hit

On to the Week 6 Results!


“Haven’t seen a bunch of Cardinals go down that easily since the last Altar Boy Jamboree.” – SonOfSpam

“Who keeps casting Hands of Stone on Eagle receivers?” -ArmedandHammered

“Pictured here is something that hasn’t been truly relevant in 7years and also an allusion to a Key and Peele skit.” – Duchess

“Dude, settle down. It’s the f***ing Jets.” – monty this seems strange to me

“Year 2020 is starting to glitch reality.” -Redshirt

“Look, you can’t NOT cover things in gravy around here.” – BrettFavresColonoscopy

“So, your Cowboys lost. Remember the bet – tonight I get to be Jerry; you get to be the hooker.” – Beerguyrob

“This Baker Mayfield, I call him Date Night John Kerry because he is munching a lot of grass on Heinz Field.” -Downfield Matriculator

 


As always, it’s Spam’s world, and the rest of us are just living in it.

Thanks to blaxabbath for letting me take the wheel this week / making sure I hit the DFO word count minimum.  Gotta earn that $12!  Check back next week, and who knows, maybe some day soon it’ll be your turn in the barrel.

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blaxabbath
blaxabbath
I sat on a jury years ago, 2nd degree attempted murder case. One day the defendant wore sneakers with his suit to court. It was that day I knew he was guilty.
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ballsofsteelandfury

I like the new format!! Nicely done!!

Gratliff

We’ve reached the inevitable (and probably justified) opening salvo on Drew Magary from Ape. I wish he was more prominent these days, so it would have to be addressed. Alas, it’ll probably just be a one-sided affair.

photoshopping Magary into Peter King seems low but in actuality he's always been obsessed with Bill Simmons – because they're the same guy. Drew's animus has always been about professional jealousy

— Mike Tunison (@xmasape) October 23, 2020

SonOfSpam

Haven’t been keeping up with this, but I feel like Ape is angry that Drew is still gainfully employed, not that Drew did anything specific to Ape. Is that about right, or am I missing something?

Also, anyone retweeting Greenwald for a reason other than pointing out that he’s a piece of shit automatically gets a side-eye.

Gratliff

He made a passing comment a while back about someone he used to work with who he trusted turning their back on him when they found out he was on the list, and I wondered then if he was referring to Magary. Certainly seems now that’s who he was referring to. There’s definitely a lot of bitterness that a coworker who did literally the same shtick at the same time has repositioned himself as an ally and went largely unaffected by it while his world basically crumbled, fairly or not. One thing I worried about with Ape when he started talking about it last year was that the only outlets who had an interest in picking up the story were the same anti-SJW conservative rags we’ve hated all along. They don’t line up with his stated politics, but if he felt like those were the only people he’d get validation from, it wouldn’t surprise me if it made him more resentful towards people like Drew.

SonOfSpam

Was Ape also the KSK guy who was having issues in his personal life, or was that another one? Either way, this whole thing is sad.

Gratliff

Dunno about his personal life, but he’s been fucked financially since shortly after KSK ended. At one point, he was working for a moving company and a dog daycare thing to make ends meet. He talked about the moving company shutting down over night which prompted PFTCommenter to tweet out his Venmo which prompted a ton of replies from Barstool ghouls talking shit on people begging for money. Fuck, I hate Barstool people.

SonOfSpam

Ok, yeah, I was thinking of Ape then. Barstool ghouls are absolutely the worst.

Dunstan

What are his stated politics? When I went to his substack to read the Drew-bashing article, I saw an archived post titled something like “I’m Not Voting For Biden, and You Can’t Talk Me Into It.”

Gratliff

He seems to have drifted towards vaguely leftist. I know he was canvasing for Sanders at one point. Of course, Magary was a Sanders guy during the primary, too. (And also gave Bernie the same kiss of death he gave Hillary in 2016. Never Forget.) Not that there’s any shortage of cannibalism among progressives. Hilariously, while Twitter is full of people screaming that Ilhan Omar is the second coming of Stalin, but somehow more evil, her daughter endlessly bashes her as being a boring shitlib.

Dunstan

Ah, that would explain the retweeting of Greenwald.

Dunstan

Meh. Firmly on Team Magary on this one.

Tunison’s arguments boil down to:
1) Stupid liberals are unreasonable because they demand that people pay eternal punishment for doing anything wrong, with no chance of redemption.
2) Stupid liberals are letting people like Drew off the hook if they come clean and apologize for stupid shit they did, instead of doubling down and declaring how awesome and subversively funny it is like people at Barstool.
3) Contradiction between 1 and 2? Shut up, you stupid liberal.
4) What about MEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! I’ve been treated unfairly, and Magary violated the sacred code of co-bloggers by not defending me!

SonOfSpam

Ok, so it’s not just me.

Game Time Decision

Wonder if Drew was to get him a job with the new site but then reneged and this is him calling him out but in a bad way

Gratliff

I’d be surprised if that’s the case if there was resentment between them before, but if so, it’d definitely explain why he’s so pissed off in the moment.

ballsofsteelandfury

I think it’s definitely that Ape feels Drew should have defended him and instead turned his bank.

I’m actually surprised it took this long for him to lash out. He must be figuring that he has nothing to lose.

Last edited 1 month ago by ballsofsteelandfury
Gratliff

It felt like the natural conclusion almost from the moment he started talking about it. Was sort of expecting it to happen in that thread, especially when the most vocal people seemed to be trying to goad him into attacking the metoo movement altogether.

rockingdog

watching the new BORAT movie
very nice!

Game Time Decision

There was a giant blow up Borat on a barge yesterday in the Toronto harbour. Creepy.

Game Time Decision

It’s surreal to see my user name in an article. Kinda feels like I’ve been picked to play with the big kids today. Tomorrow i go back to the bench and obscurity. lol

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Reads column.

Calls lawyer.

Annoyed by lawyer’s fuzzy life partner, who answers the phone and won’t stop ooking.

Hangs up, steals Fozz’s dialogue for future use.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

True story: one of my friends said that IRL

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Also I hope someone appreciated the tags….

ballsofsteelandfury

I definitely did.

What’s funny is I thought that it was you before I realized it was you. The use of the links in the text is what made me think of you.

King Hippo

Wow, that’s STRONG WORK by Downfield Matriculator

Downfield Matriculator

Thx — nothing like looking back at loser candidates from past elections and mocking them, Hopefully that means I can start inserting Trump jokes on that basis in a couple weeks!

Beerguyrob

[glares in boricuan]

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Glaring intensifies.